Vampires Suck

The moment that Ricky Gervais secretly waits for every year is upon us. The nominations for the 31st Golden Raspberry Awards are in. The Razzies is a different kind of awards show, not one that heaps false praise on people that it doesn’t respect, but one that dishonors the worst work of the year. No, their nominees for Worst Picture aren’t quite as bad as the Golden Globe nominees for Best Picture – Comedy or Musical, but it’s still generally considered an insult to earn Razzie recognition, and God forbid you actually win. Looking over this year’s nominees has left me in a confused emotional state. The only film I’ve seen that on here is The Expendables. Does that make me a bad film fan or a smart consumer?  Can one truly appreciate the good if he hasn’t waded through most of the bad? In 2011, I solemnly vow to see more bad movies.

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The Reject Report

The Expendables topped the chart for a second weekend in a row. You can’t chalk it up to the dominating force the men involved in the film have on movie goers’ and their wallets, though. With a second weekend drop of more than 50%, it’s not exactly a day of rejoicing for fans of Sly Stallone and his crew. It’s just that everything else out this weekend performed that poorly, a true sign that we’re over and done with Summer, and it’s going to be a few month before we see any new blockbusters make their mark on the box office.

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This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr dives into Spring Break at Lake Victoria, or at least that’s how it felt in 3D. He examined how similar Piranha 3D is to Eat Pray Love because piranhas eat their prey and all the bare boobies can inspire such self love. Then Kevin is chided by an ugly Emma Thompson for misbehaving, and suddenly she becomes a hottie. Finally, Kevin tries to determine whether vampires suck or if it’s just Vampires Suck that sucks.

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The Reject Report

Thank God for Piranha 3-D. The closest we had come to the realization of this collective love had been sitting around Rejects HQ throwing Captain D’s clam strips at each other’s faces, and that Cole Abaius has a wicked throwing arm when it comes to hush puppies (Editor’s note: that never happened). Getting back to the movies, though, five new releases hit wide this weekend, and any one of them has the potential to be #1. Not that they are all surefire winners. The lot of them are actually the sort of offerings you would find in these dog days of Summer, that ditch between the highway of the Summer season and the corn fields of Fall and Winter. Even The Expendables has the potential to come out on top for a second weekend in a row, but, to do so, it has to contend with a whole slew of competitors.

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Vampires Suck

This is what I don’t understand about the works of Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, the genius writer/director team behind the last decade’s run of spoof movies — Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, Epic Movie, and the like. They aren’t focused. Some of their jokes — about one in every four — are funny. The over-arching problem with their movies is that instead of lampooning one subject, like sword and sandals movies in Meet the Spartans, they feel the need to throw in every possible pop culture reference. Thus, we get Britney Spears being tossed into the pit of despair. It’s tragically unfunny. Enter Vampires Suck, their latest sure thing. It’s a spoof of Twilight — that includes Lady Gaga. You see the disconnect here?

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published: 04.17.2014
B-
published: 04.17.2014
D+
published: 04.17.2014
B-
published: 04.16.2014
B+

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