The Ring

IntroObjects

There’s probably no funnier first-world fear than thinking your stuff might come alive and try to kill you. Then again, pretty much the entire horror genre is based around exploiting ridiculous irrational fears – it’s just that some fears are a little more irrational than others. Your toaster isn’t out to get you. To celebrate that, here are some of the most innocuous, completely stupid objects that horror films have found a way to demonize (successfully even!):

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The Scariest Movie Ever

After laughing about the completely unplanned, totally-done-by-your-votes match-up between The Ring and The Thing in the Axe-Wielding Eight Round, I’d like to talk about two types of movies that didn’t make the cut. There are. of course, the 24 movies so far that have been chopped off the block by you clicking a Facebook button, but there are also a bunch of movies that didn’t get placed on the original bracket to begin with. There are two reasons that your favorite scary movie didn’t make it. One, it’s a finite list (and a small one at that). Two, we aren’t mind readers. For the most part, our bracket was conventional in honoring the classics, but we also tried to spice things up by including newer films and even a few that maybe weren’t seen by wide audiences (Session 9, you will be missed…). Today’s post will seek to celebrate some of those movies you suggested we were morons for leaving out. We’ll also run down the numbers, laugh some more about the rhyming Ring/Thing battle, and get serious about the predictions. We’re down to 8 insanely strong horror flicks, so it’s even more important to get out the vote because the margins are going to be razor blade thin. Or you can vote first and then read all this

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So, Dear Reader, you’re totally pumped to see Rock of Ages when it opens this weekend? You think it’s going to be pretty rad? Oh, that’s excellent. Good for you. Have a blast. I’m staying home because it looks like the kind of moronic twaddle that I can’t even enjoy on an ironic level. I’ll just kick back and watch me some Born on the Fourth of July because there’s only one kind of Tom Cruise I enjoy and that’s the balding, scruffy, three-sheets-to-the-wind, blubbering-like-a-toddler and lamenting-his-permanent-erectile-dysfunction kind. Hold up. Did I hear you say…Bazelli? As in Bojan Bazelli? As in one of the greatest DPs of our time? He shot Rock of Ages? Hmm. Well…I’m still not interested, although I’m sure Rock of Ages will look fantastic. Yep. I’ll just stay home, sippin’ on my jug of butterscotch schnapps and reveling in my favorite Bazelli-lensed memories. For instance, how about:

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Jump Scare

If you’re anything like me you probably would take a good psychological scarring over some dick in a mask jumping out at you any day of the week – at least when it comes to horror films. Nowadays it seems like the best is behind us when it comes to the genre, and what’s left is less a collection of disturbing concepts and more so the movie equivalent of a carnival spook house. That being said – I do like carnival spook houses – a fleeting scare is good when it’s done right. Sure, in the end these scares don’t hold a candle to say, the end of Rosemary’s Baby, but we can’t deny them either. So that’s what this list is: me sucking it up and admitting that the dick in the mask totally got me. I should tell you that I don’t wish to demerit these films for having jump scares in them; most of them have plenty of psychological scarring as well… take number ten, for example.

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Epic Movie Countdowns: Back to the Future

Yes that’s right – New Years just happened like, a week ago… counting down, people count down on New Years… that’s the point, and it’s as close as I can get to writing about something that relates to the holidays, and it’s way late. And while I first thought to do this because of the end of 2011, it actually turned out to be a fun list to think about. How do you judge the intensity of a ticking clock? It’s not always how close the characters came to zero – sometimes it’s about the process itself, getting to inevitability, fighting time. It’s rather like life, and the knowledge that being on this world is a sort of countdown. Every year is another tick of the clock, leading every one of us to the same inescapable conclusion. So uh… Happy New Year! …Here’s a list counting down countdowns.

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Studio logos are an iconography all their own, but nothing puts a grin on my face like a spiffy send-up of a traditional company emblem tailored made to gel with the film I’m about to watch. Don’t get me wrong — nothing’s going to top classics like Alfred Newman’s Fox fanfare, Jerry Goldsmith’s Universal tune or the countless other openings ingrained in our cinematic memories. But when someone takes the recognizable logo and makes it their own…well, that’s when I get giddy. For decades, movie studios have been allowing filmmakers to tinker slightly with the prestigious logos that preface every film they release. Nothing too crazy — maybe a color shift or a throwback to a retired bumper — but nothing that would tarnish their reputations. These days, most movies are free to run wild. Many stick to the time-honored traditions of their studios, but the ones that don’t feel that much more special. Regardless of a film’s quality, a great logo is like the cherry on top for most movie buffs. Here are fourteen modern variants that bring a little extra magic to the pictures they kick off:

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When the calendar page turns to October, we Rejects have only one thought: horror. To celebrate this grandest and darkest of months, we’ll cover one excellent horror film a day for the entirety of the month. That’s 31 Days of Horror and 31 Films perfect for viewing on a dark, chilly, October night. If you, like us, love horror and Halloween, give us a Hell Yeah and keep coming every day this month for a new dose of adrenaline. Synopsis: Beware unmarked video tapes. Rachel Keller (Naomi Watts) discovers this when her niece, Katie (Amber Tamblyn) is found dead in her bedroom, her face horribly distorted like something out of an Edvard Munch painting. Keller’s a journalist and her reporter’s curiosity sends her on a journey to find the cause of her niece’s death. She discovers a legend about a video tape. When viewed it leads to the death of the viewer in seven days. Her investigation becomes an increasingly bizarre search for the truth about a girl named Samara. Her journey becomes more urgent after she watches the video, and even worse when her son does.

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Paramount Pictures wants to kill you — in 3D — with yet another sequel to the imported horror franchise The Ring. Writer David Loucka, who wrote the powerhouse script for the Whoopie Goldberg vehicle Eddie, has been hired to write the thing.

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ChildrenoftheCornRemakeKruger

Apparently most remakes are unimaginative and add nothing new to the story. So says Bob Weinstein while failing to prove how the upcoming Children of the Corn remake will add anything new.

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thestrangers_wide

Making them more “The don’t really know them that well, but we did meet them once’s.”

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charles-gibson-vfx

In a pitch that sounds eerily like a 1980s Disney television movie, Charles Gibson will step behind the main lens for the first time with The Goblin.

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May Creeps Us Out

This weekend’s release of The Uninvited reminded us that men aren’t the only ones scaring us to death in thrillers and horror, so we decided to delve deeper into the history of the women that make our skin crawl.

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Cinematic Creepy Children

There is nothing creepier than small children. Except clowns. Oh, crap, what if someone makes a horror film featuring child-clowns? We’d be screwed, but until that frightful day, these are the Ten Creepiest Children in Film.

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Shutter

If you’re a fan of Americanized Asian horror films, you will find more of the same with Shutter.

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