10 Movie Characters That Would Benefit From Health Reform

By  · Published on March 23rd, 2010

Editor’s Note: The lovely guys over at Film Threat have also put together a list similar to this with a bit of a different spin. When I saw it, I thought that maybe you should read that as well.. Because what else are you going to do with your time? Work? Nah…

Rejoice! It’s a new day in America! Because of the lovely politicians up on Capitol Hill giving our good old friend Bill a fighting chance at becoming a law, millions of Americans might not have to go see that cheap (yet dashing) Dr. Horrible for their medical needs anymore.

And I’ll have to stop self-medicating with Aunt Jemima’s syrup, Boone’s Farm, and nicotine patches.

So basically, this whole situation sucks.

But it’s great news for many movie characters who, until recently, weren’t covered by the evil insurance companies because of tragic pre-existing conditions. So let’s raise a glass of syrup to them, the brave few who will be sick no more forever.

The 10 Characters That Benefit from the Health Bill:

10. Frankenstein’s Monster from Frankenstein

Pre-existing Condition: Being Made of Dead People

The Diagnosis: Being made of dead people has always put Monster in a difficult position when filling out those pesky insurance applications. But now that Health Care Reform has arrived, no insurance company can turn Monster down! A new golden age of preventative care has arrived for the guy made up of so many other guys. All dead. -RR

9. Woody from Toy Story 2

Pre-existing Condition: Broken Arm

The Diagnosis: Just like the One-Armed Man from The Fugitive, Woody had a lot of trouble finding coverage previously because of the rising cost of thread and a reluctance on the part of insurance companies to find innovative prosthetic solutions. Even though he was worth six figures and highly sought-after by Japanese Toy Museums, those visits from the creepy old man with the dozen-focal glasses didn’t come cheap. -CA

8. Misty Falls from Sick Girl (Masters of Horror)

Pre-existing Condition: Brazilian Bug Bite

The Diagnosis: Misty gets bit on the ear by a rare bug. No big deal right? Wrong. Now she’s growing bug eyes, tendrils, and gets all Jeff Goldblum on everyone’s ass. The real tragedy here is that, without health care, she would have had to deliver her brood of insect baby larvae at a free clinic. -CA

7. Cherry Darling from Planet Terror

Pre-existing Condition: Gun Leg

The Diagnosis: Do you have any idea how much ammunition refills cost at the pharmacy? Do you? Plus, the strip clubs don’t historically have the best benefits packages. She’s gotta get someone to cover that co-pay for her. -CA

6. Dracula from Dracula

Pre-existing Condition: Eating disorder, undead

The Diagnosis: Dracula has always had problems getting health insurance. Being undead, not having a pulse, yet still conversing with Van Helsing, Mina and friends, makes things a little tricky. Stricken with an eating disorder requiring an infusion of fresh blood has made many an insurance company turn him down for those basic necessities – like dental coverage. I want to meet the sales person at Empire Blue Cross Blue Shield who dares turn him down now. -RR

5. Sneezy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Pre-existing Condition: AIDS

The Diagnosis: I realize that few of you realized it, but the man is sick for an entire film that spans a fairly long period of time. Getting a cold is one thing, but staying sick that long points to something far more sinister. Yes, friends, it’s true. Thankfully, it’s something that’s far more treatable than ever, and he’ll get a discount for being on a multi-payer plan. -CA

4. Ratso Rizzo from Midnight Cowboy

Pre-existing Condition: Chronic cough, poor fashion choices

The Diagnosis: Ratso has so many strikes against him. It’s no wonder that until the US government stepped in Ratso was denied coverage. The limp, the cough, the hair, the accent, the just plain Ratso-ness left him out in the cold. Though more human than some of the other subjects, Ratso can now miss that bus to Florida. -RR

3. Thomas Sennett from My Girl

Pre-existing Condition: Bee Allergy

The Diagnosis: If there’s one group that benefits the most from the addition in coverage, it’s the kids. For they truly are our future. Thomas is a sweet boy who finds the true joy of life in the girl next door. And isn’t that, after all, what we all want? On second thought, insuring him was probably a poor choice. -CA

2. Peter Gibbons from Office Space

Pre-existing Condition: Case of the Mondays

The Diagnosis: We’ve all gotten them before, but even with his middle-management credentials, the squeeze has been on small business for too long. And, from what we hear, this health care reform is going to make it even worse. Or better. It’s hard to say with Rush Limbaugh and Joe Biden’s hair plugs talking so loud. Still, Peter is a hard-working American, and he deserves not to get screwed out of health care when the Mondays come. Damn it feels good to have coverage. -CA

1. Zombies from Dawn of the Dead

Pre-existing Condition: Death

The Diagnosis: Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins! -RR

Editor’s Note: This list was lovingly compiled by Robin Ruinsky and Cole Abaius.

An author similar to Hydra. Its articles have many authors. It has many heads. Please don’t cut off any of its heads, we’re trying to work here.