Not Stars, Just Twinkies: Lindsay, Britney & Paris

paris.jpgWhat will we do now that the people whose luxurious lives we lusted over are either in or going to rehab, rehab and jail? While they’re off the front pages of the gutter press, we’ll have to trust that their expensive public relations firms will find other ways to keep them in the public eye, something which Paris’s people are already working on.

On the “official website” of Paris Hilton, along with hearing her sing and a listing of places she was appearing up to August 2006, it says “There are no current appearances.” Well, that’s not exactly the truth. As of June 5th, Paris Hilton will be appearing at (or in) jail.

For a mere $9.99, you can buy a pink “Free Paris” bracelet at If they really wanted to make a point, the bracelets would be free too.

Website quotes another Paris friend saying “It’s going to make her more famous than ever. In jail, she’s going to get enviably skinny, and without any make-up or products her hair and skin will finally be able to breathe, so they’ll look amazing, too. Plus she’s going to get all that street cred.”

Paris will need cred, since ABC reports she’s just been dropped from a new book on the world’s top heiresses, due to her “controversial behavior.”

On the other hand, Paris’s friend, fashion designer Alvin Valley said “Prison will be the best thing that ever happened to Paris Hilton.” I wonder if he’ll still be a friend after she reads that comment.

For awhile, the media was saying that Lindsay Lohan would visit her girlpal Paris in the pokey. Now she can’t since she’ll be self-incarcerated in rehab (or in her case “hab” since there’s no “re” about it). The Associated Press reported photos of an unconscious, er, I mean sleeping Lindsay with closed eyes and open mouth, slumped in the passenger seat of a friend’s car. Her publicist is saying that this is a medical matter. Spin No. 1. Lindsay herself allegedly claimed she was a victim of substance abuse. Poor substance. Always getting blamed for abusing these twinkies, when it’s the twinkies who are abusing them.

According to first reports of her most recent accident, she suffered no injuries, but now it seems she did not flee the scene (as the cops once thought), she went to Century City Hospital. Spin No. 2. The AP further reported “‘The world has been very hard on her,’ said Michael Heller, an attorney and Lohan family friend. ‘She has a lot of personal issues and family issues. There’s an incredible amount of pressure on this 20-year-old.’

“He also noted on Tuesday that Lohan has ‘gone from one movie to the next,’ spending long stretches of time away from her family. ‘She’s living in a hotel,’ he said. ‘It’s a very lonely existence.’

“Lohan’s mother, Dina Lohan, told Us Weekly magazine earlier this month that when her daughter isn’t working, ‘she’s so bored.’ I’ve told her, Please slow down. Stop’ She’s growing up and learning to do that. She really loves the business,’ the mother said.”

britney_spears.jpgBoth Paris and Lindsay have made recordings, but sales can never top those of our final twinkie, Britney Spears. Britney says she “hit rock bottom in rehab.” She made a statement on her website,

“I was like a bad kid running around with A.D.D. I confess, I was so lost.”

She didn’t blame her problem on alcohol or depression. She sort of blamed it on Kevin Federline. Divorce is a bitch.

Britany said “‘I think the whole problem was letting too many people into my life. You never know another person’s intentions or what another person wants,'” reported Reuters.

“‘I think it is actually normal for a young girl to go out after a huge divorce. I think it was a bigger issue because I had not gone out in such a long time,’ said Spears, who has not released an album since 2003.”

There’s nothing funny about divorce or drinking or drugging, but you’ve got to admit, when the media shouts that Britany Spears is “trying to stage a comeback,” and she’s only 25, that’s amusing.

“‘I do see the world with a completely different set of eyes now,” Spears said. “I do still have a lot to learn, and I am going to make mistakes everyday, and I am sure every mistake I make will probably be on CNN or ‘Good Morning America,'” said Reuters. One can only hope.

All three twinkies are in their twenties and already they’ve paid a high price for their 15 minutes. It didn’t have to be that way. Well, perhaps for Paris Hilton it did, but if Lindsay and Britney want to get back on top and stay there, they might take a look at the public lives of Streisand, Cher, and Madonna. All three were faced with the same temptations at the same age and instead of succumbing, they rode their ambition to the top and stayed there.

As ballast for all three of these skinny twinkies, it takes only one 45-year-old motormouth. Having downed a few brews (Grolsch), Rosie O’Donnell has again chosen to suck up to the media jonesing for damage control. Another nuclear meltdown. It’s hard to decide whether she needs rehab or anger management or Gordos Anonymous. She’s the second comedienne to go nuclear; the first was Joan Rivers whose vicious mouth replaced her funny bone. Now we have Mr. O’Donnell’s nasty nattering. Perhaps mate Kelli will get a divorce and end up with Kevin Federline.

Once upon a time, women were put up and onto pedestals, now they’re trying to climb up and onto the curb.

Sources: Reuters, Associated Press, Hollyscoop