by David Christopher Bell
Since it’s right upon us, I thought it might be fun to completely ruin your Thanksgiving this year.
With no further introduction, here are the most disgusting meals consumed by human people in movies. Enjoy!
10. The Live Octopus in Oldboy
Live octopus is actually something people eat, which is why it sort of gets a pass. On the other hand: gross, dude. That shit is alive and wiggling. In fact, why do people eat seafood at all? It’s just big ocean insects living in the world’s piss.
What really drives this scene home is the fact that Choi Min-sik, a Buddhist, actually ate four of those things to get the scene right – praying for each squirmy life he took in the process.
9. Giant Turkey in Honey I Shrunk The Kids
You might be wondering what’s so gross about a giant turkey, but that’s because you haven’t thought it through. It’s not going to be more meat – it’s going to be oddly large meat. Giant bones, large strands of weird texture stringing off of gobs of fat – none of which would make you want to eat the thing.
In fact, imagine eating anything enlarged. You’d get to see all the imperfections that come with it – all the weird textures, blown up. Maybe I’m just a freak, but that sounds like the most disgusting thing ever.
8. Pretty Much Anything Served At The Pressman Hotel in Fight Club
Look, while drinking Brad Pitt’s urine is definitely a life moment very few people can say they have achieved – that’s probably not enough motivation to actually do it. Especially considering that you’d actually be drinking Edward Norton’s – and who wants to do that?
Really, as the film progresses and “Fight Club” swells into “Project Mayhem,” there’s pretty much no eatery in the country that people should be sitting down at. After all, Edward Norton’s pee might be bad – but that’s nothing compared to whatever the lead singer of Live put into that clam chowder.
7. Alien Vomit in Bad Taste
In fairness, we have no idea what alien vomit tastes like. It was green, so maybe it’s actually like that sour apple Squeeze Pop shit that gave us all diabetes as kids. What I’m saying is, never knock something until you try it – and that goes double for anything Peter Jackson vomits out. After all, The Lovely Bones made a shit load of money.
6. Human Brain in Hannibal
Technically, it’s not morally wrong if you’re eating your own brain, right? And in fairness to the doctor, Ray Liotta looks like a guy with a really tasty brain – salty, but not so salty that it kills the taste, you know?
For years, it’s still hard to tell if this scene is really horrific or really funny. Mostly because the act of feeding a drugged up asshole his own brain is quite a foreign concept until this film came out – at least to me. Now it’s all I can think about… all day and night… just… eating Ray Liotta’s delicious brain…
5. Frank in Fried Green Tomatoes
Not enough light-hearted dramas about the close ties between women involve cannibalism. I’d watch all of them, if only there was at least one scene where someone is cooked and fed to unsuspecting victims.
What makes this way worse than Hannibal is the secrecy and the far less than overt way these ladies are making people eat the innards of another human being. After all, unless it’s that kid in the scene on the plane, most people know not to eat something offered to them by a dude who never blinks – it’s way harder to make that distinction with folksy barbecue.
4. Minny’s Chocolate Pie in The Help
Poop pie. It’s a pie made out of poop. Now don’t get me wrong – nothing was more satisfying than watching the bad lady eat the poop, but it would have been way better had Minny chopped that lady’s mom or husband or something and fed it to her instead of just poop. There’s poop in people too, so you would technically get the best of both worlds.
Ok, enough cannibalism talk, I guess. We’ll see.
3. The Custard in Dead Alive
Peter Jackson really knew how to make a disgusting movie back in the day – either that or he stumbled on some sort of surplus of food dye and thickener in his early years and had to use it before it went bad.
This is one of those cases where editing and technique play huge into an already horrific scene. The build up, the smacking sounds of the man’s lips, the lack of music all appeal to that little part in everyone’s heads that gives them the urge to light anthills on fire out of fear and disgust.
2. Snake Surprise in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom
It’s literally the Spielberg of disgusting food scenes – the go-to for anyone forced to name their most revolting childhood movie memory. Fucking snake surprise. Not that the rest of the course was any better, what with their bugs and monkey brains and eyeball soup. We were so close to normal with that eyeball soup.
The real question is – if you were forced to eat one of the meals, which one would it be? I’m going with the monkey brains, because at least with those I can pretend like I’m eating Ray Liotta.
1. A Single Wafer Thin Mint in Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life
Cheating? Perhaps, considering everything that led up to the single, tiny, little, wafer thin mint was much more disgusting. But it is that mint, that straw breaking the camel’s back, that really ties together one of the most disgusting movie scenes ever from what is arguably the best comedy troupe who ever lived.
Now someone send me a ticket to the reunion show before I have to go on a cannibalism spree. I swear I’ll eat every last one of you. Starting with Ray Liotta.