Junkfood Cinema - Large

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; the only thing we shamelessly rip-off is the wrapper from our Arby’s Big Beef ‘n Cheddar. This is the weekly Internet movie column that shatters the crystalline standards of good taste. We lambast a bad movie and scatter the shards of its dignity across the floor. Then, like a senile geriatric rodeo clown, we scream yippee-ki-yay Mister Tucker and run barefoot over those shards, a testament to our troubling affinity for said bad movies, an affinity that does not die with ease. Have you ever noticed how good Die Hard is? If your answer is anything other than “indubitably” or “shit yeah it is,” please give me your address so I can mail you one hundred dollars…that will probably look and feel like face punches but I promise are totally dollars. If you are among those whose faces are  not currently in danger of postal pummeling, then you recognize the sheer awesomeness of John McTiernan’s violent ode to both Hitchcock’s wrong man theme and receding hairlines. For those of you who haven’t seen it, welcome to our planet and please give my regards to Lord Zoonax. It’s the story of a sweaty, tender-footed cop who goes to visit his estranged wife during a party in the tallest building in all of Die Hard. This unfortunately timed reunion occurs just before evil crime boss Severus Snape invades the party with an veritable food court of international terrorists. John McCop must sneak through air vents, eat Twinkies, […]


Oh, Jerry Warren. Duke of Schlocky Horror Films (he wasn’t prolific or notable enough to be The King). The Wild World of Batwoman is a blatant rip-off of several films and a desperate attempt to piggyback on the popularity of the Batman television series of the 60s. It makes no sense, except for the fact that Batwoman and her Batmaidens fight evil by Go Go Dancing. This method is still used in the NYPD to this day. At some point, Batmania wasn’t catching fire like it used to, so Warren changed the title to She Was a Hippy Vampire. Both trailers are included here, but no explanation for the movie’s plot could be found.


Because I hate myself, I’ve taken on the task of watching Z-grade crap for an entire day. This is supposed to prove something, I think, but at this point I don’t have the mental capacity to figure it out.


Universal and EA Games plan on dragging us down to Hell. Which circle is for executives that steal ideas again?

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published: 12.17.2014
published: 12.15.2014
published: 12.12.2014
published: 12.05.2014

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