Unnecessary Sequels

A Predator about to turn into a werewolf

Editor’s Note: As with many of our Ten and Five articles, this article does contain spoilers. Consider yourself warned. For some, Predators may be the sequel to a beloved film catalyst that they’ve been waiting for. This may be because of how beloved the original is or how absolutely atrocious the franchise became almost instantaneously, but for whatever reason, fans seem stoked to see their favorite mandible-flexing killing machines on screen again. The film is a fun one. Unfortunately it’s marred by some of the same sort of crappy issues that plagued most mindless action films of the 1980s. Call it homage, but we had presumably moved on, grown up, and learned how to make an action movie without forcing the audience to turn their brains off. In FSR’s continued commitment to numbering everything, here’s the 5 things I enjoyed about Predators and the 10 things I didn’t.


Gloria Stuart

One hundred years is quite the milestone to celebrate. Just ask Gloria Stuart who celebrated her 100th birthday on the 234th birthday of the United States. Still, it seems like it might be a strange sort of milestone to toast to when the historical event involves thousands of people drowning to death in freezing cold waters. However, the talk about Titanic 2: The 3D Reckoning seems to be more and more serious lately, and James Cameron, a man who is notorious for only talking about projects once he’s decided to do them (within the decade) has dropped April 2012 as the month he’d like to drop the sequel to 1997’s most popular film featuring Celine Dion singing.



Why anyone hasn’t looked to the Oscar-winning Top Gun as a possibility for either a reboot, a retread, a remake or a make-again (the new phrase Hollywood is using) is beyond me. Everything else from the 1980s is already being mined for its cheesy goodness, and I see no reason that the oiled-up, volleyball-playing masterpiece can’t be next on the list.



Your daily recommended allowance of random movie stuff, stories that fell through the cracks, and news you can’t use.



Fox just gave us a reason to look forward to the end of the world in 2012.



After stunning audiences with their first two films, Plaza and Balaguero are each taking on a REC film of their own.



Paramount passed on Anchorman 2 last week, and Zoolander might be struggling. Why isn’t the studio chomping at the bit?



Disney either has a crystal ball or brass buttons, because producers are already penning a sequel for Tron Legacy.



Remember that movie that everyone seems to love but hasn’t even been released yet? It’s getting a kick ass sequel.



Coming soon: Blue Steel vs. Ask Me About My Wiener. All things are possible, if you’re Justin Theroux.



With the news that Bruce Willis thinks a Die Hard 5 is on the way sooner than we all hope, it seems like the perfect opportunity to brainstorm the best possible way to drag every last damned dime out of the franchise.



Greed. Is. White-haired. And Shia Labeouf is on a motorcycle a lot.



De Niro’s potentially attached to three upcoming films… Selma from director Lee Daniels, Another Night in Suck City from director Paul Weitz, and… wait for it… a sequel to the classic 1988 buddy comedy Midnight Run.



Sometimes I feel like I’m just getting back from Wally World. I’m tired, irritable, and there’s an unseasonably high urine count in my sandwiches.  But with the news that Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo are teaming up for a Superbowl commercial, I have to wonder if we should really be saving up for a real family vacation. Don’t get me wrong. I love Superbowl commercials because 1) they are a colossal let down and 2) I’m usually watching the Puppy Bowl instead (after the NFC championship, don’t we sort of already know who’s going to win the Superbowl?), but I would much rather see that dynamic duo hit the big screen again. I know I’m usually pretty negative toward the lack of creativity that this decade will be marred by, but if we’re in for a penny, why not be in for a pound? Let’s just sequelize everything. All of it. Some possible downsides to a National Lampoon’s Vacation sequel in the here and now: National Lampoon, like the magazine that spawned it, has become one of the least funny producers of The Funny around. With John Hughes gone, who could possibly write it? Year One Some urine-soaked food for thought. What do you think?

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published: 01.30.2015
published: 01.30.2015
published: 01.29.2015
published: 01.28.2015

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