Ashton Kutcher

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr trolls around hospitals looking for a scorching hot young doctor who doesn’t want a real relationship but would rather have someone she can have copious amounts of sex with many times throughout the week. Upon returning from that fantasy land, he heads to a job-placement agency to rub elbows with laid-off corporate executives who have trouble making ends meet so they can pay the lease on their Mercedes. Kevin is handing out grades for No Strings Attached and The Company Men, and the grades are not good.

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There’s a sweet romance developing in No Strings Attached that’s infused with equal parts hope, humor, and hesitation. Both the characters and the actors bringing them to life are funny and capable of expressing their desires and doubts with brief exchanges and glances that feel honest and heartfelt. But unfortunately for the movie (and the viewers) the romance in question is not the one featuring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. Instead it’s a couple of supporting characters who manage to do in fifteen collective minutes of screen-time what the leads fail to accomplish throughout the entire film. Adam and Emma (kids here, but soon to be played by Kutcher and Portman) first meet at summer camp where he tries to turn sympathy over his parent’s impending divorce into a sexual opportunity, but she finds his emotional needs even less appealing than his offer of a good old fashioned fingering. They meet in passing a couple more times over the years, but their story proper begins when Adam awakens naked one morning on a couch belonging to Emma and her three roommates. He’s an emotional mess after discovering his ex-girlfriend is now dating his father (Kevin Kline) and she’s an overworked doctor uninterested in relationships, so the duo decide the best course of action is a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. And the downside is…?

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There’s a lot of trailer action this morning as Hollywood executives are just now waking up from their Hybernol-induced winter comas, but the funniest one out there (counting the past few months even) is hands down this new red-band trailer for No Strings Attached. The premise is simple and as old as sex itself, but when you toss in Natalie Portman staring at Asthon Kutcher’s penis with 3D glasses on (a commentary on the fad if there ever was one), a metric ton of clever cursing, and Ludacris making a self-reference to every “Ho” pun-themed song he’s written – the world has a little bit more brilliance in it. In fact, the catalyst for the pair getting together will make you look at your own father in a gross and terrible new way. Don’t put yourself in Ashton Kutcher’s character’s place. Don’t do it. Just don’t. Seriously, don’t.

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Valentine’s Day was a terrible movie. It was everything that is syrupy and wrong with Hollywood, so of course it’s getting a sequel in New Year’s Eve – a trend that will most likely continue until Flag Day is made. Then it will be rebooted. That follow-up will now possibly see Ashton Kutcher re-enlisting as a brand new character (who doesn’t like New Year’s Eve), and he might also be joined by two-time Academy Award winner Hilary Swank, two-time Academy Award winner Robert DeNiro, and three-time Academy Award nominee Michelle Pfeiffer. It’s looking to shoot soon, and will most likely strive for a release close to New Year’s Eve 2011. Until then, the world longs for Flag Day. [THR]

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Director Will Gluck had a fairly middling (yet harmless) introduction with the world through Fired Up! but his follow-up, Easy A, has earned him a place as one to watch. With more eyes on him, he’s chosen to make Justin Timberlake perform oral sex on Mila Kunis while singing a Semisonic song. Ivan Reitman, on the other hand, is a veteran. He’s the man who directed every movie you liked in the 80s. He’s hit a snag as a director recently (with My Super Ex-Girlfriend), but he’s on fire as a producer. Friends with Benefits is the Casual Sex Between Friends Armageddon to No Strings Attached‘s Deep Impact. Both movies deal with the same exact plot, both involve incredibly attractive people that in no way would ever realistically be hurting for carnal pleasure, and both come out around relatively the same time. Who will come out on top? Probably Kunis, but you should check out both trailers and weigh in for yourself.

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This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr grades four new films: Get Him to the Greek, Splice, Marmaduke and Killers.

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Fat Guys at the Movies

Neil makes a triumphant return to the Magical Studio in the Sky and celebrates the occassion by seeing one of the four movies opening this week. Sadly, Kevin is not that much farther ahead, having only seen one and 9/10th of another due to a freak lightning storm.

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Despite the lack of Ghostbusters 3 rumors this week, Ivan Reitman is still getting himself into the news quite a bit. It must have something to do with him being hard at work casting his next film, Friends with Benefits.

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The actress will either keep Portman and Kutcher from getting together, or impart some wisdom on the pair as the geeky female best friend.

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One seasoned director. Two stars. One working title. Finally an exploration of the sexual politics between men and women.

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Kevin Carr sits his chubbiness down and sees if The Wolfman, Valentine’s Day and Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief can make the grade.

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The good Dr. Abaius is known widely for his correspondence with Hollywood. And in his most recent letter, he lets director Garry Marshall — a man who has directed his fair share of romantic comedy gems — know what he thinks of his latest film, Valentine’s Day.

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Whatever happened to director Robert Luketic? When he hit the scene with Legally Blonde, there was potential there. Then even after delivering Monster in Law, he made a comeback of sorts by showing more “potential” with 21. Now here we are, staring down the barrel of Killers, and things just aren’t getting any better.

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Kevin Carr has a chat with Ashton Kutcher about his new indie film Spread, in which Kevin obsesses about sex scenes with Anne Heche, suspenders and whether a fat guy from Ohio can find an L.A. sugar mama.

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Holy crap! We just got married! Burn!

This film is great counter-programming to Speed Racer and will probably ensure work for Ashton Kutcher until TV Land tries to launch a That 70s Show reunion special.

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We

So you think you might have what it takes to trick Cameron Diaz to the altar after a night of partying in Las Vegas? Well, you might be deluding yourself, but if you’re gonna make that move, you best get her plenty drunk for it to work.

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What Happens in Vegas Movie Poster

Film School Rejects is giving away passes to an advanced screening of What Happens in Vegas.

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What Happens in Vegas Movie

Two people go to Vegas, have some sex and then decide that they can’t be together. After winning three million dollars by accident, they are forced to stay together and try and figure it all out — that is, not without some help from a judge, played by Dennis Miller. Yes, you read that right.

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We’ve teamed up with our good friends over at 7mPictures.com to bring you a little giveaway that packs a lot of “Fez”.

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published: 04.18.2014
A
published: 04.18.2014
B+
published: 04.17.2014
B-
published: 04.17.2014
D+

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