by David Christopher Bell
The World’s End was a great film, and amongst its many covered genres, it made a pretty big mark in the ranks of epic bar brawl movies. To celebrate, why don’t we explore some of the other great drunken tussles of the sci-fi and fantasy genres? Excellent. Glad you’re on board.
Because no matter what sorcery or technology you have at your fingertips, there’s always time to get soused and hit someone.
10. Kirk Takes On Starfleet Cadets in Star Trek
This was probably the first moment in the new film where things got interesting. A young, dickish Kirk became fully realized at the sight of him getting his ass handed to him in a futuristic space cadet dive. Why, in a world with transporters and warp speed, would a shitty little bar exist is irrelevant because it’s an awesome thing to have.
That said, those flashy moving menus and walls must be hell when you’re drunk.
9. The End Of The Line For The End of Line Club in Tron: Legacy
Speaking of somewhere that’s hell when you’re drunk, this has to be the worst sci-fi bar ever. How do I know? The owner calls alcohol “libations.” Thank god he later explodes in digital hellfire.
Being the only person I know who likes this film, my one critique is that if they were going to have an uncanny valley Jeff Bridges as Clu, they should have embraced it fully instead of just trying to pass it off. Why not have Sam notice how creepy he looks right away? They could even explain it as a side effect to Flynn coping himself or something like that. After all, there’s nothing wrong with the villain looking like a scary computer muppet if you do it on purpose.
8. The Island Of Toruga in Pirates Of The Caribbean
This rambunctious island of drunken pirates would be much farther down on this list if it existed in something other than a Disney film. Instead I’m fairly certain there are zero fatalities involved in their surly celebrations.
It’s kind of weird how this series begins with pirates portrayed mostly as rape and pillage swine with a curse over their heads and by the end are the good guys of the series. It’s kind of a strange message to teach the children. Like, if these pirates were alright, then what does that say about Captain Hook? Maybe we just didn’t get to know him.
7. Obi-Wan Takes A Ponda Baba Down A Peg in A New Hope
A fight that ended even before it started. And while containing pretty much one blow, that blow was so extreme that it beats out the likes of the above. Because the moment a laser sword cuts a guy’s arm off, you know the party has gone out of hand.
That said, it’s a pretty shitty bar that immediately goes back to drinking after a dude loses an appendage no matter how much of a dick he was being moments earlier. And despite not really talking, he still was a total dick.
6. Venusville Bar Revolts in Total Recall
Venusville is the worst bar name for a bar on Mars. Why not Argyre Ales or Hellas Good Beer or something? You’re on Mars! Get creative, you freaking mutants.
And another thing – why is the three-breasted lady not all messed up like the other mutants? I mean besides the extra breast. Well I guess the tiny prostitute lady was fine as well, but was that just an implant or did she just get really lucky about her particular mutation? Is having a third breast lucky? I’m not actually sure.
5. The T-800 Takes On A Biker Bar in Terminator 2: Judgement Day
It’s no Tech Noir from the first film but it’s way rowdier by the end – and by rowdy I mean a giant naked Austrian throws a dude on the grill before stealing all his clothes. It really makes you wonder what the atmosphere was like immediately after he left on the dude’s bike while he sat there waiting for paramedics with his junk all out in the air.
Actually that raises a horrible question: did the T-800 take the biker’s underwear also? The worst part is, no matter the answer it’s still disturbing for two very different reasons.
4. The Entire Ending To Shaun Of The Dead
Queen pretty much makes every scene amazingly upbeat no matter the situation. Seriously, go play “Jazz” on repeat and watch Requiem For A Dream and see how terrible you feel afterward. You won’t.
In fact, Shaun Of The Dead gives Wayne’s World a real run for its money in terms of iconic Queen-related scenes in films. Just you wait a generation or so and I bet it will be the clear front-runner even. It’s sad to say, but it’s also true.
3. River Flips The Hell Out in Serenity
Women. Right? Am I right? My hand is up but no one is giving me a high five.
But seriously, she’s completely insane. Then again, I’ve seen commercials that have made me want to kill everyone in the room before, too – and while they didn’t have secret subliminal kill commands in them, they did have that damned Progressive lady. I’ve never hated anyone more than that Progressive lady.
This isn’t so much of a brawl as it is a karate razing so brutal that it crosses over into hilarious.
2. Marion’s Bar Burns To The Ground In Raiders Of The Lost Ark
A good sign that you’ve won a bar fight is if you end up setting the place on fire because you whipped a hot poker from a Nazi. Then again, whipping Nazis is all Indiana knows in life. That and having sex with his friend’s daughter.
I can never stress that fact enough with Indiana Jones – that he slept with an underage girl, left, and when he saw her again she was a raging alcoholic in a Nepalese dive that he then burns to the ground. But at least they get married in that CGI one. God, I love these films.
1. The Entire Second Half Of From Dusk Till Dawn
Vampire strippers. I dunno, it’s kind of a toss up when you’re talking about Salma Hayek. Like, look – yes you’ll die, but it’s also the closest you’d ever get to Salma Hayek. I can’t tell you what’s most important in your life, all I’m saying is that it’s not as clear-cut of a decision for everyone.
This film is the definition of a night at the bar that just totally goes tits up. One of those nights where you think you’ll just stay for a few hours and leave – maybe go home and watch some Space Ghost or something. But next thing you know it’s like 7am and you’re firing holes through the walls so that you can escape the creatures of hell that have so far killed everyone you know and loved.