Alvin and the Chipmunks

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr goes rogue and infiltrates his local IMAX theater. First, he scales the wall of the plus-sized building and slides in undetected through the air vents. He slowly lowers himself into a theater seat to enjoy an early screening of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol. Unfortunately, he finds himself in the middle of a wild crowd of six-year-old kids for the early screening of the latest Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. To deal with the psychological damage, Kevin then stumbles into the Sherlock Holmes sequel and later finds an extra seat in Young Adult, where he can imagine that his chubby caboose could land a hottie like Charlize Theron.

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There is absolutely no satisfying way to explain and introduce Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked in a classic film review format, because of one major hurdle – it’s a film about singing chipmunks that get shipwrecked (sigh, chipwrecked) on a seemingly unpopulated island. It’s hard to believe this is a real film (it’s nearly impossible to also believe that it’s the third film in a franchise), and it’s even harder to attempt to talk about it in a critical and professional manner. But let’s try. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked opens with human moron Dave Seville (Jason Lee) and his six-pack of fuzzy (children? paychecks? vermin?) heading off on what is meant to be restful holiday cruise. Dave is understandably exhausted after spending years of his life raising six chipmunks – Alvin, Simon, Theodore, Brittany, Jeanette, and the other one – who are also international signing superstars. The seven of them plan to use the cruise to relax before hitting the International Music Awards (sort of like the MTV Video Music Awards, but somehow even less important), where the boys (Alvin and the Chipmunks, so much for Simon and Theodore’s name recognition) and the girls (The Chipettes, much more equal opportunity) will likely rack up a bevy of awards. Of course, the Chipmunks and the Chipettes ultimately get marooned on a tropical island, thanks to (shockingly!) a move by ol’ troublemaker Alvin, a plan so stupid that even these damn singing chipmunks should have realized the depth of their idiocy […]

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Every week, Landon Palmer and Cole Abaius log on to their favorite chat client of 1996 as EruditeSmurf007 and NostalgiaFiend238 in order to discuss some topical topic of interest. This week, the pair rewatches the trailer for The Smurfs in an attempt to figure out why something that harmless needs to be modernized. Weren’t they cute and lovable before? Does a movie like that really need to fake appeal to a snarky teenage audience or should children and their parents be enough? Who is responsible for Smurfette flashing her panties at everyone and who on the production thought pop culture references would buoy a terrible film? In shorter terms, why can’t certain film productions get childhood icons right?

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There’s only one thing more annoying than animated, talking animals having wacky mis-adventures that feel like forced fun for the whole family. That one thing is putting the animated voices through a machine that makes them higher pitched and squeakier. Fortunately for everyone with a five-year-old, the actor who once related a story about his cousin masturbating with a group of strangers on an airplane is now set to start filming Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: Cutesy Pun Name To Be Determined this January. We all have to grow up sometime. Hopefully, Jason Lee will soon. [Cinema Blend]

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Set your guns to adorable. Then shoot these little bastards.

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DVDs I Bought This Week!

Brian Gibson loves to buy DVDs. Come with him on his weekly journey into the depths of credit card debt as he tells you what to buy, rent and avoid.

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First Sunday stole the thunder from under The Bucket List and Juno this weekend and surprised a lot of people with a far better showing than expected.

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Rumors are swirling that there will be a sequel to Alvin and the Chipmunks — and that it will include the Chipettes.

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National Treasure: Book of Secrets finished first for the third week in a row. But Juno moved up significantly again.

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All the big Christmas blockbusters are out of the way, so now the less-hyped stuff is getting shown at the theaters.

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Well, it’s no secret to anyone now that National Treasure: Book of Secrets is a big hit for the whole holiday season.

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Like a lot of people, I did not have high expectations going in for Alvin and the Chipmunks.

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“Aww Hell Naw!!” — Will Smith dominates the box office yet again, followed closely by a trio of CGI chipmunks.

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After movies like Garfield and Underdog trampled over the memories of the original stories, I feared that a big-budget, CGI-animated film about the lovable chipmunks will turn out the same way.

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This is the week former TV star Will Smith of Fresh Prince of Bel Air fame turns up on screen again in the much-anticipated I Am Legend.

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