Dumb Ideas

Of course you wouldn’t. That means that either Marchon3D has the dumbest idea in the history of capitalism or their product just isn’t meant for those of us with empty wallets and full brains. The company is going to begin stalking stocking movie theaters (starting in San Diego and Huntington Beach) with vending machines that dispense designer 3D glasses ranging in price from $22 to $70. According to Digital Trends, Marchon3D glasses will all work with RealD as well as passive screens that you might find in and around your household. You can even check out the company’s website to read all the vague reasons that make their glasses superior. “Minimal distracting lens reflections”?!?! Sign me up! Keep the change! As much as this concept panders to people with too much money on their hands (and a desperate need to look great in a completely darkened room), the company might be on to something with their model that clips on to regular eyeglasses. If there’s one complaint that resonates it’s that 3D glasses are a pain in the iris for anyone who already needs glasses to see the movie, and if the Marchon3D model works, it might be a nice accessory for some film fans to pick up. Otherwise, this whole thing, the idea of spending $70 on something the theater gives you for free, is so patently moronic that I wished I’d thought of it first.

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Considering the complexities of a large corporation, the maze of impossibilities to get through on the way to getting a movie made, and the time lines at work here, this may seem unfair, but the buck has to stop at someone’s desk. What’s Playing (via /Film) is reporting that Universal might be in the earliest stages of prepping another Doom adaptation that would be in 3D and cost something around $175 million dollars. That number might as well be made up at this stage in development, but it seems reasonable to expect that doing a big action flick like Doom would require a big check book. This comes on the heels of Universal passing on Guillermo Del Toro’s At the Mountains of Madness project because the $150 million budget was too big to manage alongside an R-rating and source material that’s not super hot. But wait. Is Doom really all that hot?

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It’s early, so you probably haven’t slapped your forehead with the palm of your hand yet. That’s okay. That’s what we’re here for. The talent agency ICM has signed on Wham-O Toys, which can only mean one thing: the entire company is going to start acting. Or it means that they’re going to start prepping their properties for movie adaptations. Slip ‘N Slide: The Movie may be hosing off your front porch and annoying your eco-friendly neighbors soon enough. Measuring the absurdity of this news can’t be done with known scientific tools, so our only logical response is to go ahead and pitch our ideas for how the movies should be. Shockingly, Cole Abaius and Rob Hunter had nothing better to do and were up to the task. Here they are. Six plots for six dumb movies that will probably get made because product placement is shorthand for “story” now.

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Two years ago, I challenged myself to come up with twelve films that corresponded with all the verses of the popular Christmas song that Eddie Izzard loves to sing the fifth verse of. Despite ending that sentence with a preposition, I sat down to a quiet Christmas break intending to stay as far away from work as possible, but that became impossible after my third quart of egg nog. For it was after that quart that the Planet of the Apes poster in my office began speaking, nay, taunting me to the challenge of coming up with twelve more films. I only have two words for hallucinatory, two-dimensional Cornelius. Challenge. Accepted.

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published: 11.26.2014
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published: 11.26.2014
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published: 11.21.2014
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published: 11.21.2014
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