Andrew Dice Clay

Years before Woody Allen became basically the most prolific filmmaker to ever exist, he was making his way through the entertainment industry as a stand-up comedian, so he knows the art of crafting a joke, and he should have a good idea of how to best utilize the talents of those weird weekend warriors who travel from town to town projecting their neuroses onto random strangers in seedy nightclubs. That’s why it is so exciting that it’s just been announced that two of the most successful stand-up comedians of all time have signed on to be a part of his latest film. Woody’s new project doesn’t have a title yet, but what’s known about it is that it’s being filmed in New York and San Francisco over the summer. Also, we now know the names that make up its cast. In a press release put out earlier today ,it was announced that big names like Alec Baldwin and Cate Blanchett made the list, as well as some solid but lesser-known names like Michael Emerson, Sally Hawkins, and Peter Sarsgaard; but the most interesting part of the casting announcement was the inclusion of comedians Louis C.K. and Andrew Dice Clay.

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There’s an old maxim that states that everyone in show business is fake. The traditional interpretation of that is that everyone in Hollywood is ready to be kind to your face, but stab you in the back and probably piss on the wound. That may be an exaggeration, but in the case of these 6 comedians, though, they really are fake. As in literally fake. Their public personae are carefully crafted, and you only occasionally see the real person behind it. Most of the time it’s just an extension of the person’s actual personality, but some of them are completely and totally fictitious people. For example, Bono is an experimental attention-seeking robot. Or take Neil Patrick Harris, who is actually a shaved ferret. You had no idea, right? Here are six comedians that almost never break the fourth wall to reveal their true selves.

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Junkfood Cinema

Welcome returns to Junkfood Cinema, the unhealthiest of weekly columns here on FSR and the only one scientifically proven to taste delicious upon consumption and decrease penis visibility once fully digested. When the email went out to all of the FSR contributors looking for guest authors for this here editorial thing I was hesitant to partake. Then, I went to the bathroom and made room, so we’re good. I know I’m no Salisbury, but fuck that meat as I’m the_beef from which his steak is cut.
As a guest I figured the most valuable contribution I could offer to all of you is the opportunity to appreciate a cinematic artery-clogger that Brian himself would dare not ingest enjoyably; something that might show up as an SAT question that reads “_____ is to Adam as shit-dipped peanut butter patty is to Brian.” I checked with Brian and he indeed does not enjoy peanut butter covered in shit, so the association is sound. All that left me with was the responsibility of finding such a film capable of satisfying me whilst rendering Brian sterile.
So, I stared at my extensive trove of dvds for all of .8 milliseconds before I found the answer to my troubles sitting neatly between Adventures in Babysitting and Advise and Consent which not only serves as a convenient method for locating the film alphabetically, but also acts as a metaphorical illustration of where the film should be precisely placed; because when you think about what would go in between Elisabeth Shue and Henry Fonda the first actor that comes to mind is The Dice Man. So, with all kinds of adieu because you’ve probably stopped reading I present to you the Renny Harlin helmed, Andrew “Dice” Clay action/comedy vehicle (get it?) The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.

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