The appeal of Manborg is that it’s multi-colored stupidity thrown against the screen with a frantically low budget, brain-damaged characters, and a bit of the old ultra-violence. It’s all so damned dumb, that it has to be given credit for achieving the kind of terrible that belongs at midnight on Adult Swim. A soldier (Matthew Kennedy) cheeses his way through death on the battlefield but is brought back with a few robot parts installed. He then joins a group of futuristic gladiators battling against demons led by The Baron (Jeremy Gillespie).



In theory, CGI should never break your suspension of disbelief (unless you’re watching a Syfy Original or Birdemic, in which case it was never there in the first place).  In practice, budgets get tight, time gets short, and even mega-blockbusters like Lords of the Rings or Harry Potter will have a couple of crappy looking scenes. But sometimes movies that don’t even really need much CGI will toss it in for a short sequence, whether it’s just to show off,  save money, or even to mask Bill the microphone guy’s fuck up. Inevitably, though, at least one of those scenes ends up looking like the production company outsourced the job to someone’s Nintendo 64. When big budget movies have bargain basement special effects, everyone wins. And by “everyone,” I mean “no one,” and by “wins,” I mean “is paying attention to the movie anymore because they’re too busy laughing.” I’ve taken the liberty of considering this part 1 of a multi-part series, because I know that this is an endless well from which I can perpetually draw. In related news, I am lazy and uncreative.


Boiling Point

The Green Lantern movie has an uphill battle from the start. Why? Because it’s not starring Batman, Superman, Spider-Man, the X-Men, or anyone remotely near that level of recognition to the average viewer. The first question many may ask when hearing there is a Green Lantern movie is “Why?” The second is probably “What?” or possibly “Who?” I’m willing to give The Green Lantern the benefit of the doubt and not just because I have a huge man-crush on Ryan Reynolds. Well okay, yeah, mostly because of that. And so far, much of what we’ve seen looks pretty good. The trailer was fun. And the costume is… Well… Uh…



On the surface, the story of Bethany Hamilton is toweringly inspirational. The young surfer on the verge of going pro faced a personal loss so great that it should have destroyed her future career and water-soaked passion in one blow. The fact that she fought back against it, got back on the board, and eventually triumphed is a testament to the human spirit (as well as, according to the film, a testament to faith and the power of a higher being). It’s a compelling story, but as Soul Surfer proves, it’s not the best basis for a full-length feature film. It’s perfectly passable, but director Shawn McNamara has created a version of the story that focuses on filler and ties up all the drama far too easily.


Resident Evil Afterlife

Sometimes a movie is so special that it cannot be contained by the standard review. When that happens, we’re more than happy to write an open letter to the production in the hopes of making everyone’s day a little brighter. In the case of Resident Evil: Afterlife, it’s about as special a movie as I’ve seen in a while.


Lake Placid 3

Our worst fears have been realized. Not only is there a third entry in the Lake Placid franchise, but it contains videographic proof that cartoon crocodiles have come to life and are attacking topless young women. Either that, or their CGI budget was $3.50. This looks like a truly awful cinematic experience, leading me to believe that The Asylum had something to do with it. However, in the same way that you’d rather watch an Asylum trailer than really watch the movie, this trailer has everything it takes to put a smile on your face. As long as you’re older than 18, because there’s a bit of nudity. Really blatant, over-the-top nudity.



An orphan named Raizo, raised and trained by an ancient ninja clan, cuts a bunch of heads off while an investigator from Europol, Mika tracks down the group in connection with several high-ranking assassinations.



The first teaser trailer for New Moon is out and negates any need of really seeing the first twenty or so minutes of the film. So, that’s good.

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published: 01.29.2015
published: 01.28.2015
published: 01.28.2015
published: 01.28.2015

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