5. House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
Rob Zombie is not in the job of making sympathetic serial killer movies. The Firefly Clan are maniacs who capture our attention through an incredible collection of performers. No one could make monstrous immorality look as appealing or as fun as Sid Haig. Even when he’s torturing the hapless, he looks like he’s having a good ol’ time. Watching the Fireflys butcher their way through the state of Texas is made all the more palatable when their slicing through the meat of such condescending, snooty city slickers. No one deserves to be crushed, crumpled, and mangled into a Fiji Mermaid, but you’re certainly not crying when Bill (Rainn Wilson) meets his taxidermied destiny, or when Jerry (Chris Hardwick) gets splayed on Dr. Satan’s operating table. These boobs stumbled into a realm they couldn’t possibly understand but refused to lower their noses even before their psychotic hosts revealed their dark nature. Maybe kindness and empathy would have gotten them through the day…uh….probably not, but assholes never have a chance. Don’t be an asshole! (Brad Gullickson)
4. Eden Lake (2008)
Critics of this movie have accused it of being prejudiced against Britain’s working class youth, as the villains are disenfranchised teenagers who represent what is known in the United Kingdom as ‘Chav culture.’ They perform horrible atrocities against a pair of middle class city slickers (Kelly Reilly and Michael Fassbender), which only adds to the idea that there’s a dangerous class divide in “Broken Britain.” Regardless of the film’s agenda, the teenagers here are truly vile and impossible to sympathize with. Jack O’Connell’s performance as the gang leader Brett is pure evil and uncomfortable to watch, and his character is up there with the most effective villains of the 21st century. (Kieran Fisher)
3. House of Wax (2005)
No one deserves to be turned into a living wax figure. Wait, early 2000s teens are involved? Never mind, some people deserve to be turned into living wax figures. While the 2005 House of Wax remake doesn’t hold a candle to its 1953 predecessor (itself a remake doncha know), the revamp did bring some new junk to the table. Chief among these being the je ne sais quoi of new millennia twenty-somethings. They’re loud, beer-bottle throwing hoodlums that break into wax museums and play with horse fetuses. Don’t touch stuff that doesn’t belong to you! Don’t play with the torture instruments you stumbled across! While ultimately all these idiots are culpable of trespassing their way to an early grave, extra special dumb teen awards go to Jared Padalecki’s sticky-fingered Wade and Jon Abrahams’ voyeuristic Dalton. You’re both terrible and no tears were shed. (Meg Shields)
2. Cabin Fever (2002)
Fun fact: while making The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Peter Jackson suspended production not once, but TWICE, to show his cast and crew Cabin Fever. Finally, a man with taste! Now, that fact has nothing to do with the joy that comes from watching Cabin Fever’s obnoxious characters be dispatched one by one, but, considering my fellow Boo Crew members have yet to see the light of Eli Roth and wouldn’t let me write about his films for multiple lists, I am going to take my sweet time in praising this glorious, unsavory, and bloody masterpiece. Cabin Fever is a buck-wild, balls (and other bits of flesh) to the wall directorial debut that showcases Roth’s eye for abhorrent violence and sublime gore. When a group of loud and annoying college students embark to a cabin for spring break, they have all forms of debauchery in mind, but get more than they bargained for when they’re exposed to an infectious, skin-eating disease in the water. Roth makes the most of this premise and indulges the desire to observe flesh fall off the bone. One of most skin crawl-inducing sequences sees Cerina Vincent’s Marcy start shaving her legs, only to take off large chunks of her skin with the razor. It’s visceral, unnerving, and, in Roth’s hands, incredulously hilarious. Roth is a brazen filmmaker who has never been one to hold back, and in his insufferable characters and his masterful direction, we find perfect victims and — even better — perfect ways of watching them bite the big one. (Anna Swanson)
1. Carrie (1976)
Teens (or even “teens”) in horror movies are typically characters designed to die, and while we don’t want the protagonists to bite it we’re typically cheering loudly when hormonal dicks, bitchy mean girls, and bullies in general breathe their last breath. Carrie is a fantastic example of this phenomenon as the young dipshits terrorizing poor Carrie White all beg to be offed. Sure, it’s unfortunate that so many of their classmates have to perish in the fire too, but high school is hell and they’re gonna get burned either way. (Rob Hunter)
Stop acting so immature and read more entries in our 31 Days of Horror Lists!
Related Topics: 31 Days of Horror Lists
