For the dozens of people out there who love the Starz series, Spartacus, but just wish it had none of that graphic sex and violence nonsense… have I got a movie for you. Milo is just a boy when he witnesses Roman soldiers slaughter his family and his people in 62 A.D., and seventeen years later the now man-sized Milo (Kit Harington) is a slave turned gladiator known only as The Celt who entertains the empire in backwater arena brawls. The latest stop on his bloody tour is the waterside city of Pompeii, and on the way into town he shares a meet cute over a dying horse with Cassia (Emily Browning), the daughter of some high-ranking Pompeians. Unfortunately for them both, someone else has his eye on Cassia too, and to make matters worse, he’s the same man who led the slaughter of Milo’s people. Oh, and they’re also all living in the shadow of Mount Vesuvius in the days leading up to its devastating eruption. Pompeii wants to be Gladiator meets Volcano with a love story crammed in for good measure, and it succeeds to the degree that it blatantly rips off Gladiator, sets its action around an erupting volcano, and features paper-thin characters who fall in love in their first few minutes together. Director Paul W. S. Anderson‘s latest isn’t a good movie, but it’s also not so bad that it’s ironically good. So that’s unfortunate.