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Have you ever wondered what the Arnold Schwarzenegger action classic COMMANDO would have looked like if instead of a big-budget Hollywood blockbuster, it had been made as an 80s-era Japanese sitcom with the same cast? No? You haven’t? Seriously? Huh.

Well, we got it for you anyway, courtesy of the great Eyes on Cinema YouTube channel, and it is a bright, brash, frenetic, pixel-bound blend of pop aesthetics and guerilla-style skirmishes, plus there’s a lot of pink. A lot. And I don’t know what the theme song’s lyrics translate to, but I do know it just replaced “Are You That Somebody?” by Aaliyah from the DOCTOR DOOLITTLE soundtrack as number one on my mental playlist.

COMMANDO is one of my favorite action films of all-time, mostly because I think it’s the most action-y of action films, absurd to the point of being awesome, as funny as it is fun, and as over-the-top as it can get away with: Arnold flips a car by himself at one point, and the big-bad is wearing a mesh tank top for the entire picture; also, Rae Dawn Chong. This what-if opening captures all of that and puts a tonal spin on the project that, I have to admit, would have me glued to my television if this was a real thing. Think LUKE CAGE meets a game show with art direction from whoever designed The Max in SAVED BY THE BELL, and you’re halfway there. Tanoshimu.

Novelist, Screenwriter, Video Essayist