Now that hackers have dumped information from the website Ashley Madison on the dark web (now searchable on the regular web), you may be dying to find out if anyone you know is or was using the cheater-encouraging networking service to have an affair or seek one. With data on 32 million users, there is a fair chance of seeing a familiar name in the bunch.
Given that we’re mostly familiar with fictional people here at FSR, we wondered which movie characters we might find on the list of names, if Ashley Madison was a thing that existed in those characters’ on-screen worlds. Provided some of those worlds could anachronistically have the internet.
Cinergi Pictures Entertainment, Inc.
Hester Prynne (The Scarlet Letter)
Of course they had the web back in early Colonial America, but it wasn’t popular because the Puritans found it to be ungodly, maybe even the work of witchcraft (wi-fi was definitely deemed sorcery). But what’s a woman to do when her husband is taking his time meeting her in the New World and then presumably is killed when he finally does make the trip? According to her profile, Prynne is just looking for any new lover to fill in, but she has a thing for religious guys.
Universal Studios Home Entertainment
Phyllis Dietrichson (Double Indemnity)
It’s not unusual to specify the occupation of the partner you’re seeking, is it? Maybe she’s being too specific, but in her profile it says she’s looking for an insurance salesman. Actually, it has to be someone from the exact insurance company her husband’s life policy is with. That might seem too obviously implicit that she wants to murder her hubby, but all she had to do was put up a profile photo of herself wearing only a towel and the prospective accomplices – er, suitors – filling her inbox are aplenty.
Mrs. Robinson (The Graduate)
Just imagine how many more millions of users Ashley Madison would have had in the 1960s (Don Draper would have had a few profiles for different interests). Mrs. Robinson would be on there, seeking young men just out of college. Preferably also in a serious relationship. Maybe in a relationship with her own daughter. But she gets more pleasure seducing the guys, so going through the formalities of a dating service doesn’t always do the trick.
Dan Gallagher (Fatal Attraction)
He would like to stress that he’s merely looking for a little fling. It says it right there in his profile. Don’t try for a second date. Don’t show up to his office with opera tickets. Don’t interact with his wife. Don’t boil his bunny.
MCA/Universal Home Video
Flipper Purify (Jungle Fever)
He’s a happily married “buppie,” but he’s always been curious about “caucasian” women. He checked off the “fetishes” box under preferences, assuming “jungle fever” is included, though he also noted that he’s specifically looking for a white partner. He also made sure to check the “likes to give oral sex” box, because he heard there’s a stereotype about black guys not being down with going down on the ladies. He uses his real name, but most of his dates think he made it up for anonymity. Because how is that a name?
Suzanne Stone (To Die For)
She’s not just looking for sex, but apparently there are no boxes to fill out on the site specifying interest in teenage boys who will help her out at work and also maybe murder her husband. So, sex is fine, whatever is necessary to get ahead. For what turns her on, she lied and checked “bad boy” and “hopeless romantic” in the hopes of finding the perfect sucker.
Dr. Bill Harford (Eyes Wide Shut)
After his wife told him she was on Ashley Madison but never acted on her curiosity, he signed up for his own profile on the site. He wasn’t even sure he’d have an affair or what kind he would have if he did. He checked every single box regarding his preferences and ideal partner. Then he put up a profile picture of himself wearing a mask. After a few nights of considering the many responses he received, he closed his account. He’s not worried about the leak, though, because he told his wife everything.
Bess McNeill (Breaking the Waves)
Very uncommon, her profile was set up by her own husband, Jan. He was in a terrible accident that’s made him unable to have sex, so he’s urged her to take lovers. The site seems to be the safer option rather than letting her hang out by the docks and offer herself to any sailor who wants her. He makes a note that she’s a submissive type but please nothing too rough.
New Line Cinema
Sarah Pierce and Brad Adamson (Little Children)
These suburban strangers are both on the site. Sarah is looking for an athletic guy to take care of her needs unfilled by her porn-addicted husband (who is on here, too, but just seeking used panties). Brad is just looking for someone who won’t judge him for not wanting to be a lawyer, as does his domineering wife (who is on here, too, but just seeking subjects for a documentary she’s doing on the site). They will easily make a connection and plan a playdate for their children. And for themselves.
New Line Productions, Inc.
Rick Mills (Hall Pass)
His wife gives him a “Hall Pass” to have sex with other women, for just one week while she is away. Had he been expected to find these women in his real, everyday life, he would have taken too long and eventually realized that he loves his wife too much to cheat, even with permission. Thanks to Ashley Madison, though, he finds a hook up on the first night and then another the second night and so on, and it doesn’t end after the week is up, either.
Helen Truby (Men Women Children)
She literally uses Ashley Madison in the movie. It’s not even a fictionalized site meant to be Ashely Madison. She makes a profile at work, gets a message for a date, tells her husband she’s going to her sister’s and instead meets the guy at a bar. Easy does it. She also doesn’t need to worry about the leak, though, because her husband already found her profile and caught her.