In Regards to Your Movie


To Misters Matt Drake and Michael Bacall, I attended a screening of Project X this past week, a film for whose script you two are inescapably responsible, and wanted to congratulate you on crafting one of the single most vile, reprehensible, and culturally detrimental films in recent memory. And I’ve seen Good Burger, twice. Every critic worth his salt, or even his Splenda, knows that when you write a negative review, even one for a movie as heinous as your recent blight on multiplexes around the country, vitriol must be confined to the events unfolding on the screen. In other words, it’s been well-established that personal attacks against a filmmaker are the antithesis of proper criticism. Therefore, despite the fact that, given the events on the screen, your tenuous grasp on propriety and overall morality is reminiscent of that dastardly Manson family, I shall nevertheless do my very best to restrain myself and tear down your festering dung heap of a film based on its own absent virtues.



Shockingly, Cole Abaius wasn’t a huge fan of Leap Year and can only exorcise his demons in open letter form.



I Love You, Beth Cooper should be retitled Fuck You, Chris Columbus, but I imagine that would have given it an automatic R-rating, which might have actually given them license to make a good movie.


Cheerleaders who can't cheer. Or act.

I’m just not sure where to start. The pun-a-second dialog? The spur-of-the-moment character shifts? Something else that involves a hyphenated term?


Why did we make this movie again?

Yet another film riles me up enough to warrant sending an open letter to the people responsible. It turns out you can’t watch stereotypes whine about being gorgeously single for over two hours. Who knew?


In Regards to Twilight

This movie was so close to being fantastic that it’s even more frustrating just how cringe-worthily awful it is.


Saw V Needs more Jigsaw

You were right, makers of Saw V, I didn’t believe how it ended. Or most of the rest of it. Or that any of you are literate.


Josh Brolin and Noah Wyle in W.

Dear Oliver Stone, what the hell was that?



To Whom it May Concern: I doubt I’m the first to break it to you, but your film is only going to appeal to one group of people. According to your facts and figures, that group of people comprises 16% of the population.

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published: 01.28.2015
published: 01.28.2015
published: 01.28.2015
published: 01.27.2015

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