New Trailer for The Children Is an Excellent Argument for Birth Control

Remember that classic 1980 film, The Children? A school bus carrying six kids is caught in a radioactive cloud that turns them into murderous zombies with black fingernails that burn their victims to death with the slightest touch. See what I mean by classic? Anyway, this is not a trailer for that movie.

As you can see, this is a different movie, also called The Children, and also about kids gone wild. The trailer doesn’t give much away as to the cause of the tykes’ murderous rampage, but I assume it has something to do with them being obnoxious little brats. I’ll watch the movie when it releases here next year, and I may even enjoy it, but I already have at least one problem with it.

Once the kids start attacking and killing the grown-ups they’ve lost the element of surprise, which is their only real strength. Once you know they’ve gone bad, stop being scared and running from them… and start kicking ass! They’re kids! One well-placed kick will send them flying across a room! Hold them back with one arm, and while they swing at empty air just laugh at the little bastards and diminish their self-esteem! Crush their goddamn throats with one hand while you flip through the TV channels with the other! Tell them Santa Claus isn’t real, and when their eyes fill with tears you can drown them in the toilet, slamming the seat down a few times for good measure! They’re half your size! Most of this would probably work for Chucky or other killer dolls as well.

What do you think of The Children? Are you currently practicing smart birth control?

Rob is the Chief Film Critic of Film School Rejects. He doesn't eat cheese on weekdays.

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