by David Christopher Bell
As most of us no doubt know, it’s hard enough just to live with yourself after committing a gruesome murder – let alone dealing with logistics of the body and police and all that jazz. Thank god the act itself can be done pretty easily these days – what with all the guns and knives and catapults we have access to.
Of course the problem is that your victim is always going to see it coming when you’re wheeling out your homemade trebuchet, which is why the best weapon is the one that’s right under their noses. The moving pictures know this, and have given us some remarkable kills with very unremarkable items in the past…
Oh also – be warned now, the following is pretty gross.
14. Death By Lawnmower in Braindead AKA Dead Alive
It’s the age-old question of whether or not dismembering a zombie counts as an actual kill. Given that the zombism in this film is the result of an infectious bite from a Sumatran Rat-Monkey, I’d like to think that there is no actual reanimation. On the other hand – who gives a shit? Did you see what happens in this film? He chops up a house full of these things with a goddamn lawnmower!
Has to make you wonder what a scene like this would have looked like if Peter Jackson made this film with the money he has now. Can’t you just picture the beautifully crafted set pieces being splattered with blood and guts, all to an elaborate and epic orchestral score?
13. Death By Phallic Art in A Clockwork Orange
OK, maybe ‘mundane’ isn’t the best word here. Still, it’s not exactly something you’d imagine to be the thing in the room that kills you – If only because you wouldn’t think God to be so hilariously cruel. Turns out you’d be wrong.
Got to wonder what it said on the police report about this. Considering Alex’s getup, the woman’s rage-fueled vigor, the murder weapon, and the fact that the house was filled with cats, this must have been an interesting read in the crime report of the morning paper.
12. Death By Hockey Skate in Halloween: H20
Not so tough without your bat friend, Gordon-Levitt!
Are hockey skates even all that sharp on the underside? Sure, they have a tip but… well it seems like Myers would had to have literally pushed that thing in there. Not out of the realm of possibility, but boy would that suck. I guess a swift chopping motion works too – like an axe, but an axe that you wear on your feet.
This is why ice sports are so weird; when you objectively look at a skate, it seems like it would be used to kill people rather than a way to travel on ice while beating a puck. I’m not saying that Hockey is bad or dumb, but you have to wonder if every now and then the players all stop to reflect on how not normal what they are doing is.
11. Death By Garage Door in Scream
That’s a sturdy garage door these guys got – must be from the 70s or something. Seriously, go try to kill someone with your garage door – it’s not going to happen. They just don’t make ’em like they used to. What a shame.
Can’t help but to wonder why she didn’t just life the garage door – it’s not like it’s a spaceship airlock or anything, you can lift an automatic door if you have to. I know, I know – she’s in a hurry… but that really had to be a moment when the killer looked over the dead girl stuck in the pet door and thought, “Wow. Idiot.”
10. Death By Peanut in Daredevil
I guess it’s not uncommon to be allergic to or choke on a peanut – but having one flicked down your gaping chute by Colin Farrell on an airplane is a little odd.
I love how they made the lady slightly racist. It’s like… when I was in film school my teacher once said that there are only two kinds of people that you can get away with mercilessly killing in films: zombies and Nazis. So racist old people are kind of like in between that then, right? I kid, but seriously – you ever notice how if a film wants to kill an elderly character they just make them a little racist first? Just a little dab of racist, a glaze, and it’s totally okay.
9. Death By Toilet in The Boondock Saints
This is the moment that the McManus brothers later interpret as a calling from God to continue to take out mobsters. It makes sense that the thing that would make you want to change your life would involve breaking a toilet, however for most people it’s about laying off the booze or dieting – not more killing.
Extra points here for the fact that they kill two birds with one toilet, the first of the two involving a serious amount of help from gravity. That’s the other thing – you’d think that a toilet kill would involve slamming their head on the can, and not the other way around.
8. Death By Pencil in The Dark Knight
If this was a list of funniest or most awesome overall kills with mundane objects you bet your eyeball that this would be number one. However it’s not the first time someone has used a pencil for such an act – let alone the dull end.
It was the dull end right? What’s great about this kill is that it happens so fast that it’s hard to figure out exactly what you saw. All you know is that something happened, and it wasn’t pleasant. Great magic trick, though.
7. Death By Carrot in Shoot ’Em Up
“Eat your vegetables.”
Does it count if the carrot is used to trigger a gun? If yes, then four carrot kills in this film. If no, then two carrot kills in this film.
The fact that this is a question that needs to be asked is kind of… uh…
Huh. You know… I think this film just might be amazing.
6. Death By Icicle in Die Hard 2
Talk about a cold stare! BAM!
Sorry. Watching the scene, all that really comes to mind are ice puns. It’s like suddenly I’m Mr. Freeze from Batman & Robin.
Killing someone with an icicle actually seems hard – it’s so slippery and cold, I don’t know who gets the raw end of that deal. At least there’s no evidence afterward. And it’s not like the guy didn’t deserve a stab to the eye. Still, that wound must have hurt… but at least he got ice on it right away.
5. Death By Sheet Of Glass in The Omen
To be killed by a Rube Goldberg contraption designed by the devil himself is weird enough, but the fact that it was decapitation by pane of glass just spills this over into downright silly. It’s a clown death, proof that Satan is probably way fun at parties.
You have to imagine the weird afterlife that guy had, awkwardly telling his loved ones what happened… having to hear the same retort, “Well why didn’t you just duck?”
I love the way the devil works in these films. He’s so passive aggressive, giving only the tiniest of pushes in his actions. It’s like how I imagine my mother would try and kill me.
4. Death By Coin in X-Men: First Class
You know – I really have to side with Magneto on this one. Sure, in the broad sense Xavier is right that killing is bad and all that… but trying to stop your friend from taking out the Nazi war criminal who killed his goddamn mother is just plain Looney Tunes. Even if you take away the whole Nazi mom-killer thing, what exactly was Charles planning on doing with the guy who can explode people by touch if he wasn’t planning to kill him?
It seems like a stupid move is all I’m saying. Then to tell Magneto that the army guys shooting at them are just “following orders,” knowing his background, is flat out asking for him to lose his shit. Come on, X – I know he’s wearing that helmet but there has to be a setting up there between mind reading and completely dense.
3. Death By Towel in The Bourne Ultimatum
You have to wonder what was going through that guy’s head as this pretty-boy amnesiac was choking him to death with a dirty bathroom towel in some damp Moroccan apartment. My guess is that he was thinking about all the vast weapons handling and self-defense training he was given over the years, and the fact that none of that held up against a wash cloth.
Did he also punch him through a book? Come on Bourne! These guys went through the same training as you and you can’t give them a little bit of dignity?
2. Death By Bowling Pin in There Will Be Blood
We all saw this one coming. Despite being so club-like, there’s just something innocent about a bowling pin. It symbolizes adolescence… that romantic time when sex and movies weren’t spoiled by overexposure and unwanted groping. A bowling alley is the only place where it’s wholesome to be drunk.
Then Danny has to go and bludgeon a priest to death with a bowling pin in one, which is, in my opinion, worse than if it were an actual church. Don’t get me wrong – it was amazing, but now I can’t go bowling anymore without being afraid of people with mustaches.
1. Death By Corn On The Cob in Sleepwalkers
Wow, and I thought the “Eat your vegetables” line from before was going to be the low point. This is… just an amazing way to kill someone. It’s corn on the cob! The only food that specifies its location in the name! It’s literally the most wholesome thing in the world! Who doesn’t like corn on the cob on a cool summer night, perhaps while outside on the grill. Light up some sparklers and grab a beer. America, man! America!
And this chick just stabbed a dude with one.