Zookeeper

The Worst Films of 2011

There are two things you don’t want to watch getting made – sausage and the official Film School Rejects’s year-end worst-of list. Hideous, dirty, bloody, illegal stuff; many animals die in the process (disclaimer – no animals were harmed in the making of this list). It’s a fool’s errand, a losing battle, a terrible way to dig up the past pains of the year’s biggest flops – reverse therapy for cinephiles. But damn if the results aren’t hilarious. For this year’s Worst Films of 2011 list, our own Kevin Carr and myself teamed up to pick the most wretched of the wretched, the worst of the worst, the Adam Sandler films we’re all struggling to forget. There were many emails and even more tears. I doubt we’ll ever be able to look each other in the eye again. By the time Sir Carr and I were done volleying bad films back and forth at each other via the electronic mail system like a game of cinematic badminton that absolutely no one was capable of winning (and, really, how does one win badminton?), we were far too exhausted to even attempt to number the following twenty-two films in any kind of order. No matter, they’re all bad. We’ll leave it to you, dear readers, to take to the comments to call what you think is the worst (and what we’ve, quite unforgivably, left off).

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The Reject Report

So now Harry Potter’s patronus is in the shape of a giant dump truck loaded with million dollar bills. Is there such a thing as a million dollar bill? There probably should be. And while you’re at it, go ahead and put Alan Rickman’s face on it. In J.K. Rowling we trust. Okay, I’m done with all that. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 2, the last film of the 10-year series, has demolished all kinds of box office records. After breaking advance day records with $32m in tickets sales, it went on to make $43.5m in midnight showings. It wasn’t a shock to anyone when the Friday numbers came in and Deathly Hallows 2 had beaten The Twilight Saga: New Moon‘s $72.7m opening day with its own $92.1m. But the young wizard wasn’t done there. No, satisfaction was not met at the defeat of New Moon, though we’re all pretty thankful for it. Deathly Hallows 2, and probably Warners had something to do with it, too, had its eyes set on that opening weekend. Another Warners film, The Dark Knight, was holding the #1 weekend slot for three years with its $158.4m three-day take. Now that Sunday’s numbers have come out, Deathly Hallows 2 has pretty much swept the floor with that record, too.

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Sylvester Stallone voices a lion, teaches Kevin James how to woo the likes of Leslie Bibb. Somehow, some way, Zookeeper is going to be a smash hit just like Paul Blart: Mall Cop. And by smash, I’m of course referring to the collective heads of smart people everywhere and their relationships to nearby walls. But remember, Columbia Pictures wouldn’t be making movies like this if movies like Grown Ups didn’t gross $268 million worldwide. It’s our own damn fault. As penance, lets all watch the trailer together.

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If the purpose of a teaser trailer is to bring you slightly forward in your chair, raise your eyebrow and get you interested in a film, the new teaser for Zookeeper is what it might be to see a strip tease from that lazy janitor that never empties your trash can and eats hot pockets while he buffs the floor. The voice casting is already blatantly bad. Sylvester Stallone sounds like he’s doing his best Sylvester Stallone impression, and it appears as if they’re attempting to make the animal mouths correspond with the speech to disastrous results. Mr. Ed did it better with peanut butter. Long live middling comedy. What’s the over/under on how many times Kevin James falls down in this?

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published: 11.21.2014
D
published: 11.21.2014
B+
published: 11.19.2014
C+
published: 11.19.2014
B-, C


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