In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Moviegoers the world over have been dreading Uwe Boll’s return to the big screen. If the direct-to-DVD release of BloodRayne II made you think there’d be a chance he’d be relegated to video store shelves exclusively, you’re in for a big disappointment as the long-awaited In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale makes its way into theaters this weekend.

Is it any surprise that this film wasn’t screened for any critic, anywhere in the free world? It’s not that you’d expect anything decent to come from Uwe Boll, but even I was unprepared for the level of suckage this movie produced.

The film opens with Leelee Sobieski and Ray Liotta making out. Ew. I like Liotta as an actor, but there’s something pervy about this. Isn’t she young enough to babysit his granddaughter?

And the film goes downhill from there.

The plot is obtusely convoluted, a real mess. As best as I could tell, Jason Statham plays a farmer named… wait for it… named “Farmer.” He is living a happy life with his wife and kid until these warrior creatures attack the village and kill almost everyone, including Farmer’s son. They also kidnap his wife. Farmer then joins forces with everyone from rogue soldiers to full-size forest pixies to rescue what is left of his family.

I’m not proud to say that I’ve seen all of Uwe Boll’s movies since House of the Dead, and this may be the worst one yet. While House of the Dead holds a special place in my heart for Boll hatred, In the Name of the King was longer by a full half-hour. And the kicker is that Boll is holding back a 164-minute director’s cut, presumably for the DVD release.

To be honest, I don’t know where to begin with this film? It was shit from beginning to end. The casting would be laughable if the movie didn’t suck the life out of the viewer. While there are some decent and relevant actors in it, like John Rhys-Davies, others were completely out of place, like the aforementioned Ray Liotta.

But the worst casting choices were the ones that aren’t great actors and didn’t make sense in the movie. Matthew Lillard, who plays a spoiled Duke and gives us the worst accent this side of the local Renaissance festival, brings himself to a new low with his hyperactive and insincere acting. But the worst of the bunch was Burt Reynolds as the king. The guy looked annoyed throughout the film, and I kept expecting him to lash out with a line from his other films. Each time he’s on screen, I expected a flashback to Boogie Nights: “Come on her tits.”

I went into this film knowing full well it was going to suck, but it managed to exceed these expectations. Even the trailers look better than the final film. In general, Uwe Boll’s movies are at least competently shot, and the trailers had me thinking this would be. I thought it would be like the hot chick high school who was lousy in the sack: looks decent but isn’t any real fun.

Instead, I saw worse visual effects and worse cinematography than they put in the trailer. So it’s like that hot chick from high school that you finally take on a date… only to discover she’s a dude with a lot of make-up on.

The Upside: Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Not even a nipple shot!

The Downside: Due to German financial laws that allow film investors to write off 100% of their investment in their taxes, Uwe Boll will continue to make films.

On the Side Uwe Boll refused to have an eating contest with me at Comic Con last year. What a beotch!

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