If we could bring any one of these fictional space commanders to life, President Trump’s big dumb idea might be awesome.
Wars will soon be fought in space. At least they will be according to President of the United States and sex scandal extraordinaire Donald John Trump, who recently recognized that the entire universe is a potential war zone waiting to happen.
During a speech he gave to Marine Corps Air Station Miramar in San Diego, the president unveiled his grand plans to create a “Space Force”, possibly named after this forgotten 1978 television movie of the same name starring Fred Willard.
“My new national strategy for space recognizes that space is a war-fighting domain, just like the land air and sea. We may even have a Space Force,” said the actual appointed leader of the Free World.
He continued, “We’re doing a tremendous amount of work in space, […], maybe we need a new force. We’ll call it the Space Force.”
A few years ago this would have been an article by The Onion. In 2018, it’s just another day in Trumpland.
That said, science fiction has been predicting battles beyond the stars for more than a minute now. It was only a matter of time before they became a reality. And, besides, who is more fitting than Trump to initiate an intergalactic catastrophe?
In his mind, this is probably exciting. Real life will soon mirror space operas. Donald Trump, Protector of the Galaxy will be carved on his gravestone. Secret missions will have cool titles like “Bigly Trouble in Ursa Minor” and we’ll learn all about them through his Twitter feed. The seeds have been planted and we’re witnessing history in the making, folks.
With this in mind, it got me thinking about commanders who could lead Space Force. But since pop culture is the only reference I have for something this like this, it’s all I could turn to while pondering who could lead such a regime from the trenches in the stars.
Since Trump will be on earth playing golf, I doubt he’ll have the time to do it himself.
Johnny Rico (Starship Troopers)
Who Is He? When the young infantryman joined the Federation to fight the good war on insects in Paul Verhoeven’s sci-fi actioner, all he wanted to do was impress his girl. When that didn’t work out, he ascended the military ranks faster than a speeding bullet and the rest is history.
Why Should He Command Trump’s Space Force? Rico, for all his admirable traits like bravery and valor, is a slave to his regime. As Trump has shown numerous times, he doesn’t like people who don’t have his interests at heart. Rico has occasionally acted on his gut instincts, but it’s always been with the Federation’s best interests in mind.
Captain Kirk (Star Trek)
Who Is He? The womanizing captain of the starship USS Enterprise, James T. Kirk led a crew of space voyagers as they explored new worlds where no man (or woman) had been before. He’s also very smart and diplomatic, which is important when representing humanity’s best interests among aliens and whatnot.
Why Should He Command Trump’s Space Force? While the themes of equality and inclusion that the original Star Trek promoted don’t correspond with the mindset of the Trump administration, few captains are a better fit for the job than Kirk. He has the experience and a solid track record of making tough calls. Some Trekkies would argue that Picard is better, but he sounds like a foreigner and that’s never going to fly with the POTUS.
Jason Nesmith (Galaxy Quest)
Who Is He? The star of a cult space opera TV show in which he played the captain of a spaceship called the NSEA Protector, Nesmith found himself hanging out at sci-fi conventions until he and his old show comrades were tasked with saving the universe.
Why Should He Command Trump’s Space Force? Much like Nesmith, Trump was a big TV personality who somehow found himself tasked with the huge responsibility when he became president. Both men also love attention and would probably get along quite well. In an age where the intersection between celebrity and those holding real power with real ramifications is more blurred than ever before, Nesmith is the perfect candidate to command Space Force.
Who Is She? Although she wasn’t the first woman to boss a Starfleet in the Federation, she was undoubtedly the most impressive. For seven straight seasons, Janeway led her Voyager crew through space through the good and the bad.
Why Should She Command Trump’s Space Force? First and foremost, she’d never get the job in a million years. Her sympathy for alien refugees and other admirable characteristics would be a sign of weakness in The Donald’s eyes. But if Trump wants to be sensible and bolster relations with the rest of the universe, it’d be wise to appoint someone with intelligence, empathy, and strong leadership skills.
Benjamin Sisko (Deep Space Nine)
Who Is He? The commanding officer of the Starfleet Deep Space Nine, Sisko was also the first black person to attain the rank and he went on to become one of the most respected figures in the entire Federation.
Why Should He Command Trump’s Space Force? Sisko is a tough dude who understands the ugliness of war and loss more than anyone. He lost family and friends and still got the job done. Given that Trump is probably 100% serious about fighting wars in space down the line, he could do a lot worse than appoint someone who’s felt its punishing wrath and persevered. Still, as we all know, appointing suitable people in positions of power has never been Trump’s strongest trait.
Phasma (Star Wars)
Who Is She? She’s the badass Captain of the First Order who served alongside evil bastards like Kylo Ren and General Hux. If she had their power and rank the Rebels could have been toast. Unfortunately, we never got to see her get the big promotion she deserved, but there’s no denying that her star shone brightly.
Why Should She Command Trump’s Space Force? Phasma is ruthless and commands respect. If Space Force wants to rule over the galaxy with an iron fist and make its presence felt, few would thrive in the role better than this cold-hearted warrior. She’s also obedient to her higher-ups and has no problem committing atrocities on their behalf. Under her command, Space Force would be a feared entity, rather than the laughing stock it’s been since Trump’s big announcement.