Stretch Armstrong

Hungry Hungry Hippos

You see what happens when you buy a bunch of tickets to a movie called Transformers? Ever since Hasbro made a gabillion dollars by licensing one of their toy properties for a big screen adaptation, they’ve been trying their damnedest to get every dumb hunk of plastic you played with as a kid into the multiplexes as the latest and greatest summer blockbuster. Already we’ve gotten two Transformers sequels, an abysmal G.I. Joe movie, and a movie about a board game. The disastrous box office performance of this summer’s Battleship and the ending of some of the development deals that Hasbro had with Universal doesn’t seem to be bringing anyone to their senses when it comes to making movies about board games either. The L.A. Times has a report that Hasbro has now signed a trio of new development deals, this time with upstart production company Emmett/Furla, to make more movies based on stupid toys. First in line for development is Monopoly, a movie about that board game with the fake money you always tried to play with your brothers and sisters but never got to the end of before someone quit. Presumably this will be a story about a decrepit old man with a monocle building hotels and taking over railroads, all while bankrupting his friends and loved ones. Sounds scintillating. I hear there’s a scene where he has to go directly to jail that will have you on the edge of your seat. Also included in this dumb deal […]

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Breck Eisner to Direct Stretch Armstrong

“Stretch Armstrong was in the shape of a small well-muscled blonde man wearing a pair of underwear. Its most notable feature was that the doll could be stretched from its original size (about 15 inches) to four or five feet. However, if a tear did develop, it could be fixed with an adhesive bandage…There are still Original Stretch Armstrongs that have survived the passing of time and are remarkably preserved through sheer luck or being stored at the correct temperature…Stretch Armstrong is made of latex rubber filled with gelled corn syrup, which allows it to retain shape for a short time before shrinking to its original shape. The later 1990s figures had small beads inside them.” Of course we need a movie about this man. Of course we need to know more about his life, his origins, his dreams, his wishes. How does Stretch Armstrong feel? What is gelled corn syrup? Do the beads tickle his insides? How does he keep smiling even when his life is being pushed to the very limit? What about melting? We’ve long known that we were, for whatever reason, in for a Stretch Armstrong movie, but the project has been tossed around, discarded, and forgotten so often (much like an actual Stretch Armstrong doll) that it seemed as if it might never happen. Incorrect! Relativity Media has announced that director Breck Eisner is set to helm the film, one that will be “gritty” and filled with “life-or-death consequences.” What?

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Breck Eisner

You’d imagine it would be easier to kill a piece of rubber filled with flour, but Stretch Armstrong just will not die. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Breck Eisner (The Crazies, Sahara) is in talks to direct the feature over at Relativity. This is the next thing in a pile that Eisner’s been either attached to or considering – remakes of Flash Gordon, The Brood and Escape From New York. So, it’s either remakes (which he admittedly crushed last time) or a Hasbro toy movie on the menu for Eisner. He’s a welcome addition to the production, but this thing is still ridiculous and terrible-sounding. Even without Taylor Lautner.

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Hasbro saw dollar signs after Transformers, and they’ve gotten greedy. It’s one thing to take toy robots and convert them into movie stars, but projects like Monopoly and Ouija Board sounded too ridiculous (and non-cinematic) to make the transition. First, Universal backed out of a new Clue, then the Ouija Board movie, then Monopoly and now they’re getting out of another project born from their toymaker partnership. According to Deadline Deltino, Stretch Armstrong is dead at Universal. The project, like the flour-filled rubber toy, would have starred Taylor Lautner with Rob Letterman set to direct. Speculating on the reasons is futile and a waste of the time we could all spend celebrating. Universal may be regretting that major Hasbro deal now, but they’re wising up to the shifting needs of an audience that wants story and not plastic. The project isn’t completely done, though. It’s found a home over at Relativity Media – which is sort of sad considering the risk-taking that studio has done in the past few years. This, of course, is a risk of a different kind. It’s a formula that only appears to work these days. It’s a project that has all the elements for success, but doesn’t pass the smell test in the first place. The new press release from Relativity also doesn’t include anything about Lautner or Letterman. Looks like they’re officially done with Stretch as well. If only everyone were. Hopefully this doesn’t hurt the chances of a Happy Fun Ball movie. That […]

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The Hobbit

What is Movie News After Dark? It’s a nightly movie news collection that doesn’t usually involve so much nudity, or Dance Dance Revolution references, but Mondays are always a little special. We begin this evening with a new shot from The Hobbit, a film you may have heard about. It’s also a film that will undoubtedly be filled with little people, tall wizards, shires, middling earths and rings inscribed with “From Sauron, with love.” This one features Martin Freeman as Bilbo Baggins, standing amongst friends.

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This week, on a very special episode of Reject Radio, Derrick Comedy member, author, and screenwriter D.C. Pierson answers the tough questions. Why would Jennifer Love Hewitt insure her breasts through Allstate?

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Twilight star and all-around piece of meat Taylor Lautner has signed on to star in Universal’s upcoming toy-based film Stretch Armstrong, says Heat Vision. This 3D film will be made based on the line of Hasbro toys, and will likely make good money. Why? Because unlike his Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson, Lautner is seen as a bankable star.

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stretcharmstrong-1

Universal launches its opening toy-made film salvo with Stretch Armstrong arriving in early 2011. Should the public respond by throwing their money back?

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published: 11.21.2014
D
published: 11.21.2014
B+
published: 11.19.2014
C+
published: 11.19.2014
B-, C


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