Since making its way through the Cannes Film Festival last spring, the enigmatic sophomore effort of It Follows director David Robert Mitchell has proven as elusive to general audiences and film lovers anticipating it, as it was frustrating for the festival-goers who actually got to see it. With its tantalizing trailer and Robert Mitchell’s talented name attached, a director whose prowess proved itself formidable with his 2014 horror debut about an STD (sexually transmitted demon), Under the Silver Lake seemed to fashion itself something of a hybrid. Comparisons have been made to Hitchcock and Inherent Vice, with clear influence drawn from classic noir films and the endless intrigue of Los Angeles itself. The film follows a young man, played by Andrew Garfield, as he embarks on a quest to find his vanished neighbor (Riley Keough), but he begins to uncover clues and secrets spanning an underside to L.A. he never imagined.
But an amassing of polarized reviews have followed in the film’s wake since leaving the famed French film festival on May 15th. It released nationwide only in France on August 8th and then in Belgium on August 15th, staggering it at a 54% on Rotten Tomatoes. This forced eager, expectant movie-goers here in the states to wonder if these ratings were to blame for A24’s apparent abandonment of releasing it in the U.S. at the end of June. You see, since then, it has been pushed back two more times: once to December 7th, and again to its final resting place of April 19th, 2019, nearly a year since its initial release date. Despite the middling RT score and frustrating amount of push-backs, many are still looking forward to the film’s mid-spring release, but many others are still skeptical – holding out a meager amount of hope, but ever-expecting it to be pushed back yet a fourth time.
Thus, the film’s fickle release date has since become somewhat of an inside joke among the film community, and it might cause one to wonder just what could happen before Under the Silver Lake is, if ever, released. And so, presented to you fine people, is a list of all the things that are more likely to happen at this point than Under the Silver Lake ever gracing the silver screens of American cinemas. This is because, as we all know, it is far better and more realistic – emphasis on realistic – to have low expectations met than to have high ones utterly disappointed.
15. I’ll delete my Neopets accounts.
Yes, you read that right: accounts plural. After absolutely running the Neopets game at tender primary school age, and then promptly getting all my accounts frozen because I was too much of a fucking hustler, I restarted my tenure there a few years ago. Under the carefully curated usernames I created in college called “stevebuscemiisbae” and “punkrockaesthetic”, I’ve spanned eight painted pets and over 1.9 million Neopoints in total, so I wouldn’t let any of this go lightly.
There’s just something about Neopets that still has a stranglehold on me over a decade since I was in the thick of it – back when I was coding HTML like a pro and bartering painted pets over the chat boards akin to making under-the-table deals with the mob (admittance to which I had to receive through literally faxing their HQ a signed document from my dad). But at twenty-four I still get rush from snatching up items at the Money Tree and perusing the Neopian Pound. Please keep your jealousy to yourself – I did not ask for it.
14. My coworker will find out I was the one who got her two buckets of slime for Secret Santa.
I just thought, who doesn’t like slime? Have you seen slime? Touched slime? Have you even been on Instagram? It’s a goddamn phenomenon! And I thought that it would be kinda funny too. To just open up a Secret Santa gift bag and find two big hulking buckets of slime from Five Below. I mean, it’s only a Secret Santa. Who gives a shit about Secret Santa, let alone one with your coworkers. But then I come into work after a couple days and I find out this girl’s been complaining to everyone about her slime; that it’s like “some five-year-old’s birthday party gift.” I told my managers to keep it airtight who got it for her, but the way word can travel around here, I imagine I’ll be walking on a tightrope to my grave – or sooner.
12. David Lynch will explain the meaning of Eraserhead.
I know this one is kind of low-hanging fruit, but honestly, Lynch is an unpredictable guy. From the disavowing of his own beloved Woody Woodpecker dolls to kicking fans in the teeth with the absence of an Audrey/Cooper reunion in Twin Peaks: The Return, who knows what the guy’s capable of. Maybe one night he’ll be smoking a cigarette and coiffing his hair and it’ll pouf just right and then, suddenly, he’ll find himself feeling extra generous. He’ll pour himself a glass of Merlot, step into a bathrobe and fuzzy slippers, log into his extremely oft-used Twitter account (@DAVID_LYNCH) and marvel us Lynchian fanatics with an in-depth analysis and clarification of his first feature film. What if the Lady in the Radiator was a metaphor for the Reagan administration all along?
11. Fall Out Boy will go on hiatus again.
If you were once a 15-year-old scene kid who ended AIM messages to your friends with “xD rawr”, then Fall Out Boy going on an indefinite hiatus back in 2010 was your own personal apocalypse. You listened to “Sugar We’re Goin’ Down Swingin'” and “Sophomore Slump or Comeback Of” on your blue-colored iPod nano to mend your broken heart and remind you of the better days. But upon the release of “My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)” in 2013, it seemed the universe had finally realigned. You no longer had to stare wistfully out the bus window on the way to high school while listening to “Thnks Fr Th Mmrs”. Fall Out Boy released three more albums since then and hasn’t shown any signs of slowing…
…but then again, I’m not paying any attention. I’m twenty-four now; I don’t give a shit about Fall Out Boy anymore. For all I know, Pete Wentz is one eyeliner smudge away from calling it quits. And I think we should let it happen.
10. I’ll watch Titanic.
It’s taken me this long to will myself to set aside three hours for Schindler’s List – not actually do it, mind you, just exist within the process of continuously willing myself – and at least that movie is about something I find even remotely interesting. Sorry, but it’s hard to imagine taking an entire evening out of my day to watch Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet fall in love and drown. I know the beats, I know what happens. They get on the boat, then it’s all “I’m flying, Jack,” and “I’m king of the world!” and then, suddenly, there’s just not enough room on that door for the two of them. Do I really need to take away precious hours of Neopets time to sit through a story I already know?
9. Leonardo DiCaprio will date a woman over 25.
And speaking of Leo, that old son of a gun (and emphasis on old), what are you doing, buddy? You’re over forty years old, dating a 21-year-old who you’ve known since she was a teenager? What is your endgame here? Allegedly, it’s due to the fact that he doesn’t see himself settling down just yet. I suppose the best remedy for that particular problem is to date someone who hasn’t even started thinking about it. Still doesn’t make it any less…unsettling. And Leo has a bit of a track record for pursuing the vastly age-inappropriate if only ever dating women aged twenty-five or younger for the past twenty years in the spotlight. Maybe take a walk on the wild side, buddy, and shoot for twenty-six next time.
8. A job – any job – I applied for will respond to me.
And I don’t even mean offer me an interview- I know that that’s a bit too much to ask for. I just want a response. Any response at all! At the very least, just a simple, politely-worded rejection letter. I’ve applied for at least twenty to thirty jobs and only received a single, personalized rejection letter. So kind, so generous of that one, single, employer out of thirty. I suppose, these days, with the ease of the internet and job boards, it just becomes so overwhelming for employers to sift through every application, read each one carefully and then respond to hopeful applicants accordingly. Then again… isn’t that what they’re supposed to do?
7. Everyone will realize that Movie 43 is actually good.
With a solid 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, but three watches from this critic who would say otherwise, Movie 43 is the underrated gem of our generation. Richard Roeper labeled the film “the Citizen Kane of awful”, and it boasts a cast of committed performances the likes of Emma Stone, Naomi Watts, and Hugh Jackman with a pair of prosthetic balls attached to his neck like a turkey snood. Honestly, it’s only a matter of time before this film reaches the cult status it deserves alongside Troll 2 and Birdemic. Have I infuriated you enough yet? Well, who can truly say; I’m known to be wrong every now and then (and who can predict the future?). But I want “Saw Movie 43 three times and liked it” carved onto my gravestone and that’s final.
6. The What We Do in the Shadows sequel will finally start production.
They’ve already got two spin-off television series, but word of a second cinematic installment was on the horizon only two years ago. Allegedly focusing on the werewolf pack of the first film (lead by alpha male Anton, played by Rhys Darby) and cheekily entitled We’re Wolves, the news sent fans into quite the tizzy. And yet…no word of any production commencement. In 2017, co-director/writer Taikia Waititi confirmed he’d be teaming up again with Jemaine Clement to get the sequel in motion, but later indicated that fans might not see it on movie screens for several years. Seven years, to be exact. As of October 2017, it’s been confirmed that the hopeful sequel hasn’t even been written yet, but uhhhh, perhaps Waititi and Clement will find themselves in a particularly productive mood sooner than we think.
5. Mandy will qualify for a “Best Original Score” Oscar nomination.
The revelation that Mandy can’t qualify for a much-deserved Oscar nomination was one of the most heartbreaking things discovered this awards season. The late Johan Johansson’s infectious and haunting nightmare of a score, which complemented the second confounding brainchild of Panos Cosmatos, was a hopeful among fans for a Best Score nomination, but it appears Academy members have a stricter set of rules than previously realized. The Mandy snub is due to the fact that the film was released on VOD before finishing its qualifying run in LA, and a wrinkled old bag o’ bones with a bad tan somewhere out in Hollywood decided that that’s not the mark of a true Academy Award-nominated film. Someone tell the Academy I’ll be waiting to fist fight all eight thousand of them whenever they decide they have the balls to face me.
4. Jon Hamm will be allowed to be funny in a comedy film.
Jon Hamm is a handsome boy, but the Mad Men actor has proven his comedy chops time and time again. With side-splitting appearances hosting SNL and roles in the comedy series’ Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, it’s clear that the suave stylings of Don Draper have a knack for the goofier side as well. With his ridiculously poster-boy handsomeness but ability to be quite jarringly wacky, he exists in the same comedic realm as Paul Rudd, whose similar amounts of beauty are only complemented by an affinity for a goofy, absurd sense of humor. But other than his brief stint in the beloved Bridesmaids, it seems no other film (looking at you, Tag and Keeping Up with the Joneses) is willing to let Hamm go the silly mile he deserves. Cowards.
3. Twin Peaks fans will find out what year it is.
A creation of David Lynch’s makes another appearance on this list, and this time it’s the finale of the long-awaited third season of Twin Peaks. 2017’s Twin Peaks: The Return finished itself off wrapped up neatly in a Lynchian bow, complete with parallel universes, an amnesiac Laura Palmer, the Palmer house which, curiously, never belonged to the Palmer family, and Laura emitting a blood-curdling scream. And before she does, Cooper asks a cryptic, unanswered question: “What year is it?” It was a fashionably confusing ending for an endlessly puzzling show, and to think that anything from Lynch would provide itself with closure is foolish at best.
Still… a little hint might be nice. It wouldn’t help much but it would at least be something, right? Perhaps, a decade indication? Can we ballpark it? Can we play 20 Questions with David Lynch and if we don’t get the year right then we’ll never ask ever ever again? Please? Please please please?
2. Quentin Tarantino will stop using the N-word in his movies.
Actually, you know what… I think this one’s a little too much to ask for.
1. I’ll get a haircut.
It’s just really hard, you know? You’re supposed to get a trim at least once every six months, but it really is such a process. Getting in my car, driving all the way over; and what if there’s a wait? What if the hairdresser can’t tell one inch from two? What if she’s…*shudder*…chatty? But it’s been well over six months at this point, so I really am due for one. My ends are starting to split a little. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt – but I might need a few more days to decide. I’ll do it eventually, though. I swear.