This article was co-written with Meg Shields
All things considered, the season 8 premiere was a rather pleasant, happy affair. There were reunions galore: Jon and Arya compared swords, Sansa and Tyrion caught up, Bran waited outside for like three days to make sure he was first in line to greet his old pal Jaime. Things got heated in Winterfell’s forge with some serious flirting between Arya and Gendry. Theon rescued Yara from Euron with less hassle than going through a TSA checkpoint. Sure, poor little Ned Umber got wreckt, but honestly did you even remember he existed before this episode? All this to say that in classic Game of Thrones premiere fashion, “Winterfell” had very strong “calm before the storm” vibes. So we hope you enjoyed that because the night is dark and full of terrors and it’s fucking dusk, people. We’ve seen the silver lining and now we’ve got the storm cloud, so fasten your seatbelts because it’s going to be a bumpy night indeed.
Some of our predictions from our season-wide sweep have already come true. Jon rode his dad’s namesake Rhaegal, Gendry is the point person for smithing dragon glass, and, as mentioned earlier, he’s also making his dad’s ghost pretty proud by romancing a Stark. We don’t claim to have Bran’s…whatever Bran has, but we have a pretty good idea of how this cookie might crumble.
Join us as we completely ruin horses for you, and take a stab at what’s on the horizon for the upcoming episodes of the final season of Game of Thrones.
THE NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF SPOILERS IF WE’VE DONE OUR JOBS WELL.
ALL EYES ON WINTERFELL
Jaime’s ass will be saved by impending doom.
Based on the sneak preview for episode 2, things don’t look great for Jaime—which is, admittedly, not surprising, considering the whole “Kingslaying Daenerys’ dad” thing. But we don’t think he’s going to get roasted Tarly-style; at least, not yet. Here’s why: the preview for Episode 2 shows Tormund, Edd, and Beric at Winterfell, and indicates they spread the word about what happened at Last Hearth. And when Jon and Daenerys realize the Battle for the Dawn is real fucking nigh, they just might be convinced to reprioritize, and do things like not kill a living man willing and able to hold a sword when they are already facing terrible odds against the army of the dead. Of course, if this is how the situation plays out it means Jaime only has to survive the Night King’s army (and then also Daenerys). Easy peasy.
Jaime is going to push Bran in his wheelchair.
This probably won’t happen but could you imagine.
Jon will probably get pissed off that Daenerys killed Sam’s family
Sure Jon is all in for “sometimes monarchs have to execute douchebags,” but Sam’s got those puppy eyes and that earnest tenor and you just know Jon’s going to hold Daenerys’ itchy trigger/”Dracarys” finger against her. Which isn’t going to help their diplomatic relations when…
Daenerys will probably get pissed off that Jon has more of a right to the throne than her
They gon fight. Now that “Jon Snow’ died in the Stark crypt with the knowledge he’s hot Targaryan shit, he’s probably going to hurry off to tell Daenerys. Because listen, if nothing else, Jon is his uncle’s nephew and his good heart will absolutely compel him to share a potentially dangerous truth with someone more powerful than he. Daenerys will take the news poorly, which will put a stopper in his proclivity to bonk women in proximity to dramatic water features. Then Beric and company will show up to raise the stakes for Daenerys and Jon to settle their inter-familial differences.
Only death will stop Gendrya from happening at this point
The reunion between the former companions was not even a little bit subtle. We’ve all seen The Princess Bride, we know what “as you wish, milady” means. Unless one of them dies first (admittedly, a definite possibility), this ship is absolutely sailing. Oh, happy days. *Twirls away flirtatiously.*
Might Arya kill a dragon (and/or a dragon rider)?
Based on the sketch that she gives Gendry, Arya’s upcoming weapon appears to be a double-headed spear where one blade would be her Valyrian steel dagger and the other would be dragonglass that also can also detach and be used separately as two knives. It’s almost certainly the weapon we see her twirling in the promo. It looks absolutely badass, and we can’t wait to see more of it.
But in bigger fan theory news, Arya’s new spear has sent some speculating into what Big Bad she’s going to kill with it. You just don’t go to the trouble of inventing a new weapon unless it’s going to do something with serious plot relevance. Some on the internet are suggesting that the spear design hints that Arya might be the one to kill ice-Viserion, because spears are a traditional Dornish weapon and the Dornish were the first to kill one of the Targaryen dragons after Aegon the Conqueror and his sister-wives showed up in Westeros. Admittedly, that dragon was killed with a Scorpion, like the one Bronn used to attack Drogon before said dragon incinerated it, so the connection is a bit of a stretch, but it is a cool thought. Others think she’ll use her new weapon to take out the Night King himself (so suck on that, Azor Ahai).
Jon gained more traction in the Azor Ahai forecast
We don’t know who the prophecized hero Azor Ahai/The Prince(ss) Who Was Promised is—or even are, potentially, considering it’s unclear whether or not the two actually refer to the same person—and, as we broke down last time, there are a whole lot of theories out there. But presuming Game of Thrones is following the traditional “Chosen One” formula, Jon and Daenerys are the most likely candidates. While they were pretty neck and neck going into the final season, with Daenerys even potentially having a slight lead, Jon learning about his parentage in the crypts of Winterfell has significantly increased Jon’s odds, as the discovery in that particular context fulfills the “wake dragons from stone” element of the Azor Ahai prophecy; the waking dragons being Jon’s “awakening” to his Targaryen identity and the stone being the statues in the crypts. Meanwhile, Daenerys’ more mercurial tendencies were on full display (see: her comments about dragons eating “whatever they want”), which does not necessarily bode very well for her being the Great Big Hero of our story.
Remember that scene of Arya running from something in the trailer?
Yeah, our spidey senses are tingling and we think there’s a non-zero chance that scene might come up in the next episode. Why? First of all, because we’re pretty sure most if not all of the trailer footage is going to end up being from the first half of the season, and we know from the episode 2 promo that the episode will feature Arya’s “death, it’s got many faces” line—and her going from “looking forward” to the experience to regretting her choice of words immensely (terrified running) seems like the sort of narrative arc that would happen over the course of one episode.
KING’S LANDING, SANS ELEPHANTS
Can Euron do math?
The answer is absolutely not. Based on their post-coital discussion, Euron is clearly not aware that Cersei’s eggo is already preggo. While admittedly the Game of Thrones timeline has gotten especially fuzzy as of late, it seems Cersei should probably be at least a few months along by now, which means if Euron falls for the “it’s yours” ploy then he’s the dumbest man in Westeros. That said, we’re still pretty certain this baby is not going to make it to the actually-getting-born stage, so this might end up being a non-issue.
Yara might murder Euron
He is very fun but he definitely deserves it. Then again, maybe Yara will let Cersei know all about Euron’s “then I’ll sail the Iron Fleet somewhere else” comment. They can share.
Bronn abandons his Cersei duties to fight for Winterfell
Bron loves money but we’re pretty sure he’s done being dicked around by his least favorite member of “that fucking family” and their fucking crossbows. Quote one Redditor: He’d do anything for gold but he won’t do that. Maybe Tyrion will cash in another “whatever she’s paying I’ll double it” chip and Bronn’ll get two more crossbows. Or one big crossbow. After all, he didn’t miss Drogon the first time around, and maybe with that practice, he’ll have better aim when it comes to Viserion.
THEON GO HOME
Theon’s going to die doing a heroism
We give him like 2 more episodes max. Our money is on him meeting some rather honorable, heroic end once he makes it back to Winterfell. And he’s absolutely gonna die at Winterfell. Honestly, the only real question left at this point is “how?” and we’re probably going to find out the answer sooner rather than later.
Yara is going to host Daenerys en-route to the War of the Two Queens
Our salty gal has a point: the Iron Isles are dead-proof, and Daenerys is going to need a pit stop en route to the Red Keep after the Winterfell shakedown. After all, she may need somewhere to collect herself after the fallout of fighting the dead (cough…aka Jon Snow dying…cough).
BERIC “VOICE LIKE SMOOTH SILK” DONDARRION AND COMPANY
What does the spiral sigil mean?
Well, it doesn’t mean “we come in peace,” that’s for sure. There are Subreddit whispers that the dead enjoy vortices because the Children of the Forest did, and a perverted form of their love of geometric spirals carried through to their undead weapon. Others have commented that the spirals seem to have some resemblance to the Targaryen sigil, and that that will end up being significant in some way, but in what way exactly remains unclear.
THE REST
Next week is episode number 69 (nice) and there is gonna be a sex scene
As in a proper sex scene between two actual characters with names and stuff. Not filler to set up some plot development (see: Bronn and his pox women). It’s just too good an opportunity to pass up. So, who’s gonna bang? Well, our money’s on Brienne and Jaime. Stay with us: the “Jaime sees Bran” parallel between “Winterfell” and the series premiere underline just how much Jaime’s character has changed since we first met him. And, since the very beginning, one of Jaime’s defining characteristics has been his devotion to Cersei. In seasons past, there have been multiple occasions where Jaime has brought up having never slept with any other woman but Cersei and that exclusive devotion is a fundamental component of who Jaime Lannister was—but is no longer.
Nothing would go further to prove Jaime’s total 180 than for him to have sex with someone who is not Cersei, and there’s been a lot hinting towards him and Brienne. Also, we feel there’s a good chance Jaime’s headed for a tragic hero’s death, so presenting the possibility of him actually having a chance of a happy future before any future is taken away from him would be a great way to make that outcome even more painful. All things considered, we think their relationship is very likely, even if it doesn’t happen next episode. But also, it’s episode 69. There should be a sex scene that’s a big fucking deal (high five), and Brienne and Jamie bonking would be a big fucking deal.
More reunions will happen
There are like two degrees of separation, max, between any two given characters at this point in the show. So, considering everyone left alive is converging on one of two locations—King’s Landing or Winterfell—all reunions and meetings that can happen pretty much will happen. The season premiere got many of the most highly anticipated ones out of the way (read: Jon and Arya), but there are plenty important meetings left that haven’t happened yet, including a number of which are due to happen soon.
Here’s our forecast for the meetings/reunions most likely to appear in episode 2:
- Tormund and Brienne: Their children would be monsters who conquer the world, and Tormund totally ships it. Brienne’s feelings on the matter are unclear. But on his side, the forecast is definitely heart-eyes with 100% chance of flirting.
- Jaime and everyone at Winterfell: From the preview, Daenerys is made aware of the Kingslayer’s arrival, as are all of the Starks, because it’s Winterfell. However, other interactions not shown in the promo that will almost certainly feature in the episode include Jaime/Tyrion and Jaime/Brienne.
- Jorah and Lyanna: The last surviving Mormonts are both in Winterfell. Considering Jorah was disowned by his family for getting involved in slave trading and Lyanna is a force to be reckoned with amongst the Northern leadership, this is an important meeting that really needs to happen. Sooner rather than later.
- Former Crow Bros: Edd reunites with Jon and Sam. Apologizes for accidentally knocking down the Wall while they were gone, but points out Jon totally jinxed the situation when he joked about that happening in the first place.
Where the fuck is Ghost?
We don’t know, dude. And we’re not getting any elephants either, and the giant ice spiders are still MIA… it really does feel like this show has forgotten about every animal that isn’t a dragon or a horse. It’s tragic, really.
There is no proof that Varys isn’t a merman
None at all.