by David Christopher Bell
It has to be the simplest motivation out there – it’s even excusable at times. You can’t fight hunger, right? And if your meal of choice happens to be the earth’s self-proclaimed dominant species then well, you’re going to have to get a bit creative.
Like all predators, the secret is to surprise your prey. As the following list will show, this can be done many ways – some much more creative than others.
8. The Infected in 28 Days Later
Don’t get me wrong – once infected these guys don’t really know the meaning of stealth. However what’s interesting is the speed with which the initial infection happens. It’s almost so quick that even if you wanted to warn your party you wouldn’t have the time. That’s pretty goddamn efficient.
It’s not unlike the possessed in the Evil Dead series where one second they’re that person you’ve known and loved all your life… and then you turn your head and they’re a gnawing freak of nature, impossible to miss and insatiable in their disgusting attack. Hell – if they’re lucky they’ll take you down with the shock alone.
7. Lily in V/H/S
Been on a big V/H/S kick lately.
Lily’s effectiveness kind of depends on the type she draws in. Being a succubus and all, she hangs around dudes – more specifically dudes who aren’t exactly using their frontal lobes to make the big decisions. After all, she kind of wafts the scent of obsessive hell beast right from the start with her wide eyes and incredibly creepy pick up line – but if one was drunk and ready for love that might seem endearing.
She is pretty cute, even after she starts eating people. I mean – sure she is like, winged and shit, but she seems very devoted. And you know that you’ll never get your ass kicked while you’re with her – any bar fight would end with your attacker being dropped at 10,000 ft.
As a side note – it turns out that walking up to people at a bar wide-eyed and saying “I like you” doesn’t work both ways – at least not for me – and will most likely get you maced within seconds. Just a heads up.
6. Raptors in Jurassic Park
They were designed by nature to withstand horns and tail lashes, to penetrate the thick scaly armor of creatures much larger than themselves – so basically, to them, human beings are delicious little jokes. We’re like bacon to them. Clown meat. They probably don’t even consider us a rite of passage to kill. Can’t stress that enough – the dumbest, smallest, and slowest raptor in these films can still probably kill your average action movie star.
Come to think of it – wouldn’t it be awesome if the newest Die Hard film had Raptors in it? At this point, I don’t think it would hurt the franchise. How would that play out? Or oh, Neo from The Matrix! Imagine Neo fighting a Jurassic Park raptor. No matter what happens there, the bystander wins.
5. The Graboids in Tremors
Tremors is pretty much the movie version of “the floor is lava.” The graboid worms are incredibly frustrating and horrifying to combat. Any creature that you have to fight with the same method you’d use for bass fishing is going to be tedious as all hell. That’s the unbalance here: we kill them through bait and patience, and they kill us by sucking us into the ground at their leisure. They sense our vibrations miles away, and the best we can do is sensing them biting our ankles. It’s not fair at all.
Anyone see the TV Series that came from this film? It lasted 13 episodes, which frankly seems like too many. Man-eating worms in the ground are something that might carry a few movies along – but can you imagine six seasons of it? How does a series like that even jump the shark? It is the shark.
4. The Alien in The Thing
Definitely not your traditional man-eater – it’s way scarier than that. The creatures in this film don’t gobble you up so much as they consume your DNA slowly and replicate you for what appears to be the soul purpose of freaking everyone out. That’s literally the most sense we get in terms of motivation. They duplicate us and then just kind of sit tight, waiting for the chance to spread. What they plan on doing once they dominate the world is a mystery – maybe they’ll just get really into golfing or something.
Whatever the case – the process of consuming a victim is anything but subtle. However the transition period is disturbingly quick. You’re in the restroom at work, shaky from the two Red Bulls you had that morning and struggling to get everything done for the day. You turn to your co-worker to ask them if they’ve seen that Argo movie everyone’s talking about and suddenly their face explodes and starts to tentacle you like you’re being punk’d by Satan.
It’s pretty much the last thing you expect yourself to be doing at any given point in a day.
3. Eli in Let The Right One In
Out of all the vampires out there, Eli seems like the subtlest. Eli doesn’t live pale-white in some castle or publically seduce debutantes or (God forbid) sparkle in the sunlight or any of that vampire shit. It isn’t some twisted game – for Eli it’s just a matter of getting that sweet man blood in her belly. It’s predatory. Kid’s like a ninja dropping down on people in snowy dark corners. At the very least you might find yourself blindsided by what appears to be a scared child. That’s as public as it will get.
The only drawback I see to being a small vampire child is that whole thing about having to be invited into peoples’ homes. Do you think that only applies to residences? Like – do have to be invited in every time you go into a school or a shop? If that’s the case then do Walmart greeters count? If not – what if someone works from home? Like – what if someone makes candles out of their garage, can you go into the garage and not into the rest of the house? What about sheds or doghouses? It’s really confusing.
2. Sand Sharks in Sand Sharks!
Look. I’m not happy about this any more than you are, OK?
I was going to go with Jaws – after all, Sand Sharks pretty much takes its entire plot from Jaws. That said, when you go into the ocean it’s not completely out of the realm of possibility that you could be eaten by a shark. After all – that’s where sharks are.
Now imagine that you’re minding your own business badly emoting somewhere on the beach, in the dunes, far away from the ocean. Next thing you know… shark! How badly does God have to hate a person for this to happen? Think about it – it’s not just a matter of the lord simply standing aside and allowing you to die, God would have to actively participate in the process here. God would have had to actually brainstorm that.
Personally – the moment I see a sand shark is the moment I throw any possibility of a higher power out the window, if only to preserve any sanity left after such a moment. Then again – if I see a Sand Shark chances are that I’m in the movie Sand Sharks so I probably have it coming.
1. Dr. Hannibal Lecter
Here’s the thing about this guy – even when he’s wearing his Casey Jones mask or flicking his tongue around his psycho hamster cage, you still kind of want to be his friend. Like – there’s this vibe he gives off where you think that maybe just this one time he will spare you. It’s like how a snake will sit there motionless, feet away, and you figure that there is no way for it to strike you without showing some kind of additional warning. But what you don’t realize is just how quick the snake really is, and next thing you know your entire fifth grade class is pissed at you for ruining the field trip.
Now imagine that you have no idea what kind of horrors this man has committed – all you have left is his wit and charm, his killer class and talent for cooking. You’d never think twice about being invited into his home.
I’ve always wondered what his fictional patients must think at this point. “Man, that Dr. Lecter really helped me get over my trust issues… at least until he started eating all those people.”
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