Conan

Conan

Finally free from the oppressive chains of leading the great state of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger has wasted no time when it comes to lining up new project after new project. (Look! We even made a guide to all those new projects!) And yet, that just doesn’t seem to be enough for the action star. What else could he possibly want? Apparently, to be Conan the Barbarian again. Deadline Hollywood reports that Universal Pictures has lined up a deal for a brand new Schwarzenegger-starring Conan film, titled The Legend of Conan. No, you are not dreaming this. So, just what sort of Conan film are we in for, now that thirty years have passed since Schwarzenegger first played the character? Well, one that centers on a nearly-dead Conan. That sounds fun! Producer Fredrik Malmberg explains, “The original ended with Arnold on the throne as a seasoned warrior, and this is the take of the film we will make…It’s that Nordic Viking mythic guy who has played the role of king, warrior, soldier and mercenary, and who has bedded more women than anyone, nearing the last cycle of his life. He knows he’ll be going to Valhalla, and wants to go out with a good battle.”

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Junkfood Cinema - Large

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; the Riddle of Steel…is that Shaq should not play superheroes. You’ve entered a mythic realm of swords and sorcery, of Tangos and Cashes, of Mikes and Ikes. Every week, our hero (read: pudgy misanthrope) battles a tremendous schlock monster – as well as the sinister threat of early onset heart failure. With his sharp words, he slices the beast open, spilling its flaws upon the ground before hoisting the entrails aloft in celebration. To commemorate this all-too-violent metaphor, a feast of one tasty snack food item will be prepared and set before you. A couple weeks ago, the Alamo Drafthouse launched its Summer of 1982 series; a celebration of arguably the greatest season of the greatest year to ever…fall two years before I was born. Dozens of iconic films, both real people legit and JFC-approved, are being screened, including a certain sword and sandal epic that redefined swords, sandals, and indiscernible Austrian meat piles: Conan the Barbarian. We all remember Conan, he was the gentle oaf-beast who solved most of his problems by cleaving said problem’s head in twain while he struggled with words far less complicated than twain. He battled the Snake Cult and it’s malevolent leader Thulsa Doom (which translated into English from the ancient text means, “This is CNN”). We all remember that classic moment in which Conan is seated in the center of the banquet table, like a roided-up centerpiece, while his masters make him recite what is best in life. […]

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The Reject Report

Reject Report, what is best in life? To crush the box office, see them driven to the concession stand, and to hear the lamentation of their 3-D glasses. That is good! The Reject Report isn’t a barbarian. It probably wouldn’t even know what to do if you handed it a broadsword or told it to slay a Cimmerian Beast-Man. No, what it does is calculate the upcoming weekend’s box office, predict the winners and losers, and hears the lamentation of hundreds telling it it’s horribly wrong. This week it’s gonna be wrong about two new 3-D remakes from the ‘80s – The Reject Report’s favorite decade, BTW – the fourth in a kid’s series, and a love story starring Catwoman and that dude from Across the Universe. It’s not wrong about that, though. Jim Sturgess definitely WAS in Across the Universe. Sit back, clutch your battle axe (3-D glasses optional), and enjoy what this week’s Report has to say.

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Junkfood Cinema

Yes, we know we let suspect pictures containing very little health benefits drown us in their half-nakedness and drag us through the dirt like a barbarian here in this column, but we like it rough and prefer our movies to treat us like ragdolls from time to time because after we’ve mended the scrapes and burns we have ourselves a little snack reminding us of our experience because you should never forget when you’ve been triumphed in life.

Today we visit one of the greatest sequels ever released in June 1984 and Schwarzenegger’s best film of that year’s first 9 months. Sit back, chug some mead and let us tell you about the days of high adventure in Conan the Destroyer.

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Yup, it’s that time of the year again. That time of the year where we TV folk bitch and moan about what shows won’t be getting some golden Emmy love because the Academy is full of old people who think basic cable is what holds up the Brooklyn Bridge, which they also saw get built… I think… That said, this year’s Emmy Nominations are no more surprising than they were last year. Mad Men leads in the scripted drama series dept with nineteen nominations, but more interestingly, the HBO miniseries Mildred Pierce leads the overall with twenty one nominations. Before we get and further into this, let’s check out some of the shows that didn’t get nominated for anything in either overall, acting or technical categories (not that any of this matters, like usual).

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In today’s contest of wills, we have 5 contestants all trying to mean mug as best as possible. Conan (Jason Momoa) cries out in battle, Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) attempts to pass a gallstone, Corin (Ron Perlman) unleashes his Planet of the Apes face, Marique (Rose McGowan) stuns with her facial tattoos, and Tamara (Rachel Nichols) didn’t get the memo that she needed to be scary. These character posters for Conan the Barbarian are actually pretty intense, showing off some solid costume and make-up design as well as the unnerving battle faces of some of its stars. Which one is the scariest?

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What is Movie News After Dark? It’s like that time your boyfriend promised to call, but he didn’t. Then he called, like, way later and you still forgave him anyway because you love him. It’s exactly like that. Nathan Adams and Cole Abaius team up to handle the post this evening (hint: Nathan wrote the funny ones), and we lead off with some new pictures from The Daily Mail of Spider-Man swinging around in the air on wires. They mostly just look like Spider-Man swinging around in the air on wires, but I think that’s pretty cool because those last movies looked mostly like cartoon Spider-Man swinging around in the air on wires. If I wanted to see that I would just watch cartoons. I like that they’re making the effort of actually hauling some poor sap up there for practical effects.

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Wipe away that mental image of Conan O’Brien slicing through bad guys, and replace it quickly with these new pictures from the Marcus Nispel-directing Conan reboot. What’s great about them? The blood. The gritting teeth. The savage nature of man escaping to cut down his foes and drink from their skull caps. Why is Jason Momoa wearing a manica for the role? It’s unclear, but check out the pictures for yourself for a glimpse at revenge lust and a few villains.

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Movie lovers wanting to violently tear out their hair whenever an adult property is watered-down for the PG-13 cash will find themselves rejoicing next to the bearded miscreants who love drinking 60 Minute IPA from a giant novelty beer stein. That’s because FSR is organizing a march on Washington, DC to take back Hollywood from infantilizing films that should be sexed up instead of sexed down. Why are we doing it it Washington, DC instead of Hollywood? Ask the intern who bought the plane tickets. If these photos of the set of Conan are to be believed, we’ll also be inviting the fans of the upper half of the nude female form.

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Jason Momoa Conan

If it’s Lionsgate that is leaking all of these initial photos from the upcoming reboot Conan onto the web, it’s a somewhat brilliant marketing strategy. Another image appears on a slow news day and look at that, we’re once again talking about their movie. This time it’s two in the span of three days — two new photos of Jason Momoa looking bloody, wet and menacing as the famous barbarian.

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Jason Momoa Conan

Regular viewers of Stargate: Atlantis would tell you that Jason Momoa is a big guy. He’s always been pretty big. But as big as he’s always been, Momoa has certainly added a few pounds to his body in order to take the title role in Marcus Nispel’s Conan. How do I know this, you ask? Just look at this first official image. The guy’s got some size.

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The first images of Jason Momoa as the title character in the upcoming reboot Conan have hit the web. And we just can’t tell whether they are awesome, or maybe a little on the feminine side?

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If there was a non-technical star in Avatar, it was Stephen Lang. As Colonel Quaritch, he brought a great deal of humor and murderous prowess. James Cameron’s movie needed a great villain in order to work, and he was the perfect man for the job. Now, there’s another movie that needs a villain. And once again, Lang looks perfect for the job.

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The question everyone has wanted to ask: is Mickey Rourke crusty enough to play crazy William Smith?

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In late January, it was reported that the Marcus Nispel directed remake of Conan had found its leading man. Jason Momoa, known for his work on Stargate: Atlantis, would be filling the gigantic, fury boots of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But as we now know, they were not done casting…

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Can Momoa be our new Schwarzenegger? Can Nispel be our new John Milius?

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conan-header

I don’t find this quite as interesting as many of you might, so lets just get straight into it. Our friends over at MovieHole got their hands on the casting breakdown for the upcoming Conan reboot…

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conan-directors

Conan has cleaved Brett Ratner in two and is now in search of a new director. Devin Faraci over at CHUD has gotten inside word on the four men in the running.

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Rumors That Should Have Been Pranks

There was a lot of fake movie news floating around yesterday, but there’s always a lot of fake movie news floating around. We take a look at eleven rumor stories (some true, some false) that really should have been posted on April 1st.

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Mike O\

Thanks to the internet and the infinite rate at which casting rumors seem to travel, it has now become quite easy for a fledgling celebrity to drum up interest in their good name.

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published: 04.17.2014
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published: 04.17.2014
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published: 04.17.2014
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published: 04.16.2014
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