This article is part of our ongoing series, 31 Days of Horror Lists.
Teenagers are obnoxious at the best of times, but in horror movies, they truly are insufferable twats who deserve to die. For the most part, all they want to do is party, bump uglies, and disrupt the peace. And while there’s nothing wrong with any of that stuff in theory, horror movie teenagers have a tendency to disrespect their elders and their peers while they’re doing it. That’s not cool.
Most of you will agree that there’s nothing more satisfying than seeing fictional young people being hacked up and denied the opportunity to mature into functioning adults. We here at the Boo Crew — Chris Coffel, Valerie Ettenhofer, Anna Swanson, Brad Gullickson, Rob Hunter, Meg Shields, Jacob Trussell and yours truly — love nothing more than watching horror movie teenagers exit this mortal realm, which is why we’ve put out this list of great movies featuring some of most obnoxious teens in the history of cinema. Maybe this will make us look like cranky old farts, and maybe we are — so get off of our lawns and enjoy the list.
10. Slaughter High (1986)
When it comes to high school pranks gone wrong, it’s hard to top the inciting incident of Slaughter High. After being tricked into a sexual tryst in a locker-room stall, nerdy Marty (Simon Scuddamore) is body-shamed and bullied by a group of teens resulting in him being disfigured by acid. Years later the high school alumnus are duped into returning to the scene of the crime under the guise of a class reunion just so they can be picked off one by one by a killer in a jester mask. While there is no mystery as to who the killer is, there is also no reason for us to side with these disposable adults. They deserve the fate they have coming to them because holy shit they are still just as awful as they were in high school. All of this doesn’t make Slaughter High a necessarily “fun” watch, but it did give us two of the greatest horror movie posters ever made. Parents: teach your kids not to be bullies, because otherwise they’ll be elaborately murdered years later by a dude dressed as a medieval entertainer. (Jacob Trussell)
9. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
I don’t mean to pick on Franklin (Paul A. Partain). I really don’t. He’s had a rough go of it, I understand that. And his sister and friends aren’t that nice to him. But we can all agree that he’s kind of annoying right? For starters he just lets the hitchhiker take his pocket knife. And then later he brings up the swimming-hole which leads to the discovery of the Sawyer family house and well, you know the rest. It’s possible Franklin had it coming and his friends just got caught up in the crossfire. (Chris Coffel)
8. Black Christmas (2006)
First off, I want to state for the record that I, along with list author Kieran Fisher, am firmly pro-Glen Morgan’s Black Christmas remake. Is it good redo of the 1974 classic? Not necessarily. Does it bring something new to the table — namely, a jaundiced, attic-bound backstory and Christmas cookies made out of PEOPLE?! Yes! There’s also a whole slew of revamped sorority characters who make strong impressions, for better or worse. Heather (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), Dana (Lacey Chabert), and Lauren (Crystal Lowe) are the worst offenders, each of them being some level of catty, inconsiderate, or obnoxious. Each dies a splendidly gruesome death at the hands of an escaped convict and his secret associate, who switch things up by gouging out one’s eyes, stabbing another with a garden claw, and doing some ambiguous blood-splattering thing to the third. Bonus points: terrible boyfriend Kyle (Oliver Hudson), who non-consensually makes sex tapes of his conquests and is definitely the worst of everyone, also bites the dust. Here’s looking forward to Sophia Takal’s upcoming Black Christmas remake, which seems poised to give us sorority sisters we can root for! (Valerie Ettenhofer)
7. Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
Teens in horror movies have always kind of deserved to die. Even the would-be heroes are often annoying. It’s partly why the villains have always been the stars. It’s easy to root for killers when everyone sucks. This was particularly true in the late ’90s, leading into the early 2000s and there is no better example than Freddy vs Jason. All the kids in this movie suck but none suck more than Jason Mewes rip-off played by Kyle Labine. Stoner characters are almost always bad, but this one reeks of pure laziness. Allegedly he was written with more depth in the original script, but that’s irrelevant because this is what we got. If I could have one character brought back to life from either one of these franchises only to be killed again, I would choose this dude because one death just isn’t enough. (Chris Coffel)
6. Friday the 13th (2009)
The original Friday the 13th helped popularize the trend of obnoxious teenagers being brutalized in slasher movies. However, the entertaining remake upped the ante by making its teenage characters more deserving of death. This is a terrible bunch as a whole, but my ax to grind is with Trent (Travis Van Winkle), a fuckboy who makes sex tapes and accidentally shoots his conquests because he doesn’t have the testicular fortitude to open doors and check to see who’s behind them. Jason sticking his machete into this doofus and impaling him on a truck afterward is very satisfying. Also, give Rob’s ranking of the entire franchise a read. (Kieran Fisher)
Related Topics: 31 Days of Horror Lists