Turned On: An Ode to Spock’s Vulcan Ears


Editor’s Note: We here at FSR thought we should get a sex column, but it couldn’t just be any old, tired, worn-out, married for seventeen years and barely looking at each other while we brush our teeth and where did the love go sex column. It needed to be the best damned sex column on the face of the planet. And, of course, it had to involve film and television. Since no one that works (or contributes) to FSR has ever had sex, we had to turn to Bethany Perryman – a woman whose reputation and AdultFriendFinder profile precede her. Ladies and gentleman, every Monday, be prepared to fill or be filled. Special Note: Please enjoy this special encore presentation of Bethany’s Turned On, Tuned In — and don’t forget to stop back on Monday for more.

What’s turning me on this week?

I’ll tell you what’s not: Rejection. In fact, I’d venture to guess that almost all sexual beings loathe those three little words, “Not tonight, honey.” This week, rejection is killing me: I know that the editorial staff at FSR HQ has already seen the new Star Trek movie, and I can’t get them to talk to me about it. These self-proclaimed Rejects have become serial rejecters, which are some of the most hated yet sought-after men that you’ll find. These guys won’t tell me anything, no matter how many of my single friends I promise to hook them up with. I read their reviews, helped the staff with their girl troubles, watched Neil on TV, and all with the same result: I am no closer to the new Star Trek movie than you are. And believe me, people, it’s driving me batty.

That being said, the thing that is turning me on more than a light-switch this week is: The New Star Trek Trailer.

None too many hours before the FSR guys were watching the world premiere of Star Trek in my home state of Texas, at a famous Austin movie theater that I’ve 1st-based in with my own share of cowboys, I was at a matinee showing of I Love You, Man with my girlfriends here in DC. At this point in my life, I thought I was simply looking forward to Paul Rudd’s cute mug, and the fleeting hope of another satisfyingly hot-larious full-frontal scene with Jason Segel a-la Forgetting Sarah Marshall. But it was soon made clear that what I had really gone to the movies for that day was to be teased and titillated by the trailer for the new Star Trek.

I’ve seen all of the Star Trek films—but I don’t watch Heroes, I’m fervently pro-Star Wars, and, um, I’m a girl—so I’d blissfully missed out on all of this hype until I saw the preview on the silver screen. And it was unforgettable, like going from “Come here often?” to 2nd-and-a-half-base-by-the-restrooms to “Let’s skip drinks and just get a cab”—all in a whirlwind two minutes. By the way, that will happen to you and not be creepy only once in your dating life. Once if you’re very, very lucky.

The universe, warp speed, Chris Pine, who? I don’t even care, that man is a skin-deep vision as James Tiberius. And I’d be lying if I told you that that Spock character hasn’t shown up all over my dreams. (I just imagine him without the Vulcan ears. This is not a fetish column.) I really hope that these guys are getting some sweet-hot nerd tail in these final days of post-production. Other people that should be getting laid as a direct result of this film? Art directors. Simon Pegg. CGI folks. Whoever made those hot star ships come to life and implode that planet or whatever. Because it’s not just the leading men who turned me on this week, it’s the entirety of the short viewing experience that has my sensibilities atwitter. Look, you Trekkies may believe that space is the final frontier, but I straight up know that it is sex.

Men, some women tease for benevolent reasons, and not because they are evil or tricky or wish to confuse you from heart to happy trail. I personally tease because it’s fun, and—listen up here—because I like being teased a little myself. Built-up anticipation with the promise of a big, um, payoff at the end is what foreplay—here in the form of a truly fantastic movie trailer—is all about. (Why do you think they call them teasers? Not an accident.) And on May 8th, I anticipate a three hour long, highly rewarding payoff. It’s a tall order, yes, but I believe that Star Trek can deliver.

And what exactly happens if this woman is left unsatisfied? The same old things. Some will say it’s my fault for assuming that the action would be as good as what I’ve experienced with other Star Trek films, some will defensively blame me for judging an end product by its preview, and some will blame the Trek for underperforming. But I will know that both “Star Trek” and I gave it our best shot. And that will be OK. Extended foreplay that leads to an ultimately dissatisfying climax and countless rejections alike, these things can teach us something about ourselves—if we let them. They can help us become more acutely aware of who and how we are. So what do I do? I remain optimistic and, ahem, trek forward.

Watch the trailer that absolutely made me squirm here:

Need relationship advice? Too bad. Bethany is terrible at relationships. But if you need sex advice, feel free to send your questions to Bethany@filmschoolrejects.com. They might just embarrassingly be featured on the site!

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