Foolish Mortals Can’t Stop Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll

When our friends at Slashfilm posted the story about legendarily-bad director Uwe Boll quitting the film industry for good if a petition garnered one million signatures, I found myself foolishly hopeful for about five minutes.

Then I realized that there was no way it was going to work.

Leaving aside the fact that there’s no central agency verifying these online signatures and the fact that it will never get one million of them, I think it’s ridiculous to assume that Boll would keep his word. Yet again, he’s schemed his way into the news cycle with a publicity stunt. Is it less self-effacing than allowing critics to box him in the ring? Probably, but it gives movie fans a semblance of power. But it won’t actually work.

I’ll turn to my old friend math to do my arguing for me: one million signatures will come from (theoretically) one million people who will not shell out ten dollars at the box office for a Uwe Boll monstrosity. That’s $10 million bucks that he won’t be making. From Bloodrayne to In the Name of the King, Boll films have grossed more than $22 million in the US of A alone. And he’s got five abortions in the chute, meaning that even if one million people stand up against Boll, he’ll still be commercially viable.

And what other reason does he have for making movies? It’s clear he’s not in it for the art, people.

So go ahead. Sign the petition. But know that Boll won’t rest until he’s burned the eyes out of every movie fan and embittered every critic out there.

And I’ll put my money where my mouth is.

If one million signatures are gathered, and Uwe Boll quits directing movies for good, I hereby swear that I will watch every Boll film back-to-back without commercial interruption or the aid of sweet, sweet alcohol. That’s right. I’ll see all 28 hours of Boll excrement consecutively until I finish them all or go blind in the process. And I’ll do it sober.

For the only time in my life, I imagine I’ll be hoping to go blind. FSR will keep you updated on the signature count and Boll’s reactions as they develop. Stay tuned for my ultimate demise.