We here at Film School Rejects are a family, and while I still haven’t met most of its members I love every single last one of them. Like most families, though, there exists a family within the FSR family that’s smaller in number but more intense in their interactions and relationships. (No? Just my real family? Hmm.) Here at FSR our smaller, weirder collective goes by the name The Boo Crew, and as the moniker suggests we are big, sloppy fans of the horror genre.
Still, even though I know the group loves things that go bump in the night I wasn’t sure how they’d react to this ridiculous idea suggesting a different kind of nighttime bump. Happily, they were all immediately on board based on the title alone and remained so after I explained the guidelines. We’d get one pick each allowing us to express our love for a single movie monster, and while “human” monsters were forbidden — too much risk of sketchy creepiness there — each of us were free to interpret the title of the post however we pleased. The results are varied, sweet, and good fun, and yes, of course Kieran Fisher viewed this as an opportunity to talk about the movie monster he’d most like to bone.
Keep reading for a look at the movie monsters we here in the Boo Crew wouldn’t kick out of bed.
Anyone who knows me, whether we’ve shared a metaphorical bed or not, knows that my number one requirement in friends, acquaintances, and cuddlers is that I be entertained. Selfish? Probably. That entertainment can come in all manner of forms, but ideally it will leave me with a smile on my face. To that end, the expectation was that I would go with Bigfoot as my monster of choice as he meets that requirement. But while my love for the big guy is both robust and time-consuming, I found my heart unexpectedly pulled in a different direction this time.
Yes, of course I’m talking about the alien life form at the center of The Green Slime. You need look and listen no further than the video above for my reasoning here as this movie monster comes with her own kick-ass theme song. It’s guaranteed to get the bed moving and is impossible not to sing along with, but Louise has other attractive features as well. For one thing she’s incredibly humble having grown up with the name “Green Slime” despite becoming something so much more than that in her later minutes. It would be like you being called Mewling Infant even though you probably grew up into a functioning adult capable of basic math and self-grooming. Louise — I call her Louise for obvious reasons — may have started life as a green slime substance, but she matures quickly into waddling, one-eyed beasts with tentacles for days and the dulcet singing voice of a playfully cantankerous dolphin. She has an electric personality, and while communication isn’t necessarily her strong-suit it’s clear she has a burning love for anyone within reach. Multi-faceted, energetic, and driven by a strong will to survive, Louise is welcome at my dance party, on my space station, and in my bed any time. (Rob Hunter)
Hello goth friends, I am here to sing the praises of one of cinema’s most datable monsters. No contest: it’s Spirited Away’s No-Face. First off, as someone with resting bitch face who only wears shapeless black garb, I’m immediately interested on an aesthetic level. No-Face would bring you little gifts. No-Face would ride the subway with you. He would sit with you in comfortable silence. But, most importantly, he is willing to learn from his mistakes and become a better translucent goth. At his worst, No-Face is suffering from a self-destructive appetite for identity; a vain hope that if he consumes enough things and people he will find out who he is. After literally purging himself of all his false identities and confronting his fear of emptiness, No-Face is immediately humbled, takes up knitting, and befriends a farm witch. He finds real belonging, peace, friends, and hobbies. No-Face taking little sips of tea and gently cutting up a cake is the energy you want in a partner. He’s a messy bitch who’s willing to admit when he’s erred, and is trying his best to live a kinder more considerate life. He’s embracing his truth as a quiet, rural, goth that loves tiny little bites of delicious baked goods. Would date. (Meg Shields)
What do we look for in a partner? Love? Friendship? Humor? At the most basic of levels though, aren’t we really just looking for someone with the strength and conviction to brutally murder groups of rapists? Naturally, right? Which is exactly why the magical Druid Worshipping Tree from William Friedkin’s bizarre The Guardian is the perfect woke partner for modern times. Get yourself a person, or in this case, a gnarly-looking centuries-old tree who will protect you, give you vivid dreams, eat babies and allow you to turn into a wolf… you know, stuff millennial couples are constantly striving for. Plus, if kids are in your future, who needs to spend money on daycare when you can just let the giant scary live oak babysit. They’ll be very safe after they are sacrificed and embedded in the trunk of the tree! (Jacob Trussell)
If I think about it, the poltergeist in Poltergeist is basically my perfect partner. We’re both West Coasters who love adorable kids, are passionate about preserving sovereign Native American land, and basically live in our TVs. Polty would also be good at getting me out of my comfort zone; he’s got the sense of mischief that attracts me in a guy, plus he’s steadfast and ever-present, a quality which will temper my urge to run from relationships when things get too serious. Sure, he’s actually a ton of different entities at once, but I’m always open to unconventional partnerships and we’ll be the talk of the town at the next interdimensional cocktail party. I’ll admit that I’m not too keen on ectoplasm, but I’ve heard that compromise is the key to love that lasts. (Valerie Ettenhofer)
Some people don’t really appreciate us. They just want to use us for our skills or bodies and toss us aside when they no longer feel we’re of any worth to them. If you’ve ever felt that way, then you can relate to Pumpkinhead — a demon whose purpose is to deal with other people’s drama. Like when their stupid kids get killed and their father is too much of a coward to get his own hands dirty. Just summon Pumpkinhead and he’ll deal with it. It’s not as if he has anything better to do. But who is Pumpkinhead really? What are his desires? I assume that he just wants to be his own monster, to live life as a free demon, with a heart full of love to give that special someone. I could love Pumpkinhead — I do love him — and I’d love to spend the rest of my life proving that I am that special someone. I would stare into his eyes over a morning coffee and hold his giant fingers as we walked through dark woodland until we found a nice fire to snuggle up to. And then we’d bump uglies. (Kieran Fisher)
I can’t take my eyes off the Gill-man. He’s a beauty. I’ve always had a thing for creatures; a deep attraction to those that go bump in the night, and emit a sense of danger with each purposeful movement they make. The Universal Monsters know what they want, and they go get it. Dracula, The Wolf Man, Frankenstein’s Monster, and The Invisible Man — they are all determined individuals with a mission, and as a listless human myself, I find nothing hotter than knowledge of purpose. Well, looks count too. And, again, no one has a face prettier than The Creature from the Black Lagoon. You can think of his alluring physique in two ways:
1) He’s the product of an ancient, primordial era. His body forever trapped in that mid-stage when humanity pulled forth from the sea. While we wandered out of the oceans, picked up bones to smash tapirs to death, only to erect our concrete metropolises, the Gill-Man’s ancestors stuck to the beaches, bogs, and lagoons. They’re only weakness being a striking figure in a bold white bathing suit. I definitely got the trunks to do the trick.
2) His brilliant anatomy is the product of an artistic genius. Milicent Patrick, the first female animator at Walt Disney Studios, intensely strained throughout six weeks and three designs before Universal Studios approved her Creature. Finally seeing her monster brought to life by Rico Browning (in sea) and Ben Chapman (on land), the producers knew they had an icon on their hands. Universal sent her out on a two-week promotional tour, and by the time she got back, a jealous senior makeup chief named Bud Westmore demanded that her name be struck from the record. The entire disappointing and gross story was recently investigated in Mallory O’Meara’s excellent “The Lady from the Black Lagoon.” Go read that.
Whether you decide to focus on the Gill-man’s fictional or factual creation, there is no denying his Daddy AF status. He’s a well-cut, sleek brute with a confident walk. His pointy dorsal crest might get in the way of a proper spooning, but we’d make it work. (Brad Gullickson)
I don’t know the logistics of getting a 1958 Plymouth Fury into a bed but I can say I wouldn’t kick Christine out of mine. On one hand, Christine is prone to bouts of murderous vengeance. On the other hand, I admire her sense of loyalty and commitment. Christine is exciting, passionate, and full of surprises. She may be a bit of a fixer-upper but she’s undeniably one of a kind. Christine appreciates the process of being cared for and I like to think she’s capable of returning the favor. She might have brought out the worst in easily corrupted high school boys but perhaps with the right partner there’s hope for her to change her ways and learn from her past mistakes. I have no plans to go full Cameron Diaz in The Counselor, so that could complicate the relationship, but I maintain that there’s potential for a real emotional connection. I can’t deny that Christine is over-protective, clingy, and, yes, homicidal, but relationships are about compromise, after all. (Anna Swanson)
While some of my fellow members of The Boo Crew see today’s question and take it down a perverted path of sexual fantasy, I have taken a different approach. If a monster is to enter my bed and not get kicked out they need to provide cuddly comfort and more importantly they’ll have to be able to coexist with a pair of monsters that already occupy my bed – my cats. To keep my cats best behaved I make sure to never get them wet, avoid exposing them to bright lights and never, under any circumstances, do I feed them after midnight. Given my existing structure I would naturally welcome a mogwai, specifically Gizmo from Gremlins, into my bed. This adorable little fur ball would surely be a big hit with my cats – they’d love to chase him while he drives his car around – and that alone is reason enough to invite him to the snuggle zone. (Chris Coffel)
Did I tell my beloved Boo Crew that they could only have one monster each? Yes. Am I about to share my second? Yes, and please don’t tell them. In my defense, though, how could I possibly not include Bigfoot on this list?! I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the big lug — as evidenced by my ranking of 47 Bigfoot movies — and if I could invite just one of his incarnations to share my king size bed the choice is an obvious one. Cry Wilderness may be an insanely incompetent movie, but its Bigfoot is a real keeper. Not only does he travel hundreds of miles just to yell at a child in an all boys school, but he does so out of love. Unlike most of his ilk he’s not a murderer, unlike his nerdy cousin Harry he’s not a klutz, and while he is a Coca-Cola addicted litterbug that’s a small price to pay for a furry friend who counts “wild” animals and undead Native Americans among his closest acquaintances. He’s someone you can count on to show up to lift heavy rocks off of your father when you need him to, and how many movie monsters can claim the same? (Rob Hunter)