A Brutally Honest Razzie Ballot

Robert De Niro’s “turn will come around again,” while it’s definitely Gerard Butler’s year and Megan Fox could get an award just for showing up.

Saturday is the biggest night in show business that day, with the commencement of the annual Razzie Awards, the coveted celebration of the very worst Hollywood has to offer. In the past, such luminaries as Halle Berry and Sandra Bullock have shown up to accept in person, underscoring exactly how valued the… statue(?) (Is it a statue? I really can’t be bothered to research these things) is among the kings and queens of Tinseltown.

We spoke to one anonymous Razzie voter about who’d be going home with “The Raz” if they had their way.

Worst Picture

It’s all politics. You can’t convince me that any of the six nominated films is worse than The Huntsman: Winter’s War. Maybe voters thought Universal was trying too hard? I dunno. Maybe it was too blatantly Razzie bait. I take my obligation to see all eligible films very seriously, though most of my colleagues don’t share that level of commitment. The only film I bailed on early was Everybody Wants Some. Dreadfully boring, no plot. At 45 minutes in I still didn’t know what I was watching. But since I didn’t see it, I couldn’t vote for it even if it was nominated.

But if I must pick from this list, I’m throwing out Zoolander № 2 right away. Ben Stiller once let me go ahead of him at a valet stand, so I know he’s not THAT bad a guy. Gods of Egypt was bad, and racially insensitive to boot, but I know no one saw it and I want to vote for the winner. Dinesh D’Souza’s Hillary’s America? D’On’t! That had more imagination to it than Swiss Army Man. Dirty Grandpa is bad, but it’ll never win.

So that leaves Batman v. Superman and Independence Day: Resurgence. BvS just gets beat up by all the biased Marvel fanboys. The only reason they like Guardians is because it’s fun! BvS doesn’t pander by being “entertaining” or “fast-moving” or “carefully focused.” It’s about REAL issues, REAL things. It doesn’t suck up to the audience by making its characters likable and the environment poppy and bright. By elimination, this is an easy choice. Who makes a sequel to a twenty year-old movie and doesn’t bring back the most charismatic actor? The guy whose entire career was launched here? (Harry Connick, Jr.)

My vote: Independence Day: Resurgence

Worst Actor

Henry Cavill? I think his CG stand-in logged more screentime than him, so he doesn’t belong here even before we debate the merits of his inclusion. Ben Affleck was not only the best Batman ever but in any instance where his depiction doesn’t match the comics, the comics should bend to him! Dinesh D’Souza is playing himself, so though he’s a repellent turd, he has an unfair advantage in that it comes naturally to him. I already told you why I can’t vote for Ben Stiller.

Robert De Niro is probably the obvious choice, but his turn will come around again. Trust me, there’ll be plenty of times for the Razzies to honor the body of his career. Gerard Butler’s up for two films, so I don’t think there’s any point in arguing it’s not his year.

My vote: Gerard Butler

Worst Actress

Julia Roberts did her film as a favor. As someone who eventually will make a short film, I don’t want to discourage that practice, no matter how bad the material. If Tyler Perry wins, he’s gonna definitely make a political speech and I want no part of that. No one’s heard of Becky Turner, so what’s the fun in that? Shailene Woodley is genuinely terrible. Just watch a few minutes of that ABC Family show she used to do. But is she Razzie-bad?

It’s between Naomi Watts and Megan Fox, and frankly, Megan seems like the type to show up if she wins. Maybe I’ll get to take her drink order.

My vote: Megan Fox.

Worst Supporting Actress

It’s virtually a six-way tie for me, but an Independence Day: Resurgence sweep could make this Sela Ward’s night.

My vote: Sela Ward.

Worst Supporting Actor

Nic Cage doesn’t know the MEANING of “worst acting.” Amazingly Johnny Depp has only won this once, but Alice Through the Looking Glass is still better work than his earlier nominations. Will Ferrell and Owen Wilson are both up for the untouchable Zoolander. God, I hated Jesse Eisenberg on that TV show he had with Anne Hathaway, so I guess I —

Wait. Jared Leto’s nominated?

My vote: Jared Leto.

Worst Director

Dinesh D’Souza and Bruce Schooley / Hillary’s America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party
Roland Emmerich / Independence Day: Resurgence
Tyler Perry / BOO! A Medea Halloween
Alex Proyas / Gods of Egypt
Zack Snyder / Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Ben Stiller / Zoolander №2

My vote: Dinesh D’Sousa, by virtue of the fact that voting for him is the safe play for my future career in Hollywood, especially among this year’s bunch.

Worst Screenplay

I’ve written a screenplay and I’ve read several screenplays for free, so this is really MY category. Batman v. Superman is better than every Marvel script, especially Deadpool and Guardians. Dirty Grandpa is bad, but it’s trying too hard to be bad. There’s a ceiling on its achievements. I challenge you to prove Hillary’s America wasn’t made up as they were filming it. No way was there a screenplay. Independence Day: Resurgence is a contender, but cheats by ripping off other bad films. It’s not “Worst Screenplay” with distinctions of its own. Dirty Grandpa managed to be terrible AND get De Niro to sign on, which in any other circumstance would be Razzie gold. However, I read Gods of Egypt as an intern and the writer was a real dick about my notes, so he’s the one going home with Razzie on show night.

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