Leelee Sobieski

Branded Movie Review

Branded is about a cow-shaped constellation that appears to fire lightning bolts onto a marketing expert, who subsequently participates in a corporate branding war in which giant gelatinous balloon-like demon creatures fight each other for global domination. Oh, and you can only see the demons after slaughtering a red cow. Or at least that’s what I think the movie’s about; sorta, maybe. If you need to go back and re-read that monumentally first confusing sentence at least five times, if not ten, don’t fret: You’ve just replicated the experience of sitting through one of the most inexplicable films ever made. Arriving in theaters without press screenings, or advance press of any kind really, this sci-fi piece/faux-infomercial/nonsensical glop inspires a lot of questions. The most pressing: What poor SOB did co-writers/directors Jamie Bradshaw and Alexander Doulerain dupe into funding this?

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According to Anne Thompson, Roadside Attractions picked up Jamie Bradshaw‘s sci-fi thriller Branded. The film is set in a future where corporate entities have created brands which make the entire population complacent, and one man fights against them to expose the truth. Hopefully the product placement will be as hilarious as it is ironic. “The most powerful weapon on earth today is not a gun or a disease, nor is it even visible to many,” says Bradshaw. “It is Marketing.  Marketing is the power to control your desires and change your mind, and if you look closer there is something about it that is not of this earth.” It stars Ed Stoppard (Brideshead Revisited), Leelee Sobieski and Jeffrey Tambor. It sounds like a fantastic, timely concept, and for the life of me I can’t figure it out, but I really want to eat a Doritos-shell Taco Bell taco right now. Maybe this finally make people realize what a sharp, satirical masterwork Josie and the Pussycats really was. Pink is the new cross-platform pass-along rate. Or something. Also, it’s important to note that this project has nothing to with the television show Branded (which was featured in The Big Lebowski). Regardless of all that nonsense, the movie should be headed to theaters this September.

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Is it any surprise that this film wasn’t screened for any critic, anywhere in the free world? It’s not that you’d expect anything decent to come from Uwe Boll, but even I was unprepared for the level of suckage this movie produced.

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published: 04.17.2014
B-
published: 04.17.2014
D+
published: 04.17.2014
B-
published: 04.16.2014
B+

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