G.I. Joe

My Little Pony and Sheep

It may seem obvious that a My Little Pony movie is being made. The magically friendly horses are very popular and, more importantly, are a part of the Hasbro family of toys. The company has been busy turning as many of their products into movies as they can, such as Transformers, G.I. Joe, Battleship and this month’s Ouija. There’s also Jem and the Holograms due next year and maybe eventually we’ll see the promised features based on Monopoly, Candy Land, Hungry Hungry Hippos and Tonka trucks. But one of these things is not like the other, and that’s this latest addition to the slate. My Little Pony will be an animated feature, which means it will likely just be a feature-length edition of the animated series My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. All the other properties are adaptations of some other medium or directly based off the toys and games. Hippos and Tonka are the only others listed above that have been optioned for animated films, and both of these are different from the My Little Pony plans in that neither have been turned into narrative entities before. Regardless of what you think of Battleship and Ouija, they’ve required some level of imagination to find inspiration from their respective games for the makings of a movie plot. The same will be the case for animated stories involving marble-craving beasts and construction vehicles. 


GI Joe Retaliation

Let’s face it, bad guys get a bad rap. While people are pinning medals on the heroes just before the credits roll, somewhere across the galaxy, someone is writing hundreds of thousands of condolence notices on Death Star letterhead. Nobody ever tries to look at things from the villain’s perspective. That’s what was so great about Disney’s Wreck-It Ralph, it recast bad guys in a pragmatic light. That and of course the renewed interest in Q*Bert that it engendered. Sometimes assignment to either side of the blurry line between good and evil becomes little more than a question of employment. This week, a certain blockbuster film hit theaters…and it hit with an agenda. Sequel G.I. Joe: Retaliation continues the slander campaign begun by its 2009 predecessor against the hardworking men and women of Cobra. As much as this propaganda-filled action diatribe was aimed at painting Cobra as the most evil organization on the planet, the faulty execution of G.I. Joe Retaliation’s narrative inadvertently offers several compelling reasons why we should be swearing our allegiance to this supposed confederacy of megalomaniac scum. Here’s why you should be rooting for Cobra, and not G.I. Joe. Fair warning, there will be Retaliation spoilers ahead.


Drinking Games

Die-hard Channing Tatum fans can breathe a sigh of relief this week because finally Jon M. Chu’s sequel G.I. Joe: Retaliation is hitting theaters after a nonsensical delay from last year. In 3D. With more Channing Tatum. Now that Paramount and Hasbro have seen fit to finally release this cinematic masterpiece, you’re likely going to want to revisit 2009’s G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra so you don’t miss any nuances of the plot or subtle subtext from film-to-film. After all, why else would you watch a Stephen Sommers’ movie? To enhance those nuances and subtext further, have a few adult beverages at your side while prepping yourself for the deep, complex plot that is sure to accompany the new film in theaters.


Hungry Hungry Hippos

You see what happens when you buy a bunch of tickets to a movie called Transformers? Ever since Hasbro made a gabillion dollars by licensing one of their toy properties for a big screen adaptation, they’ve been trying their damnedest to get every dumb hunk of plastic you played with as a kid into the multiplexes as the latest and greatest summer blockbuster. Already we’ve gotten two Transformers sequels, an abysmal G.I. Joe movie, and a movie about a board game. The disastrous box office performance of this summer’s Battleship and the ending of some of the development deals that Hasbro had with Universal doesn’t seem to be bringing anyone to their senses when it comes to making movies about board games either. The L.A. Times has a report that Hasbro has now signed a trio of new development deals, this time with upstart production company Emmett/Furla, to make more movies based on stupid toys. First in line for development is Monopoly, a movie about that board game with the fake money you always tried to play with your brothers and sisters but never got to the end of before someone quit. Presumably this will be a story about a decrepit old man with a monocle building hotels and taking over railroads, all while bankrupting his friends and loved ones. Sounds scintillating. I hear there’s a scene where he has to go directly to jail that will have you on the edge of your seat. Also included in this dumb deal […]



Well, guess it didn’t look as good as we all thought it did. THR reports (via /Film) that Paramount has decided to push its upcoming G.I. Joe sequel, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, from its summer release date (one that’s barely more than a month away) in favor of a 2013 release date that will afford it less competition at the box office. Oh, and what’s that? Yeah, they’re also post-converting the Jon Chu-directed movie to 3D. Ugh. The film, once set to open on June 29, 2012, will now open on March 29, 2013. The film stars Dwayne Johnson, Channing Tatum, Bruce Willis, Adrianne Palicki, D.J. Cotrona, Byung-hun Lee, Ray Park, RZA, Joseph Mazzello, Elodie Yung, and Walton Goggins and, despite following the money-making but underwhelming G.I. Joe: The Rise of COBRA, has long looked promising. While an unexpected post-conversion 3D job rarely instills confidence in people, announcing one when the film was set to open in just over a month is quite shocking.


bruce willis_in camo

Anybody who saw Paramount’s original attempt at a G.I. Joe movie, 2009’s G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, will tell you the same thing: the last thing anybody in the world needs is a sequel to G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. There wasn’t a bit of fun to be had in that train wreck of a movie. Not even an ounce of nostalgia to be squeezed from its throwback subject matter. Even the most diehard apologists I know that were childhood fans of the Hasbro toy line/cartoon series didn’t dare say a good word about that urban assault suit wearing, pathetic excuse for a summer blockbuster. Unfortunately, according to Hollywood (and to some extent the ticket buying public), we need a sequel to everything, so we’re going to get another G.I. Joe anyways. The good news is that new director Jon M. Chu seems to be pulling out all of the casting stops to erase the memory of that lackluster first effort and draw people back into the theater with the promise of some big time star power. Already he’s made a couple of solid jabs at that goal by hiring Wu Tang legend the RZA to play Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow’s mentor the Blind Master and one of the hot chicks from Friday Night Lights (okay, Adrianne Palicki) to play Lady Jaye. And in addition to that, he’s landed a couple of really solid body shots by getting Rome‘s Ray Stevenson to play Firefly and Fast Five‘s […]



I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that schlock producer extraordinaire Lorenzo di Bonaventura is taking his fetish for making big screen adaptations of 80s era properties to a new low by optioning the rights to the arcade game “Space Invaders”. The good news is this feels like it might be hitting bottom. I know that this is a business and that properties people are familiar with sell, but when we’re adapting something that’s little more than a blip shooting little blips at a bunch of other blips then it feels like the well has dried up. Sure, people have heard the words “Space” and “Invaders” put next to each other before, but is that title really going to sell a movie about space ship dog fights anymore than some other title would? Is the young audience out there going to see the first trailer for this film and say, “Hey, Space Invaders! That’s that old videogame my grandpa used to play! Cool!” Somehow I kind of doubt it. When it gets to the point that we’re adapting board games and novelty items into feature films, we have to be nearing the phase when they’re going to start losing money. I feel like we’re only months away from literally getting something like Pet Rock: The Movie. While that will suck, once it becomes a massive failure Hollywood will have no choice but to start buying spec scripts for original stories. Enjoy your Space Invaders Hollywood executives, […]


how may guns do you see in this picture

Most of the toy-to-film talk that goes on this week will probably be about the new Transformers movie tearing things up at the box office, but the guys over at that other 80s franchise G.I. Joe aren’t taking the matter lying down. In the midst of Bay-mania they have done a whole host of casting for their second film, and the guys they’ve got to join their elite team include a grappler, a rapper, and… some white dude. Star of the recent Fast Five, Dwayne Johnson, or The Rock if you will, has become quite the source of news over the past few months. First he knew about the death of Osama bin Laden before everyone else, and now he managed to scoop the world with the announcement of his own casting in G.I. Joe. On his website Johnson posted a mockup picture of himself beside the Joe Logo and added the caption, “It’s official: Call the Pentagon, get me my big ass gun – Rocks a JOE!” Johnson had been previously rumored as playing the character of Roadblock, the rhyme talking, gourmet cooking, Joe who carries around a gigantic gun, so these comments seem to help confirm that suspicion. Word has also leaked, this time from The Hollywood Reporter and not Dwayne Johnson, that famed rapper the RZA will also be joining the cast. RZA may be best known for his position in the legendary rap troupe The Wu-Tang Clan, but he’s also dipped his toe into acting by […]



Anybody who was a fan of the G.I. Joe toy line or cartoon series from the 80s could easily tell you who Roadblock was. He was a big, bald, mustachioed, black dude who carried around gigantic guns and had a snazzy way of speaking in rhyme. He was basically the closest cartoon equivalent that you could get to Mr. T other than when Mr. T himself got his own cartoon where he coached a mystery solving gymnastics team. Let’s call him Mr. T Lite. As you can imagine he was a popular character, so when putting together a sequel to 2009’s G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra it makes sense that you would include him in the film. And if you need to find an actor to translate a cartoon character like Roadblock into live action, it makes sense that you would find a gigantic, fast-talking, ex-pro wrestler to get the job done; especially when that ex-pro wrestler is as big a personality and as talented an actor as Dwayne Johnson. And the fact that he just starred in the ludicrously successful Fast Five, which went a long way in reviving that once stale looking franchise, is just the icing on the cake. Yes, getting Dwayne Johnson to star in your G.I. Joe sequel as Roadblock makes all the sense in the world, so the fact that Paramount is courting him to join G.I. Joe: Cobra Strikes comes as no surprise. But what I’m still trying to figure out is […]



If you planned on seeing it before, are you less likely to now? If you didn’t plan on seeing it before, could positive critical reaction have changed your mind?



Rob Hunter loves movies. He also loves working as an assistant at the Tyrell Corporation. These two joys come together in the form of cash money payments that he receives every week and immediately uses to buy more DVDs.

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published: 01.29.2015
published: 01.28.2015
published: 01.28.2015
published: 01.28.2015

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