The Toxic Avenger Faces His Most Dangerous Enemy Yet… A PG-13 Remake

The Toxic Avenger

Buried among the 12,631 remakes currently in various stages of production is a reboot that no one expected… and even fewer people probably care about. Troma Films’ most iconic character is getting a big-screen remake courtesy of the brilliant and talentless Akiva Goldsman. No, I’m not talking about the gun-toting, overweight, black lady from Surf Nazis Must Die. I’m talking about The Toxic Avenger!

Of course, if you read the title of this post you already knew that.

Per Deadline, Goldsman and Original Media are hard at work trying to turn The Toxic Avenger into a “family friendly PG-13 action comedy akin to The Mask.” If you’ve seen the original movie that may seem like a ridiculous task… the Troma-produced genre flicks are known for featuring boobs, blood, and copious amounts of bad special effects. But apparently the time feels right to Goldsman and friends to birth a big-budget, ecologically friendly superhero onto the children of the world.

The Toxic Avenger follows the adventures of a nerdy mop boy who gets picked on by everyone and has no play with the ladies. This being New Jersey, one bullying incident finds him dropped into a vat of toxic waste… and the skinny little geek (think Cole Abaius) comes out of the sludge a muscle-bound warrior (think Robert Fure). He proceeds to clean up the town’s evil-doers, wrong-doers, and punks, and makes time for the occasional social call with the local tarts (which is where the similarity to Fure ends). His weapon of choice is his mop, of course, and several baddies end up impaled on his wooden shaft.

I would have thought a toned down version of the story would be impossible, but having just recently watched the trailer for the upcoming Marmaduke movie I think I can see it now. If Goldsman and company take that same route, one of pure and utter stupidity, one that insults the intelligence of anyone with eyes and ears, one that substitutes poor CGI and goofy dance numbers for actual content and value, and simply tacks on a “green” message to fool ignorant parents into thinking this is good for their children… The Toxic Avenger could very well become the hero America deserves.

What do you think of a PG-13 Toxic Avenger? Have you seen the original or its sequels?