by David Christopher Bell
Everyone has had one of those insane nights that you couldn’t have possibly planned for in a million years. It usually ends with you walking home barefooted or, at the worst, discreetly burying a camelback trunk filled with human remains. Point is, it’s harder to appreciate when this happens in film, so now I present to you 14 surprise movie nights that – for better or for worse – definitely had to suck for the characters involved.
14. Nick And Honey Learn The Meaning Of Insanity in Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?
In some ways, this might have been a relief for the young married couple who unwittingly found themselves in one of the most uncomfortable domestic affairs of movie history. What I mean is, dinner parties can be tense and overly formal – so the moment the host takes out an umbrella gun it’s pretty much shoes off at that point. By the end, one can’t even imagine the conversation these two have over breakfast.
13. Lesly Looses A Fiancée in House Of Yes
Here’s another sign your dinner party didn’t go well: if the guest of honor runs out of the house screaming. Also, this is probably the most blindsided someone has ever left a loved one – as the film follows a Thanksgiving with a fiancée who fails to mention that his home life tends to involve incestual presidential assassination recreations, which for most ladies is probably a deal breaker.
12. Gerardo Takes The Wrong Person Home in Death And The Maiden
This is what you get for trying to help someone out. A lawyer takes home Ben Kingsley in a rainstorm only to find out that – by amazing chance – he once committed unthinkable sexual war crimes on his wife, who isn’t very happy with that. What I mean is, she ties him up and holds the house hostage, which you can’t exactly blame her for doing. What could have been a cozy rainy night instead turns into, well… a Roman Polanski film.
11. Sally Attends The Worst Dinner Party Ever in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Driving through backwoods of Texas, for some, might be a stark reminder of our own mortality. Still, one doesn’t think they will be the main course of a monster redneck family supper just because of one creepy hitchhiker. At least not without seeing this movie first, which I’m pretty sure would make Sally’s universe collapse on itself. Then again, that’s still better than what she goes through.
10. Laurie Learns She Has A Brother in Halloween II
On the plus side, Laurie was able to more or less break the ice between her and her brother in the first film before she knew it was a family reunion. And after that, they both seemed to pretty clearly outline how their new founded relationship would play out – which unfortunately had more to do with stabbing than reminiscing about mom and dad. Between the first Halloween and Laurie’s hospital adventures, this is probably the worst two days anyone can have in a row.
9. John McClane Turns Into A Terrorist-Fighting Superhero in Die Hard
This movie is why I leave my shoes on all the time. You never know when a German will find advantage in your bare feet, and not just in the non-sexual way Hans does in this film.
Not only does Bruce Willis get a surprise terrorist party in this film – but it’s also what sets up the third film as well. In a single night he not only takes out a team of bad guys, but also puts into motion an elaborate game of New York riddlesplosions worthy of a Batman film.
8. Kate Learns That Vampires Exist The Hard Way in From Dusk Till Dawn
It’s best to ease into the realization that vampires are a real thing, especially in a universe where they have been commonly accepted as hogwash. Like, what are the odds that vampires would a) exist and b) exist exactly like Bram Stoker said they did. Also, they just killed your entire family and now you’re in Mexico. Sure, George Clooney is there, but he doesn’t want to hang out with you – which is almost the worst part.
7. Ash Becomes A Medieval Legend in Evil Dead II
In what starts as a fun and romantic trip with his girlfriend turns into a shovel decapitation in the same freaking night. Really, just cutting off your lady’s head and burying her is enough to be on this list, but that’s just night one. On night number two you have to fight an evil entity that sends you back in time to become some kind of chosen one and then you, my friend, have had a terrible weekend.
I have to say, Ash sure doesn’t hesitate at lopping off his girlfriend’s head in this film – so I’m gonna say that it was probably for the best anyway.
6. Rob Gets A Terrible Farewell Party in Cloverfield
Cloverfield was kind of like Paranormal Activity if the demon was larger and all the characters had the same decision making skills as Micah. It’s hard to care too much about these peoples’ wellbeing when a monster the size of a skyscraper is able to tiptoe up to them and eat their cameraman, who they then promptly grab the camera from. It’s also kind of silly to watch 80 minutes of generic whiny people fight to survive and rescue each other and then die in the last 10 minutes. I guess I should be talking about how they all had a really bad night in the film – but so did I, watching it. That part in the store with the Statue Of Liberty was pretty neat though.
5. Sarah Connor Learns She Is A Savior To Mankind in The Terminator
This movie doesn’t take much more than a day to happen – and on the first night Sarah goes from kicking it in Tech Noir to saving the world from a robot apocalypse with her womb, nailing a dude from the future, and then escaping from the law with a bun in the oven. She was literally serving waffles in the same 24-hour span that she became humanity’s last hope.
It’s enough to make anyone switch from iguana to German Shepherd.
Hey speaking of robots ruining your life…
4. Miles Dyson Learns He Is The Destroyer Of Worlds in Terminator 2
Way worse. Miles goes from hanging with his family to suicide bombing a major building in less time it takes to watch the extended cut of Return Of The King. Just imagine for a second reading these words and then having the monitor shot out by a woman in a tank top and glasses telling you that it’s “all your fault” that your day job will some day create hulking robot Austrians and nuclear annihilation. Really imagine it, because that was Miles Dyson’s evening in this movie.
3. The Gang Destroys Civilization As We Know It in The World’s End
Going into this film – I’m not sure anyone suspected that it would end with a post-apocalyptic fireside narration where the world was roamed by wayward alien robots and Simon Pegg dressed like some sort of vampire hunter. Then again, that’s just one of the reasons this film was so amazing.
In terms of drinking night disasters I’d put blowing up the world at about a nine out of ten – ten being reserved for Goldschlager.
2. Everyone Has A Terrible Evening in Night Of The Living Dead
Just an all-around crappy time, and by “everyone” I guess I mean “the entire world” because our deceased loved ones have begun tearing themselves into reanimation and hunger for our flesh. And keep in mind that this universe doesn’t have zombies in their pop culture, which means the only logical conclusion to the situation is that the world hates them and wants them all to die in the worst way.
It’s really a bummer of a night – and for the characters in the film, the best-case scenario is getting shot and burned by rednecks.
1. Marty McFly Becomes The First Non-Dog To Travel Through Time in Back To The Future
Going from a high school slacker to historic space-time pioneer is a hell of a thing to happen both overnight, and also in a mall parking lot. In fact, this whole series happens in the rough span of a month for Marty, and like two days for his non-time traveling family – at least the version of his family that doesn’t blink out of existence when they get changed in the first film.
I guess these kinds of things happen when parents let their kids hang out with a weird old man in his garage. Time travel is actually the best possible outcome for that scenario, when you think about it.
Related Topics: Back to the Future