2010: The Year Movies Cured Sex

By  · Published on January 7th, 2011

In most years of film one can logically find a common theme amongst a decent number of pictures to apply a label that sort of embodies what that year may represent in hindsight. Such as, the “Year of the Animated Film” if a bunch of strong animated pictures were released, or the “Year of Jude Law if Jude Law Did Stuff,” or the “Year of the R-Rated Sex Comedy” if there were a bunch of films that made you remember you’re comically bad at sex.

The theme is usually something very superficial and easy to locate, unlike certain things difficult to locate that make you comically bad at sex. However, I’m somewhat of an introspective individual. I don’t like to buy into simply what’s on the surface. I like things to mean more. I like the potential of finding something connective between some generally unrelated material.

Basically what I’m saying is I like to make shit up for the purpose of entertaining journalism. Yet, despite my reaching deep into the abyss of irrelevance, I have come back with the knowledge that a handful of pictures from 2010 contain something substantial about them, or contained within them that does work metaphorically as strong advice about particular relationship situations, or sexual inadequacies or troubles.

The fact that I found them in films ranging from children’s fare to horror pictures obviously says more about the film industry than my obsession with finding sex in everything.


It may be a little difficult to admit to yourselves fellas, but maybe…just maybe, your potato head isn’t quite as exciting for her anymore. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, but you’ve been together for years and maybe you two just aren’t baking with all the fixin’s like you used to. It happens.

If you’d like to make her happy though, then swallow your pride and accept that there’s something out there a little better at satisfying your girlfriend/wife than you are. So, take the high road, be a man and get her a nice long toy cucumber.

She’ll probably swoon just as Mrs. Potato Head did – and, like Mrs. Potato Head, she’ll still be happy to see you return to your former self after a while.

But, don’t be offended if she keeps the cucumber around.


Ever have that problem where you’re trying to have sex with your wife and all you can think about is Elias Koteas? Well, maybe you should take the fictitious Nazi psychiatrist approach to medicine and try embracing your imagination. Insert some elaborate role-playing into your life.

Take a step out of your shoes for a while and into a world of pure fantasy with your significant other and potentially uncover some hidden secrets about yourself and your desires. If nothing else you’ll at least have shared a very personal, open and honest experience together and that helps couples grow and stay healthy and not drown children.

If you’d like to keep Koteas involved then you be Casey Jones and she can be April O’Neil and you don’t involve any turtles whatsoever.


Often times with the arrival of a young child in the family the bedroom fun can get put on hold for a while. Raising children can be equally satisfying and exhausting, leaving very little spare energy to do that thing that got the child there in the first place.

If you’re having trouble with this and it’s honestly getting to you and you’ve talked about it together then, men, it’s time to pull out the old reliable – spontaneity and unpredictability.

If you’re fortunate enough to have a pool in your backyard then that’s probably a good place to get things started (take a cue from the demon) and then you can move on to trashing the kitchen. However, whatever you do, stay the hell out of the nursery with your illegal-in-most-states activity lest a demon come in and justifiably snap your neck.


Perhaps the issue isn’t necessarily rooted in sex at all. Maybe you have problems talking, or holding conversations. Mental stimulation can be a powerful and invigorating aphrodisiac and if you can’t feed that then you’re in trouble.

Looks can kill, but the wrong words (or lack of any at all unless you’re mute) out of even the prettiest of mouths can murder any chance you had to slip her your Jeffrey, or stroke the furry wall. At that point there’s only one thing you can really do – you gotta work on your mindf*&^ing.

Ask questions about her that can get her to notice that you’re both interested and allow for verbal ping pong; and you may want to catch up on your current events, just in case things start to run a little dry you can throw something culturally relevant as a topic of conversation.

Exercise your mind penis and maybe you won’t feel like you’re doing nothing but walking around an airport with a plastic baggy up your ass.


This is directed at all the gentlelessmen who are excessively promiscuous. Sure, sex is fun and experiencing it with a lot of people can be exciting and, arguably, even educational. However, a lifetime of over-indulgence can potentially cost you something special in the long run, or maybe it already it has.

So, as Mickey Ward did in The Fighter you simply need to stop listening to your Dicky when it’s high, because when you do you could end up in the ring with someone two grades out of your weight class that will result in nothing but pain and regret for months.

So, send Dicky to prison for a while, let it get clean, let it clear its head so that when you’ve got the opportunity for a championship you can finally work together to bring home the belt.



This final suggestive metaphor is intended for the ladies to benefit themselves. Are you in a relationship with a guy that you really like, but there’s kind of an issue with the duration of sex? Maybe he’s taken my advice and kept his Dicky in prison a little too long, resulting in considerable over-excitement.

First, you should take this as a compliment, Dammit! Second, don’t worry because Christopher Nolan has invented science for you. If you feel that premature ejaculation is becoming a consistent problem then just before you start to get under the covers (be swift though because he may not make it), pop a sedative, enter a deep sleep and turn 1.35 minutes of pleasure into a potential 50 year orgasm.

Be careful though with your sleep sex within sleep sex within sleep sex not to have your orgasm at one of the upper levels; otherwise, you’ll end up in limbo…or there’s going to be a train, or something. I really don’t know. That whole science might as well be the female anatomy as far as I’m concerned.