Arnold Schwarzenegger Gets to Be President in 'Kung Fury' Sequel

The former California governor gets to fictionally become what he can't in real life.

Schwarzenegger As President Conan

The former California governor gets to fictionally become what he can’t in real life.

It’s been a hell of a ride for Kung Fury fans this week. Who’d have thought it’d get wilder than Michael Fassbender and The Hoff? In fact, it’s gotten six feet and two inches of pure muscle worth of more wild. It’s finally going to happen for Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s going to be President. Well, a movie President at least. According to The Hollywood Reporter the action star and former California governor has signed on to play POTUS in David Sandberg’s feature-length Kung Fury sequel.

Hold on a second. We need to throw this back to 2010 for his pee-break-and-you-missed-it cameo in Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables. When he meets up in the church with Stallone and Willis, they have a tense exchange and Schwarzenegger lights into antagonizing Stallone. As Schwarzenegger stalks off, Willis asks “What’s his fucking problem?” Stallone’s calm reply? “He wants to be President.”

Ya burnt! The truth is he does fucking want to be President. But, thanks to James Madison, Article II Section I, Clause 5 of the United States Constitution declares that a candidate for President must be a natural born citizen. No real Presidency for the Austrian. Which is a shame, because the man’s got the style.

There probably isn’t a more passionate, proud Republican out there today than Arnold. His outward passion through his sincere belief in the soft power of our country is moving.  Schwarzenegger has been politically involved for most of his life. Outside of being the Governor of California for about six years and married to JFK niece Maria Shriver for 21 years, he’s been very vocal about his dissatisfaction with the current administration.

One last video. Here’s Arnold reading an Abraham Lincoln quote, in his Austrian accent, sounding as American as apple pie.

Enough about the political love letters. The Schwarzenegger news came with a bit of a plot description. Kung Fury defends 1985 Miami with his Thundercops, the ultimate police force. A Thundercop will die, a mysterious villain will appear, and Adolf Hitler might be back.

The real question is: what kind of president will befit Sandberg’s madcap Kung Fury world?

In a movie featuring “Triceracops” and machine-gun wielding Viking women, President Conan might be a good fit. Old Man Conan has been on many people’s wish list. Swear to Crom, he could be plucked out of time and installed as president in this mixed-up time-travel crazy world. He’d be like Odin. All powerful, but ready to let the next-generation do the hero-ing. And, it already features the Norse God of Thunder!

They could introduce Predators into the world via a war weary Dutch! All for a handshake gag where Kung Fury and Dutch bicep flex their way through the manliest handshake ever.

If it were up to me, I’d make the character a fictionalized version of Arnold Schwarzenegger. What if in Kung Fury’s America, Arnold Schwarzenegger time traveled back to 1985 to engineer an Amendment to the Constitution to become president?

It’s topical and personal. And, Schwarzenegger has the comedy chops to pull off the self-parodying.

I’m sure that Sandberg will cook up something genuinely delightful for Arnold. Get out the vote, get your hashtag campaigns started. Vote for Arnold!

Writer for Film School Rejects. He currently lives in Virginia, where he is very proud of his three kids, wife, and projector. Co-Dork on the In The Mouth of Dorkness podcast.