Kindergarten Cop

Have no fear, internet. April Fool’s Day is over, and (probably since it fell on a Sunday) the laundry list of fake casting announcements and crap development deals was relatively short. You can still check out our Print Edition of Film School Rejects, but here are a few good, bad and grotesque fakes that might need some clarification alongside a few geek products that should be real in a fair universe.

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Junkfood Cinema - Large

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; we’ve already eaten a truckload of those Dorito-shell tacos. This is the weekly (cough) bad movie column that dares never to ask why. Our taste-free taste in film runs the gamut from terrible to abysmal to Ishtar to worse. Usually the way this is constructed, and I only use that term in the same sense as one constructing a soggy gingerbread house, is that we skewer the film first, pointing out all its sundry flaws before lavishing adoration upon it in section two. This is routinely followed by a tasty (read: heart-punching) snack food item themed to the movie. But rules, like diets, were made to be broken. It is therefore with slightly less shame than usual that we present to you the various important life lessons taught to us by one of the all time great contributions to Elementary School Film Noir: Kindergarten Cop.

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It might just be the mist of the weekend still fogging up my mind, but there are a few things awfully confusing about the saggy cloud of Arnold Schwarzenegger looming over Hollywood and threatening to rain down madness once again. Precipitation references aside, the last action hero has now publicly stated that he’s going to step back into the world of acting (and anyone who claims what he does is somehow less than hasn’t seen or cried at Kindergarten Cop, and obviously can’t be trusted). It’s kind of a cool idea. Schwarzenegger has impeccable charisma, he’s a veteran at the game, and he generally picks solid projects. But there are still some head-scratching loose ends here.

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