Courtney B. Vance

Xavier Gens proved he loved intensity with Frontier(s) and he set out to show it wasn’t a fluke with the bomb shelter mayhem of The Divide. The movie focuses on a group of blast survivors who are safely trapped in their apartment basement with supplies that threaten to get used up before true help can arrive. It stars Lauren German, Michael Biehn, Milo Ventimiglia, Courtney B. Vance, Iván González, Michael Eklund with Ashton Holmes and Rosanna Arquette. Now, you can own the flick on DVD/Blu-ray. What do you have to do? Well, we’re going to randomly pick 7 winners and toss them into a basement for as long as it takes. The last person standing wins. It’s sort of our version of that contest where you have to keep touching a truck or something in order to win it. Only bloodier. Just kidding. We can’t legally do that (yet), so here’s what to do instead:

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You know what sort of movie you’ve gotten with Joyful Noise long before Dolly Parton announces, apropos of nothing, that “I know what to do, yodel lee hee hoo.” You’ve already seen Parton grab spaghetti off a diner’s plate and throw it in co-star Queen Latifah’s face. You’ve seen Keke Palmer lead a rousing gospel choir rendition of “Man in the Mirror.” You’ve experienced the ups and downs of the wild, inconsistent shifts in tone and the perils of Todd Graff’s loose-limbed direction. But that unprompted half-a-yodel is a litmus test. Perhaps you’ve bought into the schlock Graff is slinging, shut off your mental faculties and embraced the Latifah-Parton show, in which case it’s just Dolly being Dolly. Alternatively, that avalanche of vomit that’s been amassing inside your throat with each inane, lazy moment finally finds its way onto the floor. I found myself somewhere between the two extremes throughout this exceptionally mediocre film, which only benefits from the fact that it’s never boring. The story of a small-town gospel choir prepping for a singing competition is singularly uninteresting, even if things pick up when they perform their pop covers (Usher and the Beatles are among those victimized alongside Michael Jackson).

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This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr makes big plans to publish a best-selling book that women across the nation will read in hoity-toity book clubs. Step one: Move to the deep south and get raised by an African American maid. While Kevin tries to figure out how to move past that step, he gets a job delivering pizzas and lives in constant fear he’ll be used in a bank heist. Then he cheats death by avoiding the Glee concert movie, but lives in even more constant fear that the flick will hunt him down and make him watch it.

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kevin-reportcard-header

Kevin Carr sits his chubbiness down and sees if Tooth Fairy, Legion and Extraordinary Measures can make the grade.

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