Absurd

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; constantly in need of a bigger boat. Remember when Junkfood Cinema only covered crusty old cheese that you didn’t care about or crappy movies out of theaters just long enough to have completely vanished from your consciousness forever? Those were good times, simpler times. You were safe from it as long as you stayed in the boat and didn’t venture into my usual feeding grounds. But now, like some God-awful 3D gimmick, I am bursting through your computer screen and invading your local movie theater to take a massive bite out of a brand new movie. I will chomp apart all of this film’s many, many faults and drag it down to a watery grave. But then, like Matt Hooper, my love for this movie refuses to stay submerged and comes bubbling to the surface. I’ll wrap it up by chumming the waters with a tasty snack food themed to the film. Today’s Catch: Shark Night 3D It is a true rarity that brand new movies, in those fancy shmancy multiplexes with their hoity toity 3Ds, XDs, and D-students, perfectly exemplify the core values of Junkfood Cinema. But in the case of Shark Night 3D, the confines of a traditional review would simply do no justice to the complex, near-paradoxical experience of seeing this terrible/amazing film in a theater and, despite all its best efforts, loving it so much that you unironically hope it wins an Oscar so that a hundred more movies just like […]

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Junkfood Cinema

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema: we will not meet you halfway. This is the internet column that, weekly, finds itself on the losing end of a wrestling match with good taste. Every Friday I shovel a truckload of terrible into your eye sockets in the form of a terrifically bad film. I cut the hulking turkey down to size by noting exactly what makes it so bad, but then raise it’s arm victoriously by confessing my all-consuming love for it. To really drive the disaster home, I will then pair the film with an appropriately inappropriate snack food item to execute a perfect takedown of your girlish figure. Since the inception of this column, there have been a few old standards whose perpetual schlockyness has made them easy, if consistently hilarious, targets. In an effort to spread the mockery around and not unfairly single out a select few, I promised myself that I would avoid roasting Sylvester Stallone for as much of 2011 as I possibly could…I made it to the last week of January. You’re welcome Sly! Today’s Snack: Over the Top

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