Katrina Bowden

Piranha 3DD

Piranha 3DD wasn’t screened for critics, and a flood wiped out the showing I was slated to attend at the only theater featuring it in New York City. After the 45-minute round-trip subway ride for nothing, I returned to my apartment, sat down to order the movie on video on demand and had one of those brief moments of existential panic that befalls every film critic now and again: Is spending a half-day or more trying to see Piranha 3DD really what I should be doing with my life? Fortunately, I guess, I sucked it up, hit “buy,” and sat through the 71-minute feature, which is padded out to 81 thanks to 10 minutes of outtakes and David Hasselhoff jokes over the closing credits. Full disclosure: I don’t have a 3-D TV, so I can’t comment on what it’s like to see Katrina Bowden’s projectile vomit propelling toward you from a big screen. If you’re looking for an in-depth dissection of Piranha 3DD’s third-dimensional tomfoolery, you’ll have to go elsewhere.

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If you watched the green band trailer for Piranha 3DD, then you’ve already seen most of what the new red band trailer has to offer. You would think that for a property this intent on gaining attention by being shocking and schlocky, there would be some sick, shocking stuff saved for the restricted audience ads…but not really. All of the same high points are here: Christopher Lloyd ranting as a crazy scientist, David Hasselhoff being a cocky dick, Gary Busey getting down and dirty with some fish heads, some fish heads getting down and dirty with Katrina Bowden, and Ving Rhames showing off his gun leg. While not getting much of anything new is kind of a disappointment, those high points are admittedly pretty high. And there is one (two?) big difference between this new trailer and the first one that got released: boobs. Lots of them. Pretty much the first 30 seconds of this ad consists of bare boobs on display while a narrator tries his best to talk in a gravely, Christian Bale voice. So if you’re not at work or anything, and you haven’t seen a trailer for this movie yet, you should probably make it a point to watch this one. Because things are always better with boobs.

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There hasn’t been much good news surrounding Piranha 3DD so far. From the very beginning, the fact that Alexander Aja and his writers weren’t coming back for this sequel to their delightfully nihilist 2010 film was a disappointment. Then the studio started monkeying with the release date, a sure sign that signals were crossed and expectations weren’t being met at some level of the production. It got to the point where it was pretty easy to write Piranha 3DD off as a missed opportunity before anyone had ever even seen it. But this new trailer that Shock Till You Drop has dug up throws a monkey wrench in those plans. How could anyone hate a movie with a cast like this? First off, Christopher Lloyd returns as the crazy scientist, which is something that should happen in about every third movie made. Secondly, David Koechner is playing the owner of a water park who has hired strippers for life guards. Thirdly, they’ve included David Hasselhoff, who shows up playing himself, but while dressed in his Baywatch gear. Then you also have to consider the fact that Katrina Bowden seems to have a baby piranha in her vagina, the only thing that can stop these fish may be Gary Busey biting their heads off, and eventually things get so bad that Ving Rhames has to go all Planet Terror and pull out a set of gun legs.

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Horror-comedies are a mixed bag. Often they’re not scary or violent enough to satisfy your horror boner, nor are they funny enough to tickle your funny bone(r). When they work well, you get an Evil Dead II or a Dead and Breakfast. When they fail you get…I don’t know, who remembers shitty horror-comedies? Tucker & Dale vs. Evil follows two lovable, well meaning rednecks through a series of misunderstandings that result in a group of vacationing college kids being convinced the duo are out to murder them. Like any educated group, the kids decide the best thing to do is to take the war to the hillbillies and try to kill them and rescue their “kidnapped” friend. Things go comically and fatally awry to great effect.

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Drinking Games

It’s the week after Thanksgiving, there’s Christmas music playing non-stop on the radio and people are getting pepper-sprayed at Wal-Mart during Black Friday video game stampedes. This can only mean one thing… it’s time for a kick-ass hillbilly horror comedy to come out on DVD and Blu-ray. Tucker & Dale vs. Evil had a fun little jaunt through limited release this fall, along with some premium-priced On Demand options. Now, everybody’s favorite West Virginia rednecks can come to your DVD or Blu-ray player and fight the evil that is college kids camping in the woods. And like our heroes Tucker and Dale, it’s best enjoyed with a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon (in a non-ironic way), or better yet: simple generic beer!

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After taking the world by storm as 30 Rock‘s airy, often charming secretary Cerie and being named Esquire’s 2011 Sexiest Woman Alive, Katrina Bowden has set her sights on becoming fish food for the somewhat anticipated horror spectacle sequel Piranha 3DD. A press release confirmed this morning that Bowden will join the likes of Gary Busey, Danielle Panabaker and Matt Bush in the 3D killer fish film, which is due out on November 23. It won’t be Bowden’s first walk on the wild side of horror though, as she starred alongside Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine in Eli Craig’s excellent scary hillbilly comedy Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. For those who don’t remember, that’s the festival-traversing horror comedy we (and almost every other writer on the planet) have been raving about since it debuted at Sundance in 2010. It’s still yet to see a release, which makes me sad. But hopefully the rise of Bowden, who is featured prominently in the film, will help get it into theaters or at the very least, onto DVD. In the mean time, Bowden will likely be eaten by several angry fish.

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Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Are you tired of negative hillbilly stereotypes in horror films? I didn’t know I was. As a southern-born gent and lifelong film geek, whether I’ve wanted to or not, I’ve continued to possess a keen awareness of how the people of my region are represented in film.

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Do you like movies in which people are killed in creative ways? Do you like movies that will make you laugh so hard you may pee yourself? Do you like movies that do both? If so, this is your movie.

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TuckerandDaleversusEvil

Remember all those times that rednecks attacked you and your friends on Spring Break in the woods? Turns out you were the assholes.

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published: 12.23.2014
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published: 12.22.2014
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published: 12.19.2014
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