You may have noticed, dear reader, that we didn’t have our usual Sunday night Listology to tide you over for the week. That’s because I was drunk by noon in celebration of this year’s Oktoberfest. I know I used that excuse back in April, but bear with me. I’m hung over. Luckily, while throwing up charcoal tablets (those things seriously don’t work) I hit upon the idea of making a belated list involving great movies to Drink To or Be Drunk During.
Of course I’m not drunk right now while making the list. That would be a cliche. Instead, I’m tripping acid. So climb aboard the melting lizard-unicorn I’m riding and come along for a magical journey of inebriated, cinematic bliss.
7. The Big Lebowski
If you haven’t taken The Lebowski Challenge, do yourself a favor and make mom proud by drinking a White Russian every time The Dude has one. You may scoff during the first half, but he has, like, four in a row during the second act. Seriously. Jackie Treehorn gives him two in a minute-long scene. If you’re not slurring out, “Hey careful, man, there’s a beverage here!” by then, you’re a better man than I.
6. Jui Kuen II
Remember that time you got blitzkrieged on Pabst Blue Ribbon and thought you could fly? Well, you couldn’t. But Jackie Chan can fight mobs of martial artists when he gets fuzz-knuckled. Known in the states as Drunken Master (or Drunken Master 2 if you’re really keeping score), Chan gets to kick ass, take names, and since he’s drunk, it looks like he’s kicking twice as much ass and taking twice the names. Last time we tried drinking and fighting, our CD rack pinned us in the first round. Unless you’re Chan, just drink – leave the sparring to the professionals. Or don’t – and let your friends videotape the results.
5. One A.M.
A little more realistic look at sloshed wanderings, physical comedy master Charlie Chaplin wrestles his own house in this timeless classic. The house wins. At 34 minutes long, it’s short, sweet and besides a quick segment with a cab driver, it’s all Chaplin’s genius. We think the filmmakers would be glad to know that 92 years later, society is basically the same, drunken, stumbling mess it was back then.
4. Crossroads
This 2002 classic inspired a lot of drinking. We Rejects were only able to stomach through the entire thing after already being schmammered from The Lebowski Challenge. There was a moment of sobriety when Britney strips down to her undies, but for most of it, Neil was doing shadow puppets on the screen until he fell over into a pile of cardboard boxes we were going to make a castle out of in the backyard later. We’re pretty sure we got the gist of it. The lesson is, “War is not the answer” right?
3. Strange Brew
Oh, Bob and Doug McKenzie. Despite being Canadian, total hosers, and wearing those weird beanies, you were just like us. This film is one of the best, because you can drink through the run-time while laughing your beer belly off at the same time. Modeled after Shakespearean masterpiece ‘Hamlet’ – wait, seriously? – Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis battle an evil brewmaster and save the day. True heroes! If they didn’t have puke breath, we’d kiss them.
2. Animal House
We all know that you’ve tried to down an entire bottle of Jack Daniels in one chug. We know we did. We have the hospital bills to prove it. The best thing about drinking to this film, arguably one of the funniest movies of all time, is that you don’t have to limit yourself to drinking. Throw on a toga, invite some friends over, and have sex with the Dean’s wife. Not in college? You might want to avoid leaving that dead horse in his office, but after downing half of the trashcan punch, you’ll probably end up doing it anyway. Just remember what to do when the cops show up: Throw your hands up and shout! Come on now! Don’t forget to say you will! A little bit softer now! I digress.
1. Beerfest
Let’s get this straight. It’s a movie about a beer-drinking team, drinking beer for a year in training for a beer-drinking tournament that takes place during Oktoberfest in Germany while brewing their own family recipe of beer and selling it at their beerhall? And it has the word ‘Beer’ in the title? We’re not sure how many kegs were consumed during the movie because we lost count, but we managed to kill three in the first hour. This may be the mecca of all beer movies. Watch it sober – then get schnockered and catch all the jokes you might have missed the first go ’round. When you sober up again, remember to pay your rent and lament the fact that Potfest isn’t a real movie. Yet.
Drunk Yet?
So there you have it. Seven movies that you’ll love to drink to, get drunk during, or need alcohol to survive. Remember to drink responsibly. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t trip on acid. Eat your vegetables. And don’t watch these movies alone – it’s a sign of alcoholism. Jump up and shout it now! Jump up and shout it now! A little bit louder now!
