Boiling Point: Wonder Woman Sucks, That’s Why

Boiling Point

Sorry Wonder Woman fans, but the patriotically clad superheroine won’t be coming to television screens anytime soon, at least not on NBC. Considering how all the other networks passed on the project from the start, I’m not sure there’s any network left for it, unless the CW wanted to weaken its line-up. Zing.

As nerds on the internet, it is our job to question why this show was canceled. After all, we love comics and we love TV, so there you go. After many seconds of deep, introspective thought, I figured out why Wonder Woman won’t be appearing on any screen in the near future.

Wonder Woman sucks, that’s why.

Now before all you broads get your pantyliners in a twist and burn the apple pie in the oven, chill out. Also, that bit of sexism is brought to you by Sense of Humor Brand Jokes – encouraging you to relax since 1983.

Somewhat more seriously, let’s take a look at Wonder Woman, at least the most traditional version of her. She’s a creation of pure fantasy, more Superman than Batman. No one is going to hit the iron and turn themselves into a flying Amazonian Princess. An Amazonian Princess that seemingly wears an American flag for a one-piece bathing suit. Granted that’s a slight stretch, but it’d be hard to argue many of us don’t get the urge to salute her shorts.

In terms of weaponry, she’s lacking in the Earth shattering punching power of Superman and her tool belt doesn’t have nearly the number of gizmos of Batman, considering she has none. In fact, I’m not quite certain she wears a belt. It’s more of a golden… thing. Anyway, instead of web shooters, she’s got really sturdy bracelets and a lasso that forces you to tell the truth.

Speaking of lassos, do you want to know what her weakness is, or at least was? Bondage. Often held up as a feminist hero, you’d thinking a sexy babe jumping around in skimpy clothes would have a different weakness other than being tied up by men. Maybe bras or inequality in the workplace. Snore.

Three hundred and fifty words into why Wonder Woman isn’t all that interesting and I still haven’t mentioned her invisible jet. Because that’s awesome. In a comic book. Just kidding, that’s not awesome anywhere, except maybe in your dreams. In any reality, an invisible jet is just stupid.

Admittedly, these are all just silly little things, but think about Wonder Woman for a moment. Who is her iconic villain? She doesn’t have a Joker, Lex Luthor, Red Skull, Green Goblin, or Magneto. What is her iconic story? She’s never had her back broken, her nearest and dearest kidnapped by her greatest enemy, or really any super engaging storyline that wasn’t explicitly tied to either a gigantic cross-over event or other major DC characters. There’s just not that much compelling about her.

There is a lot of weird shit you can get away with in a comic book. All of the stupid stuff, from truth lassos to invisible jets, that can fly on the page, especially when viewed through the lens of “this was created 60 years ago.” Sure, Wonder Woman has been updated somewhat, but as a classic character you can’t stray too far without alienating her fanbase, so she’s still a bit naive in terms of today’s heroes. When she came about, it was great – a strong female character. Sure, the bondage thing was weird and somewhat sexist (and totally sexy), but she’s a dated character. It’s fine to have a soft-spot for her as a trailblazing character, but what does she offer us today? Not much, really.

How do you make Wonder Woman interesting today? You can’t really give her the Batman treatment: she’s not a human, and she can in no way be grounded in the real world. The character most analogous to her would be Thor – and Thor was a damn hard sell on the screen. I think Marvel managed to do pretty well with him, but there are certain characters that just don’t fit well when it comes to live action and Wonder Woman is one of them.

Hollywood has been trying to bring Wonder Woman back to any screen for years. Dozens of talented people have tried and failed. Making Wonder Woman relevant to the modern day would require changing her so much she’d no longer be Wonder Woman. Making a movie true to the comic would be too silly. At least a live action one. Wonder Woman can have a great career in cartoons and on the comic, but I just don’t think she’s fit for the real world.

Maybe it’s just me, but I think Hollywood just needs to take a breather on Wonder Woman for awhile. And by for awhile, I mean potentially forever. Maybe one day someone will knock it out of the park, but really she’s a kind of boring character with a respected lineage that is far too innocent to be engaging. If any studio can bring a character like this to the screen, it’s The Asylum and it can be laughably, terribly bad and campy. While I’m not exactly pants shittingly enraged, right now talk of Wonder Woman in any live action facet pushes me past my boiling point. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to go whack it to Wonder Woman porn.

Untie yourself and read more Boiling Point