Have you heard? Measles is making a comeback. In celebration of this momentous occasion, we’re here to bring you a list of fictional diseases that you can be confident won’t kill you, even under the encroaching threat of a bunch of real-life diseases that we thought we eliminated.
DISCLAIMER: This column will NOT be listing any diseases where the end result is zombification, because they’re boring and, at the end of the day, the result is the same.
10. Carnosaur Virus (Carnosaur)
This airborne pathogen infects and impregnates women with dinosaur embryos, which Alien their way out of the unwilling mothers’ wombs. Ostensibly the goal of this genetically-engineered virus is to wipe out humans and allow dinosaurs to rule the world once more, but this plan doesn’t seem to have been too well thought through, considering the radically different climate of the modern age.
9. MacGregor’s Syndrome (Batman & Robin)
Batman & Robin gives the mysterious illness that has plagued Mr. Freeze’s wife since his tragic backstory in Batman the Animated Series a name. While the disease didn’t kill Alfred, thanks to Freeze’s cure, it did kill off this iteration of Batman movies. The Caped Crusader wouldn’t appear on film again until Batman Begins.
8. MM88 (Virus)
Similar to fictional AIDS, MM88 amplifies the negative effects of other viruses and bacterium, making it extremely deadly. The epidemic kills off the entire world population except for 855 people stationed on an Antarctic base. Eventually, everyone dies in a nuclear fire anyway, thanks to a Dr. Strangelove-esque mutually assured destruction system where both American and Soviet nuclear arsenals are all launched.
7. Red Death (Osmosis Jones)
Uniquely, the disease in this movie is also literally its primary antagonist. Thrax is a walking, talking virus that our protagonists must hunt down, cop movie style. The movie never completely defines exactly what Thrax is, but he affects Frank’s genetics and causes general cold-like symptoms, almost killing his host. Eventually, Thrax meets his end by falling into rubbing alcohol, which is honestly a pretty gruesome death for a cartoon character.
6. NDS (Absolon)
This film is predicated on a disease version of the premise of Soylent Green. Earth’s population relies on the titular Absolon drug treatment, which staves off the virus. The film’s plot revolves around one police officer’s attempts to unravel the conspiracy behind the drug and the true cure for the virus. It’s basically a whole movie revolving around that tweet that went viral where some Wall Street investor theorized that curing disease is not a sustainable business model.