Coroner’s Report: Suck

Coroner's ReportIf I were to tell you about a movie featuring beautiful, pale vampires that were all glamor and rock and roll with no sex and a lack of violence, you’d have every right to put up a hand and say pass. Unless you’re a fifteen year old girl, then you’d be really excited that I’m reviewing a Twilight film. Suck superficially sounds like something for the teen crowd but if you spend more than fifteen seconds with it you’ll discover that’s about as far from the truth as it can be.

Suck manages to smartly lampoon the current fascination with vampires in their pussified forms of being beautiful, attractive monsters by creating a movie about a band that gives into their greed for fame and fortune and embrace vampirism to gain acclaim. While I personally would have liked to see a more dangerous breed of vampire at times, these rock and roll blood suckers manage humor and music in an enjoyable way.


We see about seven deaths on screen while a few more are stated as occurring off-screen. While the body count isn’t disappointing, there is very little time given to the kills – humor trumps violence here.


The first kill is the funniest – a sexy female vampire slams a straw into a guy’s neck and drinks. Nothing that follows is as funny or all that violent, but there is a good bit of blood, dismembered body parts, bites, and a slit throat.


For a movie about sexy vampires and rock and roll, there is a criminal lack of nudity and sex going on. The female lead is hot as hell as a vampire (Jessica Pare, who Mad Men fans will recognize as Megan), so that is something. But really, a rock and roll movie with no sex and little drugs? Boner-killer.


You shouldn’t sell your soul for rock and roll. Wait. Fuck that. You totally should sell your soul for rock and roll. It’s a ton more fun.


Despite the lack of nudity, Suck still manages to be a pretty sexy foray into the comical world of vampire rock and roll artists. Writing, directing, and starring wasn’t enough for Rob Stefaniuk in his second feature, so his band The Winners wrote and performed a ton of original music, most of which is pretty damn good.

It should come as little surprise then, with a band frontman writing and directing, that the movie at times feels like a music video: characters sing to the camera a time or two, things slow down or speed up to the music, and the band performances are highlighted with added motion graphics. The stylish flourishes are most visible in the first thirty minutes of the movie and are very cool, though they’re fairly sparse as the film progresses.

The style returns in transitions as the band moves from gig to gig – there are stop motion interludes of cars and plans traveling through different areas and a blood trail spreads across a map. Cool stuff.

While Suck manages to pull off the comedy-rock-&-roll-horror fusion pretty well, I’m not entirely sure it will appeal to a wide range of people. It’s best described like a music video – sure, there is a plot and story, but for the most part you just want some pretty visuals and cool music, which is there. But as a full fledged film, the movie is lacking some tension and gravitas. If you’re a music fan first, and a horror fan second, you might enjoy it more. The film features Moby, Henry Rollins, Iggy Pop, and Alice Cooper in supporting roles.

When the credits roll, Suck is funny, stylish, full of good music, and works most of the time. Definitely worth a viewing if your’e looking for some vampire action that doesn’t involve sparkles. Oh, and Chris Ratz as Hugo deserves some props – he was the funniest part.

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

Read More from Robert Fure
Get Film School Rejects in your email. All the cool kids are doing it:
Previous Article
Next Article
Reject Nation
Leave a comment
Comment Policy: No hate speech allowed. If you must argue, please debate intelligently. Comments containing selected keywords or outbound links will be put into moderation to help prevent spam. Film School Rejects reserves the right to delete comments and ban anyone who doesn't follow the rules. We also reserve the right to modify any curse words in your comments and make you look like an idiot. Thank You!