Jason Vorhees

Since it’s number 13, and we’ve all been infected with the Horror virus around these parts, this week’s column will be bloody and terribly scary. Well, not scary exactly (though I’m sure it could give Wes Craven’s decidedly non-trouser-messing recent stuff a good run for its money), but, like, dedicated to Halloween. Next week, with it being the last column before All Hallow’s Eve, I’ll be looking at some costumes you can pick up from the world of horror movies, so this week it’s all about murderous merch. Scary swag. Ghoulish goodies. And loads of other not-funny, but pleasant alliterative phrases in the same mold…

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When I was talking with some friends a while back about how much my wife and I enjoyed Insidious (probably one of the first genuinely well-made horror films in ages), I started thinking about how they’re almost sure to greenlight a sequel any day now (still waiting on that) for some studio to run into the ground like James Wan and Leigh Whannel’s previous collaboration, the Saw series. Saw got dumber and shittier as it went on, probably due to the fact that by fourth film or so the plot was incomprehensibly stupid. What’s the point of all this again? And Jigsaw had how many apprentices now? By the end of the series, I was expecting him to have solved the financial crisis by employing the majority of Americans to set moronic traps for each other. But the thing that’s easy to forget is that the first Saw movie was actually a pretty damn good movie. It wasn’t unique by any means. It owes a lot to Dario Argento and his fellow Italian Giallo filmmakers, but that’s not the point. The point is, Wan and Whannel paid attention. They actually put forth an effort to make a film that wasn’t a remake or a sequel or a cheap knockoff. They showed their hand as far as influences go, but fuck, so does Quentin Tarantino. Hell, even Saw II and Saw III weren’t bad. So maybe that’s the secret to making a horror film that’s not ball-crushingly idiotic. Maybe it just […]

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Junkfood Cinema

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema: where every Friday is the 13th. That’s right, there is no greater evidence of your luck having run out than wasting precious moments of your life reading the junk drawer of internet movie columns. Every week I walk right under ladders to bring you the worst films I can find. But while I acknowledge their atrociousness by stepping on all their cinematic cracks, I am also aware of the rabbit’s foot of redeemable goodness they often carry with them. Like junkfood, we all know these movies are bad for us but we happily gorge our eyes on them anyway. To wit, I also offer a unsubstantial food item to hex your figure as the movie spills the salt in your brain.  Wow, I hate me as much as you do right now. This is a not-that-special occasion that comes about only once every…year or so. For in this month, the 13th day happens to fall on Friday. In honor of this coincidence of the Earth’s revolution around the sun, I thought it was time to return to Crystal Lake and once again check it with everyone’s favorite homicidal sports enthusiast: Jason Voorhees. When a franchise gets not one but two entries into the Junkfood Cinema cannon, you know it’s gotta be extra awful. Ladies and gentleman, prepare for the movie that is six times worse than the original: Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives.

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published: 11.26.2014
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published: 11.26.2014
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published: 11.21.2014
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published: 11.21.2014
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