Gone

Kevin Carr

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr fights a battle of wits between the stuffy and overly dramatic Oscar contenders that will be buzzing through the weekend and the genre-specific schlock that is being released with no hope of winning any sort of award at all. Before hunkering down on the couch to watch Billy Crystal time warp back into the mid-90s on Sunday, Kevin skydives into the multiplex to check out Act of Valor. Then he joins a commune to be a modern hippie while watching Wanderlust. Finally, he leaves the multiplex to stalk Amanda Seyfried and her on-screen sister because he believes he’s at least as creepy as the legions of creepy guys in Gone. Oh, and that Tyler Perry movie? He skips that with a wave of the hand and a snap of the fingers. If it ain’t got Madea in it, it ain’t worth watching!

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There’s always a very certain moment when you realize you’re watching a bad film. The magic of that moment comes from the small inkling of hope you have that the bad film you’re watching will turn out to be one of those gloriously bad films that’s highly entertaining, if light on good filmmaking. Thankfully, many films fit that bill. Unfortunately, Gone is not one of them, vacillating between hilarious ineptitude and mind-numbing stupidity. The plot centers on Amanda Seyfried‘s character Jill, who has apparently crash-landed on a planet similar in appearance to Earth. Despite being populated with humanoids, none of the aliens on Earth 2 behave in any way resembling an actual human being. Jill is a young woman trying to cope with a traumatic past. She claims to have been abducted by a mysterious man and kept in a deep pit in the forest littered with human remains. She was able to escape and tell the police her story, but they found no traces of the pit nor of any foul play in her apartment and thus concluded that she was batshit crazy and had her committed to a mental institution. Jill has been living with her sister Molly and trying to readjust to the world, but everything is turned upside when Molly goes missing one night. Convinced that her sister was abducted by the same man, Jill goes to the police, only to be mocked and told there’s nothing wrong. Flummoxed, Jill takes matters into her own hands, embarking on a Scooby […]

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The Reject Report - Large

Four new movies are hitting theaters this weekend, all of them fixed with their own pros and cons. In one corner, we have Amanda Seyfried, Jennifer Aniston, and Tyler Perry. In the other corner, we have the Navy SEALs. It’s not a fair fight no matter how you look at it. All four spark with different demographics, as well, making for an interesting melting pot of genres, varying star power, and even a little bit of brand loyalty. This weekend comes down to which of these films had the best resonance with its marketing, and one of these films clearly has the edge over the others. Yes, guns and live ammunition help.

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Gone, which will be the first English language film for Brazilian director Heitor Dhalia, is the story of a survivor of a serial killer abduction who returns home from a late night job to find that her sister has gone missing. She believes the cause of the disappearance is the same psycho who had taken her years before coming back to pull some similar sick shit, but unfortunately the police don’t really believe that this is the case. So the young girl finds herself having to take matters into her own hands, track down the guy who put her through a traumatic ordeal, and get her sister back before it is too late. Producer Tom Rosenberg says that Amanda Seyfried is the “perfect actress to play the smart and fearless heroine in Gone.” Man, can that guy sell or what? I’m in! Truthfully, all of this sounds pretty uninteresting. The news only appealed to me because I happen to be a huge fan of Seyfried. The few things she’s done that are good have really given her a platform to shine, and even the loads of crap she has made always looks way better for having her involved. What pure filth like Dear John and Jennifer’s Body and mixed bags like Chloe have in common is that Amanda Seyfried is the best thing going in all of them. Plus she is just really beautiful. Like astoundingly beautiful. And now we can post a great big picture of her for everyone […]

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