The Coroner's Report

Horror fans are often handed films from the bottom of the barrel – sometimes we eat it up, other times we realize its garbage. Even after coming up with handful after handful of garbage, some refuse is just a little too juicy to ignore. I decided to travel back in time, and across the ocean, for this installment of The Coroner’s Report, and grab something from the glory days of slashing, the 1980s. The film I selected was the French Revenge of the Living Dead Girls, which promised breasts, blood, breasts, and zombies. I was excited!

The plot tries to be fairly deep for a zombie type film, with corporate espionage, dirty dealings, and other sorts of executive business tomfoolery. A guy agrees to dump some toxic chemicals in a milk truck, thinking them to be non-fatal if swallowed, to help warn people of the dangers of the chemicals; they’ll make you sick. Instead, three women die from infected milk. In a brilliant turn of events, another man, told to dump the chemical waste far, far away, heads to the nearby cemetery where the girls are buried and dumps gallons upon gallons of toxic chemicals there. After all, it must be safe, they’re already dead! Soon, the three women are raised from the dead, following the orders of a German business woman (…) and are sort of hungry for flesh, but mostly just creep around slowly. Then a car explodes and the movie is over.

Kills

The death toll is a moderate 9, though I guess its 12 if you count the zombie girls dying twice. Most of the kills are lame, which should be obvious when a third of them are from poisoned milk. While watching the film, I couldn’t help but be alarmingly bored between deaths, which were spaced pretty far apart.

Ills

We get a heel through an eye with a little bit of blood, a drowning, someone eaten to death, and another guy is eaten to death with a slight emphasis on the zombie chicks eating his dick off. It sounds brutal, but it’s handled poorly. The best bit is probably when the three women zombies lamely sexual assault and play grab ass with a female victim, who sort of starts masturbating with a severed hand. She loses interest in the sex about the time a zombie chick sticks a sword into her vagina. No, I’m not kidding. Yes, on paper it sounds like it would be an awesome, brutal, gross scene. In execution, its kind of like bad softcore porn, but it is a scene worth watching, horror fans. Another passable, but ultimately too short and mildly disappointing scene is when a woman’s stomach decays and reveals her unborn child while blood pours out. Again, sounds great, but the scene is short and fails to live up to its potential.

Lust

Being a French film, we expect nudity, and we’re not too disappointed. We get full frontal female nudity on three occassions, which is always nice. There are a handful of boob shots, some lingerie, and some see-through lingerie. Also, there is that zombie/victim orgy. Sadly, the nudity is handled much like the blood and violence. While its there, its fairly short. The nudity was better handled than the blood, but it still wasn’t worth applauding.

Learning

Don’t drink toxic waste and most definitely do not dump toxic waste into a cemetary. I thought this was obvious by now!

Review

A promising yet ultimately disappointing example of late 80s schlock cinema from France. It may be worth checking out if you’re a fan of the genre. The acting/voice dub isn’t great, but thats part of the appeal. If there were more killings, it might have been fun in an MST3K kind of way. All the corporate back dealing doesn’t really make that much sense, nor was it that appealing. The idea of Michael Clayton being attacked and killed by lady zombies is a good one, but in execution, on a low budget, in 1987, it just isn’t going to cut it. Also, the zombies are pretty lame shit. They’re more curious than hungry, and at times just sort of observe stuff. They also climb into a pool for no reason, replace their coffin covers after getting out, kidnap and gag a woman, work doors to enter cars, and play the organ.

At the end of the day, if you ever come across this film, skip the zombie chick-sword orgy and be done with it. Otherwise there is nothing here for you, despite it almost being a fun example of exploitation cinema. Almost.


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